Abused and can't move on.

Hi everyone.

This is my first ever post on any forum.

I was in a emotional and verbal relationship for 8 years.

We've been separated for over 2 years now and I still can't move on. I know how she treated me was abusive yet I still think of her and miss her on a daily basis.

My mind can't comprehend after how I was abused I still have feelings for her. I feel I should hate her and trust me I've tried.

The abuse was constant and it's ruined my self esteem and I feel unworthy of a loving relationship. I've gained weight, I no longer feel good about my appearance, I've withdrawn from ppl and have pretty much isolated myself.

She was extremely controlling and I was terrified of doing something wrong or if it wasn't that it was something I didn't do as I knew that's when the verbal abuse would begin but no matter what, there was always something I had or had not done so the abuse was constant.

How can I still love this person???

Just an example of how controlling she was, one night we had a few drinks ( I'm sure at least one of these was spiked ) but I can't prove that.

I went to bed extremely drowsy and through the middle of the night I woke up to her trying to use my fingerprint to unlock and go through my phone. I was aware what was happening so I grumbled a bit and moved around, she thought I was waking up and stopped. I was too scared to actually let her know that I was awake as I knew I would cop it and some how it would be my fault.

I had absolutely nothing to hide on my phone and would have been more than happy to just hand it over but everything she did was devious.

I just want to move on and be happy but I seem to be in some kind of depression and can't seem to let go of her. I just truly don't understand why I can't.

I want my life and smile back.