Still broken, still safe.

Hey there @Historylover

It’s not easy to open up about the experience of such persistent distress and the intense feelings that can come with that.

I acknowledge your pain and also hear your desire in wanting a meaningful life through genuine connections and ways that are helpful in your personal recovery.

You mentioned a drop in centre maybe being helpful…. Having some of my own experience in the suicide prevention space I just wondered if you have ever heard of alternative to suicide peer groups or spaces?
There has been a lot of funding dedicated to these areas over the last couple of years & I have seen many people finding the non-clinical perspective & approach empowering for them. These a dedicated spaces for the purpose of being able to connect with others with a lived experience of similar states to what you are describing.

I know you can’t disclose personal details here but I can offer this one support group which is Australia-wide through zoom - so you can access it online.

https://alt2su-nsw.net/support-groups/

Speaking up about this is so important and I really honour the courage in doing that. If this resource doesn’t sound like something you're into, then let it pass on by, like a leaf blowing in the wind - but I just wanted to offer it in case it might be something of interest - or there are these services more local to your area that you just may not know of.

With you & hearing you 💜

Flybluebird

@Gwynn Thank you for your response. I've tried that too. U3A, bowls...until I resorted to online learning. Isolation and study is fine for a while, but not for ever. We all need connection, human interaction in the real world.

But my ex-psychiatrist only revoked his offer of friendship when he ensured that I have none of the pre-requisites for fitting in with others in the real world, such as family, friends, a home, a car, any wealth to speak of because of his bad financial advice, a career history, a personal history that is other than the years I shared in his 'care', after he ensured he was my only attachment as he systematically isolated me. He has really set me up for failure. I really have tried everything trying to ensure he won't win, but he spent years setting this situation up and he's the mastermind. Whatever I try fails for those reasons. I just don't fit in. I can't find a way forward. What on earth can I do? Who will be a friend to someone who has none? Others who also have none, right? I have looked on Meetup and would willingly help the downtrodden and homeless, but you need a reference for everything these days and I don't have anyone to ask. I'm stymied at every turn. I'm alive but feel like the living dead. It's insufferable.

Dear @Former-Member, I went immediately to the site you mentioned as a meeting was in motion. I joined it, and it was just what I was looking for in face-to-face, human contact meetings, but in the absence of these it was fabulous. Great people and the opportunity to speak and listen to others without risk of intervention was priceless. Thank you so much for the link. Whether it helps me in the longer term, who knows? For now, one foot after the other.

Thank you @Former-Member. ❤️😊

Good idea re the GP reference @Gwynn., but only if it's written. If they have to ring he's likely to give me a negative promotion in line with his inaction to help me himself. But it's worth a try I hope he won't say that he hasn't known me long enough. Thank you so much.

Oh - I am so moved 💛 to hear that it was a space that you connected in with (straight away too - love you're bravery) & have available to you moving forward
yes... @Historylover step by step 👣 ❤️

@Historylover Firstly I'm glad you're safe, and I want you to know that I understand you and would like to offer this small amount of support, whether it's helpful or not.
It really sounds like you have been let down completely by the medical and psychiatric systems that are meant to help people, and actually that you have been subject to severe malpractice by your previous psychiatrist.
It sound to me that maybe one of the first steps is to find a new GP who is more sympathetic to mental health - I do understand that it is a really hard step to take and sometimes we don't really have a choice of who our GP is depending on where we live and what is available to us - but GP's tend to have bios written about them which will tell you if they are interested in mental health, you could even start with a relatively fresh slate some GP's are just so terrible with mental health and do more harm than good - and you deserve someone good.
I also think that your thought of volunteering is fantastic, it is a great way to socialise and do good, with somewhat less pressure than a paying job, and many organisations are more than happy to take onboard people with mental illnesses and disabilities - and I completely understand the barrier the the 'reference' section poses, i truly have the same issue - you can always leave it blank ''references available on request'' and they rarely ask for them, and then you can also ask for a reference letter from your GP as mentioned, an online friend, even a neighbour you might speak to sometimes or whoever in case they do ask. Really the thing that volunteer organisations are more worried about are police checks (which you get a discount for or many organisations pay for them) and if you did have a police history then you would probably also have a parole officer who could give you a reference.
there's also another option for socialising, sometimes on employment websites you can find volunteer type jobs just for families who need someone to sit and talk with their grandparents, there are also programs for conversational English with refugees and immigrants, and the NDIS runs a program where you can volunteer to go on walks with people with disabilities if you are able. You can look on your council website for sports programs for all levels of capabilities, book-clubs, events etc. that are potentially another avenue.
Honestly, I don't know how to make friends either, and I'm not big on socialising, so I want you to know that you are not alone and you don't have to feel like you are, and even though the barriers seem insurmountable sometimes you just need to apply and see what happens.

I don't know what to say @Campbarry. You have gone to so much trouble to inspire me and I thank you sincerely. I've tried so many things over the years and I'm just so tired and tired of everything. I was feeling so good and hopeful just such a short time ago, feeling that I finally had found people who wouldn't intervene when we speak our mind. (I don't know how they can do that actually, everyone else has to report it). But the elation didn't last long and the thought of having to wait until tomorrow night for the next meeting is so very long away. And that will be with different people and it all starts over again.

The GP who is currently pretending to care told me to send my daughter a birthday wish and a follow up letter. I had told him it was her birthday. I sent them when I knew it would give them all a renewed filip to continue for many years more, having appraised my situation in my writing. I wish I hadn't written but it doesn't matter. I had nothing to lose. Too many people have influenced my daughters and keep them where they are. I can't save our relationships. And without them, I have no purpose in life. I'm really broken.

Yes, his was serious and criminal malpractice, yet he is answerable to no-one. It was planned and methodically implemented. And the two I have seen twice each since played along with his game. I didn't see it coming. What a monster.

The injustice of this, in itself, is enough to break anyone's spirit. I just don't want to live anymore. What is the point? I'm dead but I won't lie down. Why are people allowed to get away with this? Still safe.