Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

@CheerBear - Oh yes, the support I receive here on the Forums are very important to me, it always has been. And I very much appreciate it. No it may not be the same as off-line support, but it still most definitely has a big place in my life. And many other people here too.

@Former-Member - Yes, if I knew you in real life, we could very definitely be there for each other. Like you are finding, it is important we have someone in our real lives. My GP brought that home to me in no uncertain terms. Where do we find such a person though? My psych has been encouraging me to join a Tai Chi class which has a few people attend whom she says I would get along great with. People who she says would tuck me under their motherly wing and make sure I was okay. I dont know though. I may think about doing the class. It is done through our local U3A group, so I might enrol in that class in Term 1 and see how it goes. Tai Chi is good anyway, good for the mind and the body. So whether I meet prospective friends or not, is probably irrelevant. I have done my art class through the same U3A group, so its possible there may be people there I already know through the art class. Unfortunately I didnt get to many classes this year with hubbys illness, hospitalisations, apts, etc. Yes its true Mumi that tears can be healing, or more a cleansing process I suppose. They are unfortunately also exhausting.

@Appleblossom - Yeah I was pretty surprised that my GP suggested I could do online counselling. Certainly I have no formal training in the field. Although I do have my brother who rings me regularly as his primary support person on his safety plan. And I did have a stint as a volunteer peer supporter on another on-line Forum last year. I was told at the time that I was extremely good at it. But I really dont know. I do genuines feel for people and tend to put myself in their shoes. So I may find it too emotionally draining right now. I think my GP is of the opinion that I need something more to do than sit at home caring for a sick husband. I do miss working and I miss the mental stimulation of work. So it was kind of him to think I could do something like that. I know Lifeline do a fair amount of training before they let you loose on the general public. Something to think about I guess.

@Zoe7 - You need never be concerned about the quality of your replies. They are always well thought out, thought provoking, kind, supportive, intelligent and full of sound advice.

Yes of course any sense of guilt or shame should be with the perpetrators of the crime of destroying peoples lives through no fault of ours. But in practice that just isnt what happens. We, the victims, are the ones left with the many soul destroying emotions involved when it comes to any interpersonal assault. We are the ones left with strong feelings of guilt, fear and shame. We are the ones to have our sense of self crippled and our trust in people shattered. In many respects, trauma inflicted upon us by someone we know and trust can have a far more profound and long-lasting effect on us, than would a random act of voilence by a complete stranger, such as a war situation.

I'm like you in that I find it almost impossible to even contemplate telling any family members about what I go through in my daily life. To do so would require explanations, something I dont think I can give. And why would I worry them? They all have enough to worry about. And them knowing, will not help me anyway. All it can do is to upset and harm them. So keep it to myself, I must.

I mentioned a little about a possible counselling role to Appleblossom above, so wont comment further on that. But I totally agree that I would need to have adequate measures in place to protect myself. In the same instance I also need to have that sense of purpose you spoke about. It is very much lacking lately. For over a year, my sense of purpose has been keeping my husband alive and as well as possible. I know thats a worthy thing in itself, but I need more than that. When I was doing the peer support role elsewhere, I did enjoy it and felt a sense of purpose for the first time in ages. I know its a little different, but I guess I am not entirely without necessary experience or skills.

Yes for the time being my psych assures me she will continue to do her clinical work. The main reason she has decided to sell her business is because she is now spending way too much time on administrative things rather than the clinical work she loves so much. She told me she will continue to treat her long term clients even after she sells. Just where that will be, she doesnt know. Its possible someone who works for her now, may well buy the practice and permit her to continue to practice there. All very much up in the air right now. But there again, it may all be quite some time away. I shouldnt allow myself to worry over it now.

I agree with what you said about our ability to trust and open up to fellow members here. There is a general feeling of safety here, and having anonymity permits us to open up and be really honest about our thoughts and feelings. Knowing that others here feel the same and understand, is also a major plus.

Thank you Zoe for your kind words at the end of your post yesterday. I honestly cannot say I feel brave or strong. Quite the opposite in fact. But for you to say I inspire you ... well that means a lot, and I thank you. Certainly you do that for me, and I know for many others here on the Forums.

