How have you dealt with alcohol in your recovery?

TW: Eating Disorders

Hi everyone,

I struggle with complex PTSD, depression, anxiety and an eating disorder (ED), but I'm in a good place in my recovery. In my younger days I would say I had a minor alcohol problem, but not so much these days. I have made a lot of progress with the mood issues over the past few years, but I'm now in the early days of my eating disorder recovery. Disordered eating was a crutch I used to deal with trauma and anxiety since childhood, and finding a treatment modality & experienced team that works for you is pretty hard. I finally got the right professionals on board with the right mix of therapies, and I've seen the most improvement in my symptoms, ever. This is great and I am celebrating that, trust me. However, I find that there's so much deeper emotional turmoil to deal with. Disordered eating has its own misery attached, but it kind of kept me focused on current problems caused by the ED not these deep seated issues.

This weekend, I had a few dates and meetups with new people, and I drank a lot on one of those occassions. These are definitely anxiety provoking situations for anyone, but I felt so much adrenaline surge, it was quite intense. And then while intoxicated I misread a situation in a negative way, and I felt incredibly bad about my body size. I hid all of this stuff from the people, but once home alone it all sort of came out in tears. My eating disorder has affected my body, my trauma has affected my body. even though I'm developing really great professionally approved food plans and doing lots of exercise, I can't change my shape over night. I'm not feeling like my body matches the changes I've felt about myself, the positive changes. In this drunken despairing haze I find myself having to phone the Suicide Callback service for help as stuff felt a bit out of control. The counsellor on the phone helped, and I dug into some strategies I had written somewhere on my computer for these kinds of moments and I got through the night. Today has been a rollercoaster, with so much adrenaline and feeling threatened that there is some emminent rejection from the new people I've met. Trauma really makes you feel like there's something wrong with you that all new people will eventually discover, or will see outright. And, I struggle a lot with that. And I could see my mind just really mis-interpreting and spiralling all day. I felt hungover, had lack of sleep, I didn't eat a lot while i was out last night because the bar only served tiny snacks, and my body was just wiped from this so my mind suffered a lot.

And, I guess, I'm just reflecting on the role of alcohol here. And it would be interesting to hear from others, how alcohol has been in recovery? I mean this for those with mental health, not alcohol dependence necessarily. I've decided for myself i need at least 4 weeks alcohol free while I continue navigating the first few months of eating disorder recovery. I feel maybe I'm in a fragile space with that. I can say - despite all of this, I did not turn to disordered eating this weekend. I was able to make sure that behaviour didn't occur. But, it was kind of a wake up call that commitment to my recovery might mean re-thinking alcohol, at least for a while. Would love to hear your thoughts.