Hi @HenryX and everyone,
Hazy though the old brain is tonight, I caught sight of this thread and wanted to contribute. I've been in that very low place so many times, many of them not only without support but with people (I say people, I mean various of my exes) actively working against my recovery. Having a bunch of stuff in the ol' toolbox for pulling ourselves out of a hole is vital.
@LiveInHope1, you said "when bad feelings hit, to try to continue on with life as normally as possible, trying not to give too much attention to feelings if you know they are not based in fact". I'd like to expand on and tweak that a little bit. I don't think you mean to ignore the emotion, but I can't vouch for the guy who wrote the book you referenced. Anyway, I want to add some thoughts from Reuben Lowe (a therapist who promotes mindfulness among other things). I discovered this after my worst bout of depression, but from him I got the idea of "the art of allowing". That is, sitting with that feeling - hurt, sadness, dread, whatever. Not engaging with it, not fighting it, not trying to ignore or distract ourselves from it. From that place, acknowledging the feeling - what it is, why it is - then continuing as you said, to do the things we know are good for us. By nature I am a fighter, so that's what I did. What's this sadness business? Hell no, I'm fighting it! I didn't know then that fighting it feeds the emotion, blows it out of proportion. So does engaging with it (at least in non-constructive ways), and so does ignoring it - it just comes back stronger. Allowing it, acknowledging it and letting it just be there as we go about our business lets it eventually pass. My other tweak would be to say dial back responsibilities. "Living life normally" usually means being busy - with work, with jobs and projects, with social stuff. Working out what we can handle and what we can't helps create some mental space. Saying yes to extra shifts when there's enough money to keep food on the table is probably a bad idea. Going to the birthday party of some girl at work you don't even like that much - nah, let's not. Even managing meals - if you can order in or have a frozen meal sometimes to take a break from cooking, that's okay. When things are bad, little shortcuts can be lifesavers.
@RedHorse- first of all, sorry to see you're having a rough time. Secondly, I think I get where you're coming from about the good in participating on the forums. I find that being able to help someone else draws me out of my own troubles, reminds me that I can think in constructive ways, makes me feel useful (especially when I'm not feeling too useful in solving my own problems), and in some cases touches on my own stuff from a whole new perspective that unblocks barriers I'd been having trouble with in my life. You made perfect sense. I hope your participation now is helping you feel a bit better.
I want to add a bit more about making space for yourself. I mean that physically and mentally. I'm afraid I'm going to touch on the topic of minimalism here. I found in my darkest times I'd managed to have items in my possession from times I didn't want to remember, from people who had hurt me - things that just hurt to see or touch or even know were there. Why I still had them, I don't know. I thought I could sell some, but I didn't have the energy to do it. There came a point when I decided to just bin a heap of it, take some to op shops, put big things on the curb for whoever to take away. Best thing I ever did. And when I did, I was able to find things that were lost in the junk that actually had meaning to me. Old earrings I used to love that actually expressed something about me and made me feel good when I wore them. Books I really wanted to read. I felt physically lighter when I did that stuff, it helped my state of mind a lot.
I'll stop now. Except to extend kind thoughts to @Anastasia - sounds like you're in a really hard place right now. Not so long ago I was far from home, allowed only very brief periods (thanks to covid) to see my partner who had just had major surgery that I didn't know for sure he would survive. Not the same as a child, but I have some idea of how that must feel. Sending you some strength.
AFK.