@BlueBay - Thank you Blue for your very kind words. Yes I totally agree with you ... having everyone here to love, support and care for me when I need it the most, is an invaluable resource. Something I never thought possible only a few years ago. I am ever grateful for my psych for recommending I join the Forums as a means of learning to open up and talk. Love hugs and friendship to you also. I really hope you are doing much better this evening. I think you were getting something to help you sleep again tonight, so hoping you are resting comfortably right now.

@Starta - So relieved to hear from you my friend. Yes I was aware you were spending a few days home from the hospital. Though you would be back there again by now. I hope you are back into your single room downstairs and getting the good care you deserve. Its reassuring to know you are listening and caring, even though you are likely to be (understandably) quiet for a while. I am also mindful of possible triggers here for you. Please know I care deeply for you, and also want you to be safe and well. I will write to you on your thread from now on, but please do not feel obliged to respond. Love and hugs dear lady.

@Peri - Hi there, and lovely to hear back from you again. I have been wondering how you've been but didnt want to keep tagging you and possibly feeling you were being inundated with notifications.

I am really glad to hear that you do have a good friend you feel you're able to confide in. I'm sure that would feel good. I can understand you not wanting to over burden her, but at the same time I feel she would likely tell you if that were the case. I also think you are most likely perceptive enough to know how much she can take and how much is too much.

Oh dear, that sounds bad with regards to your son. I am so sorry. I really do not have any solutions. It must be so terribly hard for you.

There is a lot which happened elsewhere Peri, a history going back just on 3 years now. I wont go into it more now, but suffice to say I've now had enough and cannot take any more of it from them. I did my best, but failed. I tried to maintain my anonymity there, but was 'discovered'. And once that happened, my time there was up. This may all sound kinda weird, but I am limited in what I can say. Lets just say that I was punished for continuing to maintain my right of anonymity whilst there as a volunteer. Once that was determined, I was never going to be forgiven by some of my fellow volunteers. They are a great organisation however, and I would not discourage others from seeking support there. The fact I kept going back proves that I felt it was worth it. I think my situation was quite unique and most unfortunate. Over the 3 years, it caused me a lot of distress. I'm sorry you felt ticked off by some of your posts there being removed. Something which always annoyed me, the fact that they remove anything they dont like, even if there are no rule breaches. Or even worse, they change posts to something you never meant in the first place. That doesnt happen here.

Peri, I too am glad you bothered to look for me and find me here. I feel honoured that you would do so.

As for whether forum life is good or bad for us ... I think that is something each of us must answer for ourselves. I also believe that answer will be different at different times. So what is beneficial for us now, may not be next week. The forums can draw you in sometimes. It is important you dont allow them to take over your every waking moment. But I do think that being able to talk to like minded people here has a massive benefit for many of us. You may be a little different as you have a friend you feel you can talk to. For me, I find interaction here very important to me. I find writing and expressing myself here very therapeutic. But I also know I need to back off and spend time away sometimes too. We are all different in that respect I think, and you need to judge for yourself how much is too much. If you find that reading of other peoples sadness and distress, in turn causes you additional anxiety, then I think you need to spend some time away. But as I said, there will then come a time where coming back will likely be helpful to you again. Am I rambling? I hope this all makes sense.

I guess you have not had particularly good experiences with any psychologists you've had in the past. I could say, that perhaps you just havent found the right one. One whom you 'click' with. But I do accept that there is only so much they can do. Their job is to give us tools and resources with which we can help ourselves. Whether thats through specific trauma therapy, or teaching us CBT or mindfulness. I think much of that you can do online anyway if you are disciplined enough. But once you have all those tools, then I guess you're right, it can become somewhat repetitive. I know with my psych, some sessions we just simply talk. Its like I do a debrief of all thats happened since I last saw her. Then she will go through all my thoughts and feelings around all the latest events. Then she discusses things I can do to help me deal with all that. I expect all psychs are different however. I know I am very lucky in that I found a very good one first go. My current GP referred me to her, initially because she does pain management. After being treated for that for over a year, she delved deeper and got me talking about other matters at a weak moment, which eventually led to my diagnosis of PTSD. I was just lucky that she is also a very well respected trauma therapist.

Peri, just do what feels right for you. Certainly you are under no obligation to continue to take part on the forums if you feel they are not helping you. Or even worse, if you feel they are bad for you. Only you can tell. Now its me whose thoughts are getting all jumbled. I will leave it there. Its after midnight already, and I need sleep.

Good night everyone. And thanks for listening to my ramblings.

Sherry 🤗💕🌸💤

@Former-Member