Caring for someone with an eating disorder

I just wanted to say thank you to @Bow and @Paperdaisy for compiling this post. Eating disorders aren't something I've had a lot of experience with personally, so this is really informative and I think it will be a great resource for carers and family members of people with an ED. I really found the list of steps you can take to be supportive super helpful.

Thank you 💙

Thank you for allowing me to be involved and sharing some of my journey 🎀

Dropping by to add a few member tags for those who might be keen to jump in to this thread @Corny @Faith-and-Hope @ShiningStar @pinklollipop15 @maddison @Determined @Shaz51 @Susa

Hi Everyone 👋💕

I am dropping in to add my encouragement and support, but my circumstances have changed rather dramatically since joining the forums. When I first came here I was trying to support a severely eating disordered spouse and flag down medical help / intervention, for him as the sufferer who didn’t know he was a sufferer, me as his wife, and our children who were being thrown around by his condition. We were all living with an undiagnosed eating disorder.

Another, even more serious condition appears now to have been underpinning his issues with food and exercise, and equally difficult to diagnose is a personality disorder, which appears to have been driving the ED.

I have to keep saying “appears” because nothing was ever diagnosed, and the NPD pattern followed through the devaluation to discard cycle, with an ongoing Family Law matter to address massive hidden betrayals events beyond the fact that he had re-partnered without my awareness before the marriage ended, and had embedded our disabled daughter in that relationship, also without my awareness until D2 (daughter 2) spilled the beans without understanding the dynamics or consequences.

Whether x is still in the grip of his ED I don’t know, but I was told throughout our struggles by medical professionals, as generic advice, that if someone were to be doing what I was describing they were, it was unsustainable and would result in a health crisis eventually - but that there was little to no chance that it could resolve itself, He was going to need help and support in the longer term.

The kids and I are no longer involved with x at that level, however I am more than happy to support others in a similar situation in any way I can.

🌷F&H

Hello @Paperdaisy , @Bow , @Faith-and-Hope , @Former-Member

am thinking my mum has a eating disorder but she would totally disagree with you but she gets "meals on Wheels" which she only eats a mouthful out of the whole meals for lunch and then only has a mouthful of custard for dinner

How incredible @Bow ! Thank you for sharing. You have trusted the SANE community in sharing a part of your life that has posed many challenges - we are very grateful.

Also, thank you to @Paperdaisy for starting this very important thread. As @Former-Member has mentioned, it has brought much insight to not only me, but the community.

Thank you!

tyme

t is hard @Paperdaisy , @tyme , @Faith-and-Hope , @Former-Member , @Bow

have been leaving arrowroot biscuits for mum so she eats them with her cuppa

Yes @Bow ❤️, as @tyme said so well, thank you for having the courage to share your personal story with an ED with us - I am sorry I didn’t acknowledge that well enough in my post. I have so much appreciation how difficult it is to have to acknowledge the issue and reach out for help and ongoing support. You are brave and strong and generous in what you have achieved and continue to share towards helping others.

That sounds hard @Shaz51, but you are doing something sensible about it within that disempowerment you feel. The milk arrowroot’s will help to sustain your Mum, and while a higher nutrition intake would be more ideal at her age and in her condition, part of working with an ED is recognising that nothing is ideal, so making incremental inroads is massive in the overall picture.

It is also about helping the person to feel empowered themselves in other ways, because there are invariably underlying issues which result in the person trying to seek and maintain control over low self-esteem, or unhealed inner pain, or a relationship that is unbalanced ….. something ….. which may have nothing at all to do with you.

Live and compassion are essential in the ED carer, but also boundaries. You need to recognise that you are walking along with your loved one, but it is them who needs to take the steps towards wellness. You can’t do it for them. Apart from drawing boundaries around behaviours, you can’t push them either. The baby steps are theirs to take, and acknowledging that is to respect them, which is part of the healing they need.

Keeping your own balance within their orbit is important too, and not focusing on food or exercise with intensity yourself.