@Maggie I'm having that cup of tea with you now, as I look at a clear sky full of stars. Lovely it is. We are meant to get some very warm weather later in the week, likely over 30C by Friday. Thats too hot soo soon as far as I'm concerned.
@Faith-and-Hope The flowers are beautiful ... thank you. But unfortunately what you say about (allowing) others to like me .. that cannot be ... there is really nothing to like about me. Not one thing! I dont think I even deserve to be liked.
@Zoe7 I know tonight is not easy for you after a difficult after school session re FV. You did well getting through all that. So thank you for still taking time to reply to me earlier tonight. Much appreciated. Yeah ... my methods of self soothing .. definitely not ideal. You can add drinking to the list .. another baddie. And stupid me, I know better. Yes I do know my general patterns, but still dont seem able to stop them. I see my psych on Thursday morning. Some of this stuff, I'm not sure I can talk to her about, although I know I should. When I took hubby to his GP appointment last Thursday, I was in the waiting room and saw my own GP there. Hubby and I see different Drs at the same practice. Anyway he must have just come back from a break, as he called me into his office for a quick chat. He just asked if I was okay, and reminded me I could come and see him any time. I'm not sure why he did that, and it rattled me a bit. Mostly when I see him, while waiting with or for hubby, he just says hello in passing.
@Gazza75 A hard time, yes I suppose so. But life has been incredibly hard for me over the last 2 years. With one thing or another. Everything just keeps building up it seems. And then just as it seems I'm finally starting to get things under control again, it only takes the smallest thing to completely bring me undone again. Sorry to hear you were sick on Sunday. I hope you are fully recovered now?
@Molliex You seem to be finding your way around the forums very well. Thank you so much ... firstly for visiting here, and secondly for your kind and thoughtful words. The calming vibes are appreciated too.
@BlueBay So proud of you lately my friend. And so happy knowing you finally have a very caring and proficient support crew around you at last. That will make all the difference to your recovery. It may seem inconsequential, but a dietician and an exercise physiologist working in your overall team sounds like a great improvement. Well done. Thank you for your kind thoughts and hugs. They are much appreciated right now. And yes ... I always enjoy reading and responding to your posts too.
@Shaz51 Ohhh I do so love meerkat group hugs. I dont feel strong though Shaz. In fact, I feel very broken. Perhaps irretrievably so. I know I'm never going to be normal, I know I'll always struggle just to survive. And knowing that seems like a life sentence to me right now. I feel angry and resentful. To whom? Mainly the man who assaulted me all those years ago. I cannot forgive him for what he did to me, what he took from me. Hubby quizzed me a couple of nights ago about it .. again. I dont want to talk about it. It still hurts, and I dont think he understands that. It brings up too many memories, fears and pain. No ... I'm not strong at all Shaz ... I'm weak. Hubby as much told me so the other day. He said "how could you allow him to do that?" Why doesnt he understand that I didnt 'allow him'? He attacked me, I was injured, stunned, could not fight any more. He doesnt understand. I think he blames me. Now ... I dont understand.
@Former-Member You are so kind .. thank you. I really dont deserve all this apparent understanding. But I am happy indeed that I may, in some roundabout sort of way, helped someone else to know they arent alone. It did help me knowing that you too pig out on things like a full tub of icecream. I dont tend to go for salty stuff, mainly sweet. But you're right .. if you have high BP, then the salt is definitely harmful. Yes its hard having lost Mum so recently. The past few days have been difficult in that respect too. So many times I absent mindedly remind myself that I havent called mum yet today. I had been calling her at least once every day while she was so sick. And even when she was well in previous years, I still rang and spoke to her most days. So I've been thinking I have to call mum, only then remembering that she died. And thats even after talking to my Dad every day, which I've been doing ... makes no difference. I miss my Mum. I should have done more, I wish I had been able to spend more time with her before she died. I feel guilty for not having been able to be there. Thats hard. Dad's not doing well either. It was the anniversary of my little niece's death less than a fortnight ago. My brother has been suffering more again too. Likely now that all the immediate stress of Mums death and funeral arrangements etc is all over, he is falling into a bit of a heap too. The loss of his little daughter in a car accident was 4 years ago now. And then he lost his baby daughter back in April this year. Its been really tough for him and his wife. I've been fielding some extra phone calls from him lately, and I'm finding that difficult to cope with right now. I need to be strong, but I'm falling apart. Hubby too has been worse again this past week. Looking forward to seeing his psychiatrist, neurologist and endocrinologist over the next few weeks. Hoping to iron out a few issues and get him back on track. I dont like that the auto immune encephalitis seems to be festering again. Yes EOR, I will try to hang in for now ... too many people need me right now. Self care ... thats a tough one. I will try. Thank you for being so understanding.
My dear Pea @Bunniekins ... Yes I will bring up some of these issues with my psych whom I have an appointment with on Thursday. I am overdue to see my GP. I need a skin cancer check as I have a couple of spots I need looked at. One when I had the BCC removed from under my eye last year they said was also another BCC and to not leave it. If its like the last one, its one of the infiltrating type, which do spread. But that was at a different skin cancer clinic. This time I will get my regular GP to check, or else refer me to a dermatologist. See what he thinks. Oh goodness, my teeth are far from perfect Greenpea. The top teeth are pretty good, but my bottom teeth are very crowded and a little crooked. But you make a good point .. so next time I go to the dentist (not due for another year) I will talk about one of the tooth guard thingys. Could be a good investment, and thus worth the initial outlay. Yes Pea, I know you're around most nights, in the wee small hours. I often check in and read, but dont always get involved. But it is a better distraction than clock watching and making number patterns out of digital clock numbers! Thank you my friend ... love ya.
@Owlunar You're right, it was hard to write that post. I am actually deeply ashamed at some of these so-called coping mechanisms I resort to. As I just mentioned to Greenpea, I wil definitely talk to my dentist when I see her next, about getting a bite plate thing. Could be worth doing. I guess this anxiety thing will be with me for life. Good to hear that you had a good flight and arrived safely at your destination. I like Downton Abbey btw ... always watched it when it was on TV. Your room overlooking the Coral sea sounds delightful. Enjoy your time there. And .... you have said something helpful ... and I very much appreciate it. Thank you.
Okay getting through all that has got me exhausted. Maybe a good thing. Will soon find out. Good night everyone.
Sherry 💕💤
I understand that knowing of our patterns but also not being able to stop them - it is incredibly hard when you are feeling so low to even consider what is best for us. I am glad you are seeing your psych this week - you have so much going on and need that outlet to talk and work through things. I also know it is hard to open up when you feel yourself shutting down - that is often the hardest time to talk but the time you need to the most ...very much a difficult position to be in. Sitting with you Hon 
