@Zoe7 @Owlunar @CheerBear @Shaz51 @Snowie @Sans911 @Former-Member @Appleblossom @outlander @Molliex @Bunniekins @Peri @Former-Member @BlueBay @Faith-and-Hope @MDT @Maggie @Adge @TAB @eth @Teej ... and any others I have possibly missed.
Thanks all of you for your welcome back messages either here or on the Introduce Yourself here thread from last week. Some of the pics have been really gorgeous, as have the messages from you all. You are a pretty special group of people, and I'm very lucky to be a part of this community. I thought it was about time I provided an update. I apologise in advance for the length of this update. But I guess I havent spoken much (with anyone) for some time.
I have been feeling so incredibly sad over the past month or so. I've been extremely teary and fragile mentally and emotionally. Also been in a constant state of hypervigilance. Its been such a difficult few months for me. I know it has for many others too, but for me it just seems to have been one thing on top of another. And too many of these 'things' are way too close to home for me.
Only months ago we were surrounded by bushfires here, being rained down upon by soot and live embers for weeks on end. Then two months ago there was the horrifying news of the domestic violence incident in QLD where the Mum and her beautiful children were killed by a narcissistic husband/father. This all seems such a long time ago, as its seemingly been overtaken by The Virus. How time flies.
Now we're all in lockdown due to the Coronavirus. Life has changed completely for all of us, and seemingly no end in sight for any significant change. So many people suffering through loss of jobs, death of loved ones and lack of any financial security. Businesses lost, possibly never to be recovered. A way of life possibly lost forever. Its so depressing.
Then a couple of weeks ago, we learned of the overturning of the conviction of Cardinel Pell for child sexual abuse. I am a rape surviver myself, but was too afraid to report it. And I was an adult ... how much more difficult must it be for childrent to report these incidents? And then for charges to be dropped due to lack of evidence. One persons word against another. Most rapes there are no witnesses, so therefore a victim can never win, never receive justice and rarely be believed. This result just seems to prove that perpetrators of rape and abuse will always hold the upper hand. Innocent until proven guilty. Okay its fair .. but it doesnt make it right. Very disappointing.
I unloaded to my psych two weeks ago about both the Pell decision and the tragedy of the young Mum and her children who died at the hands of her controlling narcissistic husband. Talking to her about both issues helped a little, as I had been bottling up my frustrations, fears and sadness around both.
It was my Mums birthday 3 weeks ago. The first since I lost her last year, and it hit me quite unexpectedly hard. Mothers Day is now fast approaching, I expect I will probably feel that quite intensely too.
Next week it would have been my little niece's 16th birthday, had she not died in a freak accident nearly 5 years ago. My brother is going through a hard time right now too ... He doesnt say much, but I can tell. It was his birthday on Monday and I sent him a msg to wish him a happy birthday. He responded with ... thanks, but I'm not feeling it right now. The happy .. that is. I feel for him so much. He has had so much tragedy in his life. Just on a year ago he and his wife lost an unborn baby. So its not an easy time for him at all.
My elderly Dad remains very unwell after a recent mini stroke, on top of a major stroke a little over a year ago. He has also had several falls, which is a big concern given he lives at home on his own. But he lives a long way from where I am, and visiting is not an option right now with coronavirus restrictions in place. So I phone him every day. I know he appreciates that, because he is really very lonely since Mum died 9 months ago.
My husbands father and brother are currently both in interstate hospitals. Unfortunately with states closing their borders, and restrictions on hospital and nursing home visitors ... it looks like it will be a long time before we are able to travel over to see them. We were to attend a family (in-law) wedding in WA in mid March. With the Virus, likely state shutdowns and cancellation of flights ... we never got there. I cancelled a few days before we were due to go. I was relieved in the end, because it was always going to be a difficult trip with hubby being unwell.
Its been hard for me too ... with a trauma anniversary less than 2 months ago. It seemed to hit even harder this year, perhaps due to all thats been happening in my life and in the world. Plus it being a leap year, so the actual day of 29th being particularly poignant. My brain and heart have felt completely frazzled the past 2 months, and I just havent had a chance for anything to settle.
Things just keep happening, and like I said at the start ... they are all so close to home and so relatable to my own history and circumstances. The horrifying truck crash in Melbourne the night before last, where 4 police were killed is one such thing. Awful ... just awful to think that lives can be lost so quickly and so totally unexpectedly.
A freak accident by the looks of it. Just like when my brother had his car accident in which his 11 year old daughter died going on 5 years ago. Em would have been turning 16 next week. Her life was snatched away in a split second ... taken by an 'act of god' if you like. A cold windy day, an overhead branch breaks and falls at the split second my brothers car was passing underneath. He was knocked out and ran off the road side swiping a small sappling tree against the passenger side door, a lethal piece of metal shearing off the door frame did the damage. Low speed accident, it should not have been fatal. But it was. Freak accident ... and devastation for all involved. My heart breaks all over again for those police officers families as they deal with this tragedy. I am still dealing with it, after nearly 5 years ... that awful phone call to say Em is dead and brother is in hospital with a broken neck. Like the rape, those memories never go away.
Hubby has been more unwell again recently too. Much of the same as before, only worse. As he has undergone recent cancer treatment and is immune compromised, its important he is rigid with his self isolation. He is a very social person and his mates are very important to him. Especially with Anzac day coming up. Its going to be hard for him. He is drinking more, he is becoming more and more angry. I am doing my best to keep clear of him. To make matters worse, his psychiatrist has ordered a change of ADs. So the past few weeks he has been reducing one of his ADs .. an SNRI which is well documented to be difficult to wean off.
His psych and his GP have been monitoring him closely, but its been a difficult few weeks. Including obviously becoming more depressed and some suicidal thoughts as well, from what I can tell. Once this med is done with, I think the plan is to try another one to replace it. Hi psychiatrist rang on Tuesday to check on him and will be phoning again soon. He has several specialist appointments coming up over the coming weeks, along with scans and tests to continue monitoring his cancer and his adrenal failure. His Parkinsons Disease continues to dog him and it will likely mean another increase in meds when he sees his neurologist in June.
I saw my psychologist a couple of weeks ago, possibly for the final time. Its looking likely she has sold her practice and will be taking leave indefinitely. She may or may not return to practice. Initially my appointment was to be via phone, but then I heard from her to say that I should go in personally to see her instead. So that was a relief.
But its really hard not knowing what will happen from now on. I very much rely on my psych's support and advice. She told me I could contact her via email any time, if I need to. So I guess thats something, but there is so much uncertainty around it all that I am not dealing very well with it. I am someone who plans and prepares to the nth degree. Its hard to do when there are so many unknowns in the mix.
But in all honesty ... right now, I feel like I'm losing control. I'm like a tightly wound spring, ready to break. I have no power and no control over anything in my life. I guess its been an accumulation of things over a longish period of time now, and little to no respite in between.
I'm very grateful to @Former-Member and @s-jay for allowing me to come back here and helping to facilitate my return. I'm also very blessed that so many of you here continue to support me and have taken the time to welcome me back. Right now, my brain feels like complete mush a lot of the time, and I have so much 'junk' accumulating and swirling around in my head. It helps to talk and get some of it out ... so thanks for listening to my drivel. I know this is a very long post. But hey ... its been a while since I've been able to unload.
Sherry 💕
thanks for sharing. Thats a lot. Hope you feel a bit better 
