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TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor06 Mar 2022, 3:27 pm AEDT

TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Hi everyone

I'm new here so I'm not sure what to say. I've just been struggling lately and coming out of a bad migraine attack. While I was really sick I found myself ruminating over past events, I suppose I had too much time to think. I know I can not change what has happened, but I still hold onto it. Migraine doesn't feel as bad anymore, but I'm left with all these overwhelming feelings of sadness and feeling of loss, anger and bitterness and I'm feeling very lonely. I find it hard to reach out to people, I feel like it's hard for people to comprehend what I'm going through. The pain of being misunderstood is too much, so I can really talk to very few people. I am also afraid that people won't want to talk about it, like I've tried talking about it with my parents a long time ago in a hush-hush way but they still felt uncomfortable. I am also afraid to burden people, I don't want to be that friend who is always stuck in their chaotic mind. I mean I live alone, have to fight things alone and I'll die alone. Sometimes it feels pointless, sometimes I wonder should I just let myself drown, I am just one person, what difference could I make, surely. I'm not intensely suicidal right now, but I am at the point I've considered it but don't intend to act on it.

Maybe it's all an overreaction, I don't know. But I know if I stay here too long I'll drown and get water into my lungs.

245 replies

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In response to: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor05 May 2022, 4:07 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

@TideisTurning yes it does feel like a hug. I just wish I could let someone hug me while I struggle but I never do. I hate being vulnerable and don’t want to seem desperate. I can feel quite worthless and unimportant.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

PaperdaisySenior Contributor05 May 2022, 4:29 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

I can relate to that @creative_writer I also used to really struggle with being vulnerable. I'm slowly learning to be better at it and it's liberating. Something to think about. Sitting with you 💝

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor05 May 2022, 5:23 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

@Paperdaisy there are only very few people in my life I can be real with. Sometimes I get scared of overwhelming them. In some ways I feel sort of stupid of being triggered by a dream. I’ve had worse dreams before, this isn’t as bad as those. Yet I feel like I’m struggling to cope.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor05 May 2022, 7:06 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

I gave into SH 😩. I am safe and okay.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

tymeModerator05 May 2022, 7:10 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

I'm sorry to hear things are tough for you @creative_writer .

Please feel free to reach out to crisis services if you feel the need to:

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

You do not need to go through this alone.

Sitting with you, tyme

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor05 May 2022, 7:33 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

@tyme contacted SANE earlier today. The person I got was lovely. Don’t think anything could’ve stopped me from doing what I did. I just felt like I had to in order to get through this distress, I know it doesn’t help in the long term. Sometimes my brain loses rationality and acts on emotions. Maybe I really do need sleep, my decision making skills have been so good today. I wasted today procrastinating and ruminating.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

tymeModerator05 May 2022, 7:38 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

I'm glad you were able to get through to the SANE helpline today @creative_writer .

Giving in to SH doesn't make you a bad person. From experience, it is not about taking SH away but managing the underlying issues that result in SH.

Often, we focus so much on the SH, and want to take that away from a person - yet this is like a bandaid. It doesn't fight the root of the infection.

I'd encourage you to continue reaching out and finding ways to understand and manage the emotions etc that lead you to want to SH.

All the best,

tyme

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor05 May 2022, 9:13 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

@tyme yeah that’s true. SH is deeply rooted. It’s so hard for many people to understand it, that I often end up hiding it. I just don’t want to feel more guilty and ashamed than I already do. It is a journey. I think I’ve had high expectations from myself, it feels disappointing to relapse into it after not doing it for like a month.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

tymeModerator05 May 2022, 9:21 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

As disappointing as it may be @creative_writer , now it is about how to move forward. Telling yourself it is ok to 'fall' will help you move forward. MH has its ups and downs. It is definitely not all smooth sailing. I know this from experience.

We are here for you, to support you through your journey.

tyme

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor06 May 2022, 4:25 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

@tymeI guess I’m sort of a perfectionist by nature. Feeling a bit better today. But still feeling some of the after effects of the rough day I had yesterday. Hyper arousal is still there, but I’ve sort of been stuck in flight and fight mode it’s hard to get unstuck. I feel like everyone else is going on with their life, here I am, still on the mend. Like there is something wrong with me.

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