'Covering' Do you do it?

@Former-Member and I hope others can help me out too.

I told my CEO the other day. He asked why I was ill the other day so I told him the truth. It went well but I'm frustrated. I spent a fair bit of time explaining that this really isn't a problem and I don't need support. I just told him because I couldn't be bothered lying and I want to be truthful.

I'm frustrated because the conversation is still so basic. Sane linked to a huffpo article stating that we aren't comfortable with talking about mental illness - we do R U ok day but can't handle anything than a yes answer. I don't think it's quite that bad but it's close. I'm frustrated because whenever I talk about it with people they are stuck in this mode of mental illness = end of the earth bad*. I end up going through the basic, yes I'm ok, it's under control blah blah blah. It's like explaining something to a toddler. Can we push the discussion along a bit please?

The other day I was with a colleague I'm pretty close to blowing off a little bit of steam because the weather has knocked my mood around a bit; nothing major. Jesus f*cking Christ lady I'm just annoyed it's not a drama. I wish I never said anything. This is what I live with and I think it's pretty normal. For me being a bit downe is like a persistent headache or a tweaked hamstring. I like my minor mood variations on the whole. She totally isn't ready for me to talk about some of the funny stuff I've done. She just wouldn't get it.

I want to push the discussion along. I want to move it to a more complex discussion. I want to talk about my mood. I think it's one of the most interesting aspects of who I am. How it changes so much and how it changes my perspective. How it adds so much colour to my world. How my diagnosis has had such an impact on my personality. I'm totally over talking about the basics.

But people aren't ready for that. I am stuck explaining that I'm ok, I'm healthy, I don't need help, I just want to be me and I want to be honest. It's not discrimination and it's good that people care. There has been change but I want more. To me hiding this is like being in the closet. I accept that this isn't a common view but for me I am an open person (and it's totally fine in my book to not want to be - it's a very personal choice and I hope I haven't offended anyone). I'm frustrated.

I want a deeper level of acceptance of me. Am I doing the right thing? How can I do this better (any good analogies)? Does anyone else feel the same way? My gay friend at work told me to split the world in two: 1. The ones you need to talk seriously to (one's you hand hold) and 2. the ones you only need not to be hiding it from (let them figure it out). Is this right? In my mind change comes from a greater contribution by people.

*What's worse is that my own position is very complex. I'm incredibly luck that not only medication incredibly effective, it has very few costs outside of $38 every month. I'm left with being able to say I like my diagnosis now, it forms part of my personality full well knowing that this wouldn't be my attitude if medication didn't work. I sometimes feel a little guilty because not everyone has an effective treatment strategy. It's complex and very difficult to explain to a lay person. I don't want to confuse them - a lot of people need help.

hello @Kurra

yes i havent read a lot of your threads. i think you were about in my early chaotic beginnings on here where much has been buried in a fog.

i think that you are very astute and attuned to yourself and look forward to reading more of your thoughts.

I have met some wonderful people on here and I have read so many others say that.

stay safe and love yourself (this is new) xxx

hello @Former-Member

Being let down by the medical world seems like the last straw. I have been through that experience so many times I have lost count.

It is them though who are not good at their job. Just as if you worked somewhere there were those who were also not good at their job, took shortcuts, bad attitude etc.

You do not give up because they have.

Depression and anxiety are my travelling baggage. They can be relentless. If you are at the stage where you feel that you have done all that you can and dont have any energy left. Get on that telephone and ring lifeline, or sane tomorrow.

Make a plan for today, something very simple , a treat not expensive. Read, watch a funny dvd, go for a little walk. Do you have pets? have a long conversation with your pet. I have.

I love music. I put youtube on the computer on and dance and dance and cry and dance. Walk around the garden, look at any flowers, plants, trees, any animals outside nearby? any parks nearby? focus on nature. it is constant, it will not hurt you or abandon you.

Make your plan tomorrow, another phone call sane 1800187263. ask them for phone numbers that you can ring as well as lifeline. Sorry none come to mind at this minute. Just keep talking to your animals, other people on the phone until someone gives you a direction to get the help you deserve.

Ring up the doctor surgery and tell them that you want to see someone else is there anyone at that surgery who has had some training in mental health and is compassionate.

keep writing on here.

we have not given up on youl

Thanks mohill

Got distressed reading your post.Thanks for your thoughts.Im not going back to that surgery.That doctor gave me the form to have a blood test but I have ripped it up,not going back to a doctor like that,had a few of them before who I look back on and wonder why I stayed with them when they are judgemental.She was one who basically told me in so many words to "suck it up",I bloody wish it was that simple.

I am worried at the moment because I have to go to job provider this week.At the moment I am not myself,I have no tolerance with myself let alone anyone else or useless crap I basically can't handle the pressure of.Worried I'm going to blow my fuse because of my severe hopelessness and depression.I feel so humiliated when I'm in there,two weeks ago I didn't have a good experience there.Also worried because of the severe SC plans I have had in my head the past week because I think I'm going to lose benefits because of my behavior.I don't know what I'm going to do,my elderly mother was in my way this morning,I get that agitated,I got distressed.All the help I got and I am no better,only worse with more traumatic experiences to go with what I had in the first place.I go walking,but can hardly walk I stop with anxiety and thoughts of hopelessness.As I have said, my cats are the only things that keep me alive, but the thoughts I'm having lately is that I will be forced to leave them.I hope I get through this week not getting stressed.

hello @Former-Member

I am so sorry that you felt distressed reading my post? Do you mean the last one about ringing sane or lifeline?

Sane helpline is a good start. They are very compassionate and understanding. I have telephoned them twice now I think. They can also direct you where to get more help because they know the state that you live in.

Lifeline is more, if you dont have the energy to do anything, just the need for someone to listen.

Centrelink disability payments is that the payment you are on? or normal payment? do have a telephone service who might advise that you can complete your form on line.

Aside from those, if you are feeling so low and dont have the energy to deal with anything. keep on writing on here. We are listening. Even if you dont get a response straight away, a moderator or someone else will be along soon.

It is a horrible feeling being let down by the medical world. I talk about the fact in my therapy. My psychiatrist is horrified at the number of people who have let me down.

Not expecting too much from yourself, not labelling or judging yourself are so important at this time.

If you feel worse please ring sane 1800 187263. If you are in danger lifeline.

Emergency, police & ambulance
000 (24 Hrs)

Lifeline telephone counselling
13 11 14 (24 Hrs)

Suicide Call Back Service
1300 659 467 (24 Hrs)

we are here with you

hello @mrkotter

you have made a very good point in the fact that this site in itself is a form of social media.

I had not looked at it in that way. Thankyou.

I am baby boomer generation, use computers, mobile for answering, making calls, text messages when necessary, would much prefer to talk to the person.

I do believe that for your generation, the intelligent use it well interconnecting within that age group yes.

I do however see far too many in the company of one another, not looking at each other, looking at their individual electronic devices. In cafes, walking through botanic gardens, animal parks, restaurants. all places where there should be personal interaction.

So perhