Still broken, still safe.

I don't know what to do. I'm suicidal around the clock with random good times when I get a break and it seems that all is well. I can't find help anywhere. There is an array of supposed helpful places and numbers to call, but nothing that helps me develop in a connected way with people in the real world. I'd love to meet with people such as are here, and all help each other just by being supportive while we get to know each other. Talk about problems when we need to, and just talk about anything at others. Develop it into a real world friendship group. There's plenty of things out there but nothing that actually helps. I guess I can't be helped. The people I trusted simply couldn't be trusted. None in the real world.

Some might suggest seeing a psychologist or another psychiatrist, and I may, but it won't help. It's would be like having an operation on an operation which has already been done to inflict greatest damage, without recourse for correction. My ex-psychiatrist left no room for recovery. They look at me and I see them thinking—'can't help, won't help', and I just give them more money for no service. My current GP has adjusted his responses to me in line with the psychiatrist's report, not the person sitting in front of him. He is playing being kindly, but it's not real. If he wanted to help me he would offer to do so instead of letting me fumble along. He knows the resources I could connect to and I'm sick of going around in circles trying to find out for myself.

I made my Will two years ago, wrote my good-bye letters, got everything in order and constantly update them. Each time I prepare to die, I reach out for help, am helped, and limp on a little longer, time after time. There's always something I'd like to watch on television in a couple of days, wait for the replacement cushion for my new sofa which is taking 16 weeks, will I get my eyes tested or won't I be around to collect my new glasses? Or how to go about it.

I don't want to die but my life is less than existence. It's hell. Everyone is just waiting for me to die. I don't want to be saved but don't know how to be sure of it. Why aren't there ways for me to function in this world which are compatible with meaningful life? I think a drop-in centre might be helpful? I'm just so tired of searching.

I don't know what I want from my fellow forumites, just respond in some way, please. Sending best wishes to everyone and hoping all are well and doing alright.

I hope I haven't spoiled anyone's day. This is my problem, not yours. I just need to know there are people who understand and actually give a damn.

Still safe.