Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

Yesterday marked the 21 year anniversary of my trauma. After having undergone extensive Exposure Therapy for PTSD 18 months ago and then a long and difficult block of EMDR therapy mid last year, I had hoped this year would be so much better than previous years.

But it hasnt been! I guess there are a few things which may contribute to this. I recently quit my job and finished work two weeks ago. I had thought it would make life easier for me, but perhaps its had the opposite affect, giving me too much time to think. The ongoing issues with my brother are a constant concern for me and he has a court case coming up in 4 weeks. So he is struggling a lot lately and seems to be draining me with some of the long discussions over the phone we have been having.

This last week I feel like I am drowning. Unable to breathe, reaching for something that isnt there and slowly sinking in feelings of panic and dread. So tired, fed up, unsure about everything. Its the worst time of year for me. Why does a mere date on a calendar have such a profound affect?

I'm not working now, so all days are the same. So I try not to acknowledge dates, diaries, calendars or anything that acts as a reminder of the trauma anniversary date. But it makes little difference.

It's as though my body knows. It's on constant alert, staying in a highly emotional state. Everything now becomes a trigger for my PTSD. Even things which aren't usually. I imagine things, see things which aren't there, my mind plays tricks on me.

My heart pounds loudly in my head like a locomotive. I'm unable to control the visible shaking in my limbs, or the quaking in my inner core. I know it's just anxiety, but it physically hurts.

I know these symptoms will reduce, but while they're here, life is very hard. I just want it all to be over, and for future February's to be wiped off the calendar. And maybe half of March as well.

I've done what I can to avoid unexpected triggers. I try hard to do some mindfulness each day. If I can just get the hang of it, I know I would be benefited from that. Now that the weather is cooler, my little dog Holly has become all cuddly again and stays close to me all the time. She can always tell when things are not as they should be.

I know physical exercise is important, so I forced myself to the gym the last two weeks for a yoga class. Now that I am not working, this is now possible, so thats a good thing. Between gym classess I try to do some time daily on an exercise bike at home. I'm not so good at forcing myself to do this, it's too easy to become discouraged and just not do it.

I've increased the medication I was prescribed for ptsd-related nightmares. I was advised by my GP and psych to increase the dose if I needed a little bit extra help. I had hoped not to, and stubbornly resisted until recently. I've had to swallow my pride along with the increased meds. This is a temporary measure only! I will put up with the resulting dizziness in the short term, out of desperation for sleep.

I am even trying hard to restrict the alcohol intake.

I'm doing all the right things aren't I?

Hi @Appleblossom @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope. I do apologise for not being around much for some time. I have really been trying hard to get through this time on my own, but I find that I just cant.

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope. I am not the best of swimmers it seems. I think I may need some floaties.

I've been particularly emotional and on edge today. I keep wiping away tears, there for no legitimate reason that I am aware of. I'm not able to concentrate on anything, not even a book, a simple crossword or sudoku. Making an everyday decision seems to be beyond me right now. My anxiety has hit me this past week with full force. I feel sick. I'm had little to no sleep in over a week. I'm floundering badly, struggling just to get through each day as they come.

I wish I could run away and hide someplace where I'm alone and don't have to deal with everyday struggles. But having gone through all this before, I know that doesn't work either!

On my anniversary date, I forced myself out the front door and into my car. I had difficulty driving, as my right leg was shaking so violently it was downright dangerous. Deep breaths .. breathe! I didn't want to be at that yoga class. But exercise is a good thing, or so I'm told. So I went and did my hour-long class. I could not face the final 5 minutes though, the meditative bit where memories and emotions come flooding in. I leave before the end, that part can wait for another day. I learned my lesson the week before where I had tears streaming down my face and sobbed uncontrollably, having to make a hasty retreat. Why does meditation do that to you? I never expected that, having never done yoga before.

Perhaps I'll just "batten down the hatches" for a while longer. Hide under the doona and listen to the beautiful rain we've been getting here this past week. Attempt to obliterate the thoughts and memories in this crazy mind of mine. The thoughts that make my heart race and take away my ability to breathe.

Perhaps just talking about it will make it seem less of a burden. Thats what I'm hoping anyway.

I hope talking about it brings some relief too @Former-Member.

And I am so glad you took yourself off to yoga class, and you have been self-nurturing anpbout taking yourself out of the meditation / relaxation part at the end. Well done ❣

Despite what my hubby is going through, I believe exercise is a real panacea.

Music often has the power to illicit strong emotional responses from me @Former-Member .... and I expect that form of music is a type of meditation .... their are mantpy languages of the mind and heart beyond what is spoken, but that is how and why these languages can provide healing as well .... I would say that their volume is too loud for you at the moment .... so maybe dial it down a bit .... just sitting in your car and breathing deeply can be a toned down version of meditation .... the right sort of music will support you emotionally too.

Even simple things like trying out a new recipe can be a supportive and healing experience. It's distracting, and the sights, textures, and smells will speak a language beyond words in your inner world.

❤️💕 Hugs @Former-Member ....

sooo happy to see you here @Former-Member

one day at a time my friend

sending you some hugs

How are you today ??

@Former-Member

As promised, here is my thread, in case you'd like to share experiences with me.

Do you have another thread as well, other than the intro one?

If you do, can you please tag me on it next time as well?

Thanks.

@Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @Appleblossom @Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member @Zoe7

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have just gone through the 21st anniversary of my trauma. One of the things I do find helpful to me is writing. I have been doing poetry a bit lately and find myself becoming quite engrossed in it. This past week though has been tough, so I thought I would write down stuff that bothers me, things I want out of my system. So on Wednesday, the closest day to the actual anniversary (29th February, so it only comes around on leap years), I wrote this piece of poetry/prose. I thought I would share it with you. It is the story of my trauma, and I hope it will help to get things off my chest right now

MY STORY

Twenty one years ago I was happy and carefree,

But early one summer evening, that all changed.

