Struggling

@RedHorse how did you go with your daughter? Hope you managed ok

Hello @perspective @RedHorse @tyme I hope the weekend is treating you well.

Looking forward to an update @RedHorse on life in WA.

Hope the Spring weather is suiting you and doggo @perspective.

I'm feeling a bit fed up, but maybe my mood will lift with daylight saving. Some people I know have covid atm. Me, I'm pretty much in isolation all the time. Do you ever resent your circumstances?

Good question and YES!
I think I resent it more now as I’m getting to 60 and I realise there were some missed opportunities. Ultimately I absolutely don’t blame myself as I used to. I’m not really as nice a person as I used to be. I think doctors and certain members of my family expect gratitude. They can get effed .

Gratitude could be difficult @perspective if in some sense it's deference to others' power or control. I must admit I've never had a sense of control or agency. Life was a constant struggle to survive, to work to support myself, to keep going despite periodic illness incapacity and ineptitude. I was unaware of opportunities and probably incapable of seizing them even if I'd recognised them. Fear and uncertainty persist. Niceness is a quality I don't recognise in myself or my family. I aspire to compassion but lack connectivity and connection so it's at a distance. Unlike you I absolutely blame myself I'm so glad for you that you've been able to move beyond that. I feel shame and regret. It hurts.

I have bitterness and I hate it. My joy is minimal. I think we all deserve so much more. Hope you’re ok

Thanks @perspective , I'll be OK. I hope you'll be OK too, and maybe find joy in small things. But I understand the bitterness.

Thanks for hearing me tonight.

Hi @perspective and @Dimity

Thanks for asking about my visit with my daughter while you struggle through with other things. I hope you will both find some peace over the weekend.

As for me I'm already more than half way through my 3 week visit and it has gone so fast, I'm stunned.

My daughter and SIL (and their two dogs) have made me feel very welcome and valued which is nice after feeling so down and dysfunctional prior to the trip.

One thing I will say is that city life has changed greatly since last time I was here over 3 years ago and I haven't been confident enough to drive yet, although I really feel the need to do so before I leave in case I never go back to it again. Time will tell if this happens.

As to the city differences to my Off Grid life EVERYTHING here is online/ through phone Apps - e.g. you order a coffee from McDonald's using the App and just give an online code at the drive through to collect it.

My daughter has introduced me to Iced Long Blacks and I'm really going to miss the experience and convenience when I return to the bush life.

I haven't seen anyone else use cash except at the op shop we went to the other day. I feel like I am from the stone ages when I open my wallet here.

I'm hoping my return flights go as smoothly as my arrival ones. Although there were delays on both legs and my suitcase zippers were damaged, at least my flights weren't cancelled and my luggage followed me from Port Macquarie to Perth via Sydney without going missing.

My daughter works and attends uni part-time and my SIL works a 5 day week and from home on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and ofcourse the dogs are here full time so I haven't been left to my own devices or felt overwhelmingly lonely or down at all so far...

I have felt a little incapable with all the technological advances I've missed having just my phone and very limited social media when at home plus the roadways and driving thing but am taking it one day at a time and really trying not to stress about what I feel is my lack of agency/ incapacity...

Because really what can I do other than participate more in life here and when at home which is a real sticking point for me.

I'm really NOT looking forward to returning to my grotty caravan and outdoor kitchen and bathroom facilities. As I said, I am trying to focus on the now and deal with the then when the time comes.

Take care,

RedHorse 🌹🐴

I’m so pleased it’s been good - what a relief for you.

I’m off to bed it’s sooo late I didn’t realise

speak soon

Hello @RedHorse I'm glad you're finding so many positives and actually enjoying the time with your daughter and SIL.

Re feeling technologically challenged it's not necessarily a bush experience. I live in the suburbs, don't drive, use a few apps but don't do takeaways, but I admit I rarely use cash.

Have you talked to your daughter and SIL about what you might like to do differently about your living situation, and got their take on it? Living off grid must present many challenges but if you're in a position to invest in some improvements it might help with daily living and ease some of the difficulties. While you're still in Perth you might be able to find some stores or showrooms specialising in sustainable living that might give you some ideas.

I agree with Dimity there should be a way of getting you a better living situation. I know it may be your choice but sometimes we don’t realise we are doing ourselves harm.