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BPD and how it controls my life

venusCasual Contributor17 Apr 2022, 9:45 pm AEST

BPD and how it controls my life

So hi guys i'm not super sure how to start this but i guess im just going to talk about whats been going on recently.

I have only officially been diagnosed with BPD for just almost 2 years because i that was when i turned 18.

I have extreme difficulty ever opening up to anybody and especially therapists about what is going on in my life and even if im struggling the most i will not show it. I think it's because i feel this need for everyone to think of me as something different from what i am. I don't feel like a good person, probably because im not really a good person. I hurt people, i lie to them, i treat them like shit and it's always just for some stupid reason and i regret everything in the end. So seeing this i don't have all that many friends that i have made from school or anything, most of my friends are made online and it's honestly quite sad. I can't ever relate to anyone or even talk just being myself, i always mirror them and their personality so it's like i live with a million different personas.

Sometimes i think that some of the things i do are due to my mental state (i have depression, BPD, anxiety, ptsd and ASD) but other times i think i just need to come to the realization that im just not a good person and i need to accept it and stop making stupid excuses for myself.

Having BPD just feels like constant mental agony to me. The whole thing with having a favourite person and all that jazz. god dont even get me started. It's just like a big rollercoaster that is ongoing and it never stops every turn is unexpected and i can't do anything about it because im stuck.

I could go on about everything for forever but i won't. I'm not sure what i hoped to achieve by writing this and posting it but maybe i can find someone in this whole world that relates to me and could help me feel less insane (lol).

Anyways to anyone reading this i hope you have a great day or night, remember i love you so much

4 replies

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In response to: BPD and how it controls my life

tymeModerator17 Apr 2022, 10:03 pm AEST

Re: BPD and how it controls my life

My dear friend @venus , you are DEFINITELY NOT alone!

I have had similar struggles to you. I felt like a 'bad' person - living a lie, pretending to be someone I wasn't. Unfortunately, those closest to me got hurt the most. They would say, "How come you treat everyone else so well, but you behave so terribly toward us?" This hurt me so much. I didn't want to hurt them, but I did.

To cut a long story short, deep down, in my late teens, I was suffering, but not really ready for support. I was erratic, emotionally in pain and riding a roller coaster every moment of the day.

Years later... and I mean YEARS, I took the courage to throw myself into therapy. In my mind, I knew if I didn't do something now, I wouldn't see my next birthday.

By this time, I had disconnected from the world. I pushed everyone away.

It was these forums that taught me to reconnect with the world, and that's why I'm here to tell the story. This time, as a peer support worker.

There are some awesome threads you can browse through and connect with others with BPD including:

1) Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

2) Topic Tuesday // Supporting loved ones living with BPD // Tuesday 25th January, 7pm-8:30pm AEDT

3) LIVE CHAT: BPD for Friends, Family and Carers - This Sunday 3rd October 7:00-8:30pm AEDT

Today, I can look back and embrace BPD with open arms. I don't regret having it at all, and I wouldn't trade my experiences for anything. It's made me the person I am today.

Of course there are days when borderline comments rear their head, but it's absolutely okay, because it reminds me that I'm human.

You are not alone.

You have the power and are in control (even if you don't feel it!)

tyme

In response to: BPD and how it controls my life

NatureLoverSenior Contributor18 Apr 2022, 7:22 am AEST

Re: BPD and how it controls my life

Hi and welcome, @venus , it's good you've joined!

I was going to tag @tyme who does such a good job of talking about BPD, but I see they have answered already 🙂

I am sorry you are suffering. You said it's extremely difficult to open up to therapists...can I ask what professional support you have at the moment?

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

I hope you find the forums supportive.

In response to: BPD and how it controls my life

tymeModerator13 May 2022, 10:04 pm AEST

Re: BPD and how it controls my life

Hi @venus ,

I was passing through, so I thought i'd come say Hi 😉

Haven't heard from you in a while. How's everything going? How's BPD treating you, or how are you treating BPD?

Waiting to hear from you,

tyme

In response to: Re: BPD and how it controls my life

BPDSurvivorSenior Contributor28 May 2022, 9:14 pm AEST

Re: BPD and how it controls my life

Hi @venus ,

Ive lived with BPD for many many years now. It can be very painful to live with.

But something I do want to say it’s that it is highly treatable. You just need to be ready and willing for the long road to recovery. I’ve been there and am fully satisfied and functional in society now.

All the best,

BPDSurvivor

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