In answer to your questions @Historylover - Firstly - you are not defective although that is not a description I would align with anyone. We are all unique in our own ways and there are so many factors that make up the 'who we are'. Some of that is genetics, some history, some societal expectations and how we relate or not, some our mental illness, some our own values systems (and so much more). It tales a lot to consider and combine all those into how we see ourselves, where we fit in and those we choose to have around us ...and I emphasise choose here because we do have a choice who we do or do not let be part of our lives and who we do or do not let 'rule' our lives. Our histories here are very different but one thread of similarity is a history of letting others have the power and control over us - they leave an indelible mark on the 'who we are' and how we deal with things ...But - that is in the past and we can only move forward a day at a time now being who we want to be. There are always barriers and limitations that we have to adjust to or break down completely but it is possible to do that. It is possible to find a better life but that has to be for us - not for anyone else, not to prove anything to anyone nor to smash their pre-conceived or abusive ideas of where you should be and what you should be doing. One thing about abuse (and power imbalances in any relationship) is the need to control - so take that control back by dismissing their power and finding your own in this world.
I do not think that all people are intrinsically self-serving but there are certainly many out there that only think of themselves and what they can get out of life - and along the way they crush anyone in their way. Unfortunately you have suffered at the hands of more of those people than any one person should even have to had contact with. I believe we are also 'attracted' to those kind of people when we have had a history of trauma and/or abuse as it is the only thing we have know - that then snowballs throughout our lives until we ourselves begin to take steps to break free of that - and that is incredibly hard. It means we have to take massive risks, step so far outside our comfort zone that we do not even recognise where we are and make changes in baby steps to work towards what we deserve ...that is a better life for ourselves. The more we begin to find those like-minded people, people that treat us with even a small amount of dignity and respect, the more we can choose to seek out those people. It is a process though, takes time and resilience to get back up when we fall ...and we will/do fall because life is not linear nor all sunshine and roses. Life is about finding those things we love, finding people that we can relate to and can relate to us and letting go of all those things that have held us back.
In relation to you ex, children and ex pdoc - their power remains the more 'air' you give them. I do understand how 'broken' you feel by their betrayal and abuse but you are more than they would ever know because they have never wanted to actually 'know' YOU. What I see here is strength, courage and a will that may not be obvious but comes through in all your posts here. The mere fact you reach out for support shows me there is a desire to move forward. Having those constant and nagging suicidal thoughts is not a nice place to sit - been there so many times myself - you feel worthless, numb, nothing - but you are none of those ...you are worthwhile, someone that has a lot to give and deserve a life of love and light. Begin by telling yourself that those that have hurt you do not deserve any of your thoughts - put those pieces back together in the present and start with those things you love about yourself because you ARE worthy, you ARE special and you do deserve the best.
