Stuffing my life up!?

Hi.

Just feel so ridiculous and so tired today. I'm not working (about 5 years now - I'm in my 50's) because of Chronic pain, Depression etc.

My wife had been away for 2 full days + 2 half days - felt free to enjoy myself (first time everrr) - used less antidepressants - she returns and then her stress stories from work and social connections rush in (things were OK for the first couple of hours) and I become grumpy, irratable, rude, distant, slowed down, tired, talk less and DEpressed. Back on the meds (and extras if needed and sneaking a drink!). The thing is I have a beautiful, patient, longsuffering, understanding wife - family all around don't see that I have a mental illness but she believes me - she says "I live with you, so I know you have probs" - in a nice way of course! I am on antidepressants/anxiety meds, various pain killers and sleeping tablets.

I keep speaking to my wife so poorly (I'm not showing her care and love - and many times I don't care about her and her feelings) yet she tries so hard to be upbeat and trys to plan to do nice things together, I've turned into such a fun killer I keep thinking I'll end up destroying over 25 years of marriage and sometimes I don't care if it ends (intimacy also went out the window months ago - I'm so frustrated that my wife won't even try to make that happen - she seems almost blissful that my labido is gone) - but I know ending the marriage would destroy me, but she and kids would go on. To me, a lot, it doesn't seem like a marriage anymore - just two people sharing a house - what's the point?

I'm so confused, I'm so tired of it all especially the "ups and downs" of meds, trying new meds - when will it end? - will I ever be able to return to some sort of work?, will our marriage end?, will the kids hate me? (whom i dearly love), dealing with my income protection insurer, I feel like the hole I'm in is getting deeper and the ladder to get out is getting shorter by the day! - and it's ME digging the hole deeper and it's ME cutting the legs off the ladder!! I'm not suicidal but if death happened accidently/suddenly I wouldn't be unhappy. So sick of all this............the only distraction when I can "forget" and "get lost in the moment" is tinkering outside in the backyard or watching a movie.

CYA, better go - my post is becoming a novel, Getting2.