The everlasting lifemare

Hi @Redraw it sounds like you're feeling pretty low today and having a hard time. Please remember that you can contact lifeline on 13 11 14 or suicide call back service on 1300 659 467 for more one-on-one support if you need to. And as a community we are here for you too, if just for some distraction from the distress. What do you have on for the rest of the day?

Rest of today don't know probably go walkabout

Weather was likely as disappointing as could be expected, tide was very high, bit of rain gale force winds belting into my face, tide soaked me to the knees waterlogging my shoes, socks and pants, but walked a good 20 kms changed nothing caused some physical pain but at least that passes

A man stands upon the earth his eyes closed tight, they open on bright sun stinging his retinas, he stays on the spot looking in all directions seeing vast nothingness, merely sand and desolation, his skin bare feeling the burn of the sun against his pale naked flesh, the suns rays feel as if fire licking at his face and body his bare feet scorching in the roasting sand. "When did I get here? how did I get here? where am I and why?" He looks again in all directions no prints no tracks his skin unburnt by the sun his body still cool to the touch sweat barely even beading, "where do I go? Where did I come from?" All questions without answer, he begins to walk, no food, no water how long can he go, each step burning more than the last, skin reddening from the suns cruel torment, dune after dune he passes the sun seeming to not move across the sky at all.

after passing many many kilometres crossing many dunes in seemingly endless hours something small almost imperceptible lies in the distance, his body and mind weak, burning, and scared slowly move towards it. there is no definition in its form it gets closer his body so weak he crawls on frying hands and knees, the once imperceptible thing in the distance develops in clarity, only to be a small wall barely higher than his crawling boiling frame, but at least it is something he crawls over finding the side with the most shade digging with aching fingers getting as deep as he can getting maximum shade over him, solid salt pushing from his tear ducts rolling over his face, looking out from the hole with salt burning and blurring his vision he looks out seeing rotted wood, corroded metal, rotted dissolved vinyl, and molten glass obviously all had been there probably for centuries his eyes close against the salted pain, then in his ears 'tick tick tick tick' eyes open wide looking for the source of the sound a glimmer of polished metal protrudes from the sand nearby a shimmer of glass, he crawls over raking sand away to find a clock in pristine condition like it was placed there just then in stark contrast to all else rotted by centuries. 'Tick tick tick tick' he smashes the clock against the wall "STOP YOUR INFERNAL TICKING BURROWING THROUGH MY BRAIN" dragging broken glass and metal from the hole shaking as he crawls back into his shaded space, his eyes close yet again 'tick tick tick tick'

I find myself at somewhat of an impasse my hopes and dreams and aspirations I had when young have all faded away mostly as the odds became so heavily skewed against them that they turned into fiction as apposed to potential, people don't seem to care about me, relationships non existent, I have no real interest in money, work is a loss it's been years since I have had any kind of real job but my mind and body still broken from a job that crushed me mind body an spirit, I used to think good things may come if I continued to help whoever I could however I could, if I was nice and good natured, people have done me many and much harm and I wish almost all of them no I'll will, yet still all I receive is disdain, looked upon as some kind of idiot manchild, so all those dreams have died I face each day just fighting to make it to the next scared, alone and experiencing naught but pain, like it matters. I have done many good things I have created with no thought of compensation, I have given with no thought repayment, I have supported with no ulterior motives, I have even saved lives. Yet all I have known and been shown is pain perhaps partly because emotions are so strange to me I don't know it just hurts

Hello @Redraw I haven't seen your recent posts til now. Glad you are back. I have volunteered for something a bit different in my area .. Other times .. I just stubbornly carve out my grief garden .. it has evoleved over the 15 years I have been here .. gives me consolation ... take care

This demons call tearing through my skull uncensored, unyielding rips me apart I cannot shake it loose cannot stop the pain it burrows ever deeper I grip at my skull with taloned hands begging that the screaming in my head, the weeping of my heart and the burning of my soul be stopped be softened. No answer meets me, no reprieve, everyday a challenge, a battle always I have faced and it seems always I shall face the monsters the pain the hell alone and unarmed................my weakness grows, fending off what blows I can, sinking ever deeper into what is now an ocean of quicksand created of my unshed tears