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TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor06 Mar 2022, 3:27 pm AEDT

TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Hi everyone

I'm new here so I'm not sure what to say. I've just been struggling lately and coming out of a bad migraine attack. While I was really sick I found myself ruminating over past events, I suppose I had too much time to think. I know I can not change what has happened, but I still hold onto it. Migraine doesn't feel as bad anymore, but I'm left with all these overwhelming feelings of sadness and feeling of loss, anger and bitterness and I'm feeling very lonely. I find it hard to reach out to people, I feel like it's hard for people to comprehend what I'm going through. The pain of being misunderstood is too much, so I can really talk to very few people. I am also afraid that people won't want to talk about it, like I've tried talking about it with my parents a long time ago in a hush-hush way but they still felt uncomfortable. I am also afraid to burden people, I don't want to be that friend who is always stuck in their chaotic mind. I mean I live alone, have to fight things alone and I'll die alone. Sometimes it feels pointless, sometimes I wonder should I just let myself drown, I am just one person, what difference could I make, surely. I'm not intensely suicidal right now, but I am at the point I've considered it but don't intend to act on it.

Maybe it's all an overreaction, I don't know. But I know if I stay here too long I'll drown and get water into my lungs.

245 replies

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In response to: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor06 Apr 2022, 3:32 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

I think I’ve relapsed…..SH is just so tempting….

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

DaisydreamerSenior Contributor06 Apr 2022, 3:54 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Hi @creative_writer, sitting with those heavy feeling of numbness that you mentioned today can be really painful, and I'm hearing that as the day has gone on, that things may have started to feel heavier for you, is that right?

You have mentioned relapsing and self harm, and I do want to check in to see if you are feeling safe at the moment? Do you need or have access to medical attention if you need it?

If you are feeling unsafe today, or the urges for self harm continue to sit with you, we do encourage you to reach out for help. You know yourself best, so I will include a few links to services below in case you would like someone to speak to today, or some additional support:

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

If in immediate danger: 000

SANE Help centre 1800 187 263 which offers counselling between the hours of 10am-10pm.

We are sitting with you

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor06 Apr 2022, 4:47 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

@Daisydreamer yes today has been tough. I thought I was over self harm. I just don’t want thing to escalate to how bad they used to be. Having more suicidal and self harm thoughts isn’t a good sign.

I managed to get out of the house (which was good) for a bit and have a class soon. I’m safe and don’t need medical attention. Will see how the rest of the day goes and will try to reach out if self harm urges get too strong.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor07 Apr 2022, 1:58 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Can’t seem to convince myself of the reasons not to self harm, like why should I not do it? Just feel like it’ll help me cope with the suicidal urges I keep getting. Self harm is the less damaging option. I’ve tried reaching out for support, grounding, drawing. Can’t seem to get rid of this mess inside me.

I don’t know why I even posted this. I don’t mean to come off as attention seeking or manipulative. I am just lost.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Unknown userMember07 Apr 2022, 2:53 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

That's a really difficult place to be @creative_writer and unfortunately I don't have the answers. At times when I've struggled ultimately the answers to big questions, such as the one you've asked, have needed to come from within, and that can be really hard to navigate on your own.

Do you have any professional supports in place to help you through this? It sounds like you really need some additional support at the moment. Wondering if you've ever reached out to blueknot. They offer wonderful trauma informed counselling and advice.

Also wondering if you've picked up any coping tools in your journey that might help when you feel the urge to SH?

Concerned for you @creative_writer, and I can see you have been provided with additional numbers above, but just popping them in here again in case they may be able to assist:

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

If in immediate danger: 000

SANE Help centre 1800 187 263 which offers counselling between the hours of 10am-10pm.

Please take care,
Rhye ☘️

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor07 Apr 2022, 3:57 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

@Former-Member I’ve reached out to SANE today. It did help to talk to someone, the counsellor was lovely, but still feel really awful. It’s just very difficult. I’m not even sure what I need. I am a bit sleep deprived which isn’t helping. I woke up alarmed around 2:30 (I was probably half asleep, I don’t think my house was really shaking) but did manage to get some sleep afterwards.

I’ve picked up some tools to cope with self harm. Relaxation, and distracting myself until urges pass can help. But it seems as though the urges are not passing, at least yet. Professional supports has been tricky since my psych is away, and I need to get my referral reviewed by the new psychiatrist before I can have an appointment.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Unknown userMember07 Apr 2022, 4:10 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Even though it doesn't feel like it right now from where you are sitting, your response here is really good news, and here's why...

You reached out to talk to someone when you needed it 🏆
You've gotten in touch with how you're feeling, and noticed that you're sleep deprived – winning in being able to identify that 🏆
You have self soothing tools in your toolbox, even if they don't work miracles, you trust they help a little 🏆
It sounds like you are linked in with a psychologist, and maybe a psychiatrist, which whilst they are away and/or you're awaiting a new referral, at some point you showed true self-care to have reached out and put these supports in place – BIG WIN 🏆

May I be so bold as to reframe your original question...how do we sit with the urge to SH when the urges feel so overwhelming? Does this resonate and/or feel like it might be the question you'd like the answer to?

Please correct me here if needed, open to being wrong 😊

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor07 Apr 2022, 5:23 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

@Former-Member yeah it’s been hard to sit with self harm and suicidal urges. I want them to pass but they’ve been very stubborn. I seriously need to reconsider ways to prevent my emotions from building up. They always build up, and then I explode. I think I’ve been using this strategy since I was a kid that sometimes it hard not to use it. Even before this particular trauma happened, I used it for coping with childhood bullying.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor08 Apr 2022, 11:11 am AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

I’m disappointed in myself. Still couldn’t resist the urge of SH last night. I made it through the day but couldn’t go on any more without doing it last night. I am ok.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

hanamiSenior Contributor08 Apr 2022, 3:50 pm AEST

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Hi @creative_writer

I'm so sorry that you were feeling so down last night and your feelings led you to such a dark place. You mentioned that you reached out to SANE and learned some new tools to cope with the emotional build up. Learning new ways of coping can take some time and there may be some other members who will be able to support you with these new strategies. We recently had a discussion on the forums about alternatives to self-harm; I'm not sure if you saw this so I will share the link so you can read about other people's experiences of going through something similar Self Harm Awareness Month- March 2022 .

I'm so glad that you reached out here and please know that you are not alone. We are here with you.

Take care

hanami ❤️💮

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