My life was forever altered by chance,

When a former trusted friend arrived.

Completely unexpected and unannounced,

A knock on the door - a cheerful welcome.

I'd not seen him in at least three years,

I know not why he turned up when he did.

A casual, friendly talk between old friends,

But then it quickly turned far more sinister.

Suggestions became shocking demands,

I don't understand, this man I once trusted.

This is not the person I thought I knew,

I'm confused, disbelieving, I'm afraid now.

I'm panicking - this can't be happening,

What did I do, what did I say? This isn't right.

I am a small slight woman, but do all I can to resist,

He is Army Reserve, fit and naturally far stronger than I.

I sense he is angry now, and I am very afraid,

I have no control over this, and I am panicking.

My efforts to fight him off prove to be in vain,

And I am physically badly hurt in the process.

I'm aware again now, crumpled in a corner of the room,

What am I doing here, all cold, shaking and confused?

Then I remember! Was it a nightmare or did it happen?

I feel sick, and I realise that I've vomited all over myself.

I get up and stagger to the bathroom, where I'm sick again.

My head hurts, I feel the lump behind my temple. So it's real.

How long has passed, what time is it, is he still in the house?

So many questions. I get to the front door and deadlock it.

How could this happen? I have never been a risk taker.

Always shy, overly careful, some would say, a little naive.

You hear in the news about this sort of thing happening,

But always to others, I never suspected it could be me.

I don't know what to do or where to turn, I'm alone in this.

I turn on the shower and step under, I remain there, numb.

Long after the hot water runs out and it turns an icy cold,

I get out, put on some night clothes and lay on my own bed.

No sleep, tears run down my face, an unrelenting headache,

Shock, pain - physical and emotional - seemingly unbearable.

A gap in my memory, what happened after I blacked out?

Why did he just abandon me there, broken and battered?

My trust has been broken, my self-respect is non-existent.

I blame myself, it must have been something I did, or said.

I can't tell anyone, the shame is too much for me to take,

I must keep this to myself, pretend that nothing happened.

No use reporting it to authorities, evidence is washed away.

My word against his, I can't go through this all over again.

It's morning now, a Friday. I can't go to work looking like this.

I ring work and tell them I'm sick, but will be in on Monday.

I have three days to hide the visible signs and inner turmoil.

My home is no longer a safe place, and I fear he may return.

I make my home a fortress - I don't answer door or phone.

I have no family nearby, and few friends who will miss me.

I retreat into my own tiny world, leaving home only for work,

I get to work and do what I need to, as if on remote control.

No one suspects anything is wrong, I can do this, all is okay.

But soon the daily nightmares take a toll, getting no sleep.

I have no interest in food so I forget to eat, forget to drink,

Someone at work asks if I'm okay, as I've become very thin.

This was the wakeup call I needed, drawing attention to me.

I had to start taking better care of myself, I forced myself to eat.

My fear of pregnancy fortunately proves to be unfounded.

This is a major relief, as I had avoided seeing my Doctor.

I need to escape, my home is not the safe haven it once was.

I sell my home and move, it allows brief respite from memories.

But still he is everywhere, he is the man in the car alongside,

He is the man in the supermarket, the man walking behind me.

Reminders are everywhere and escape from them is impossible.

Again I move, and still the memories and fears follow me there.

Over time everything fades just a little, I become almost normal.

But all it takes is a news story, a word or a name in conversation.

And instantly I'm back there again, via flashbacks and nightmares.

Nights where I'm afraid to close my eyes for fear of what I'll see.

Days of high anxiety and no peace within my own head, or heart.

If only I could escape this incessant roller coaster, and just live.

Thank you @Former-Member I shall set about reading. I have no thread I'm still finding my way around. I've posted here and there if I felt I could contribute. Not ready to try to explain my trauma yet, not even sure I can.

Tooky xx

edit: just saw your above post. I too write to "cleanse". I've restarted so many times but at the moment Im on the 17th chapter of what will be a 23 or 24 chapter novel. The furthest by far I have managed, this time I think Im actually going to finish. I attribute it to being on the road to recovery, I can get more out and keep the story flowing now. Moreso than previously.

Yes @Former-Member, I understand. When my psych first encouraged me to start writing about my trauma, I could get nowhere. I would break down and bawl, shake like a leaf and couldnt breathe. But the more I got it out, the easier it became. I've now been writing for about 18 months I guess. Most of it will never see the light of day. And some stuff I write gets screwed up and burned in case anybody does come across it. A lot of it is angry and almost toxic. But as you say, it is a cleansing experience.

Good on you for persisting. That book will get written eventually. And I agree, being able to express our thoughts on past traumas is definitely a sign of healing.

@Former-Member I empathise with you. I was emotionally and psychologically raped. I gave my trust too. I don't give trust easily and although my instincts told me things were wrong I tried to overlook and help. At the time I had no idea what I was dealing with.

That was a huge mistake. I learnt the hardway it is sometimes better to do right by yourself than to try to help a broken winged bird. Because sometimes that broken wing is merely a ploy to elicit sympathy a ruse to trigger and unmask vulnerability.

Predators know this well. I think it is the fact we give trust to the wrong people that haunts us most. How do we forgive ourselves. Once we can do that, I think the rest follows. Not immediately, but in stages as we work through the rest in the same forgiving manner. I know it was not my "fault" but that doesn't stop my anger at myself. I have learnt a whole new meaning to "forgive yourself" in this process.

I don't think I will ever forgive him, but I can forgive him for being what he is. The delineation may be subtle but for me, at least at this point, it is a crucial one.