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Stuffing my life up!?

Getting2Contributor29 Sept 2016, 11:25 pm AEST

Stuffing my life up!?

Hi.

Just feel so ridiculous and so tired today. I'm not working (about 5 years now - I'm in my 50's) because of Chronic pain, Depression etc.

My wife had been away for 2 full days + 2 half days - felt free to enjoy myself (first time everrr) - used less antidepressants - she returns and then her stress stories from work and social connections rush in (things were OK for the first couple of hours) and I become grumpy, irratable, rude, distant, slowed down, tired, talk less and DEpressed. Back on the meds (and extras if needed and sneaking a drink!). The thing is I have a beautiful, patient, longsuffering, understanding wife - family all around don't see that I have a mental illness but she believes me - she says "I live with you, so I know you have probs" - in a nice way of course! I am on antidepressants/anxiety meds, various pain killers and sleeping tablets.

I keep speaking to my wife so poorly (I'm not showing her care and love - and many times I don't care about her and her feelings) yet she tries so hard to be upbeat and trys to plan to do nice things together, I've turned into such a fun killer I keep thinking I'll end up destroying over 25 years of marriage and sometimes I don't care if it ends (intimacy also went out the window months ago - I'm so frustrated that my wife won't even try to make that happen - she seems almost blissful that my labido is gone) - but I know ending the marriage would destroy me, but she and kids would go on. To me, a lot, it doesn't seem like a marriage anymore - just two people sharing a house - what's the point?

I'm so confused, I'm so tired of it all especially the "ups and downs" of meds, trying new meds - when will it end? - will I ever be able to return to some sort of work?, will our marriage end?, will the kids hate me? (whom i dearly love), dealing with my income protection insurer, I feel like the hole I'm in is getting deeper and the ladder to get out is getting shorter by the day! - and it's ME digging the hole deeper and it's ME cutting the legs off the ladder!! I'm not suicidal but if death happened accidently/suddenly I wouldn't be unhappy. So sick of all this............the only distraction when I can "forget" and "get lost in the moment" is tinkering outside in the backyard or watching a movie.

CYA, better go - my post is becoming a novel, Getting2.

14 replies

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In response to: Stuffing my life up!?

PeppiPattySenior Contributor14 Oct 2016, 3:38 am AEDT

Re: Stuffing my life up!?

Dear @Getting2

Thank you for this email. I'm thinking about you. Hope that we can write soon.

It's okay to hide at home...... it's just about maybe ...setting a date about emerging out one day.

Take care PP

In response to: Re: Stuffing my life up!?

Getting2Contributor15 Nov 2016, 10:34 am AEDT

Where is this going?

Hi,

Not sure why I'm writing/rambling...........having a funny, moody, slow day??...........chronic pain yesterday - but pain very low so far today (fingers crossed). Tinnutis driving me "crazy" - no one seems to have an answer for it - continuous noise, like a radio off channel or sometimes a forest full of cicadas!! Hearing aids don't remove it - the noise is always there in the background and super loud at "bedtime". Sailing "close to the wind" with house payments...........sexless marriage and don't sleep in the same bed..........no money........do others have this happen?

Read some of the other posts today - sad posts of divorce, separation from kids, almost homeless.

Psychologist still changing my meds around (I take meds to make me sleep at night and antidepessants that make me sleepy thruout day and now new meds to "wake me up").

I had tests to discover whether I had BPD. It showed I did not however my psych is trying treat me as if I do - as that is what he thinks he sees (BPD). Apparently BPD is very hard to live with...................

I can't work, I do 1 hour of volunteering per week (trying to get out of the house) and its' often exhausting.

All I seem able to do is just a little shopping and cooking. The house is a mess. I enjoy "tinkering" with stuff at home but I know it is so very self indulgent - I did the stuffing up of my family with my condition and now I get a "paid" continuous "holiday" (not my wife who copped the brunt - emotional and mental - of my condition). Surely she deserves a do nothing holiday? But there's no way we can afford that. Where are you God!!??

I often feel like nothing more than a child in his "cubby house". And then mummy comes home (exhausted) we eat, watch TV, she kisses me goodnight, then she goes to bed early. Do others feel like this? Because our income is low, and I can't work, it often really scares me what will happen if we lose the "cubby house" - separation?, divorce?, homlessness?, no money for meds or professinal help? (and I become more distressed/mentally challenged?), ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - frustrated!!!!!!!!!

I often think that I'll end up like some in the sad posts I noted about above.............is this where I'm going?

Getting2

In response to: Where is this going?

Getting2Contributor25 Nov 2016, 6:59 am AEDT

Re: Where is this going?

Dissappointed there's been no reply to my long post above - unless I am missing something!!??

Anyway I have noticed of late that worries during the day/evening have lessened after a nights sleep - I never wake refreshed from sleep however, it always seems the same - things look better in the morning.

Getting2

In response to: Re: Where is this going?

SaharaSenior Contributor25 Nov 2016, 7:33 am AEDT

Re: Where is this going?

Hi @Getting2,

I just read most of this discussion and I thought I'd drop in and say hello. Sometimes posts get missed and no-one replies... it can happen, so please don't take it personally.

It sounds like you are really questioning your marriage and the course it's taking... It seems to me that you have a lot of mixed emotions. On one hand you say you wife is very caring and loving and supportive and then on the other hand you say that you don't consider her feelings very much at all?

I'm wondering if doing some couples' counselling could help you two to get back some of the emotional intimacy that you are missing?

I hope everything has worked out with your income insurance and that you don't have that to worry about anymore.

And as for doing your 'tinkering' in the back yard... I say, go for it! It seems like it's something you enjoy and you have the time and energy for it, so why not enjoy it? Why do you think it is 'self-indulgent' to do something you enjoy?

I wonder do you also do some housework and cooking to help out your wife who sounds exhausted? it might help you two to reconnnect.

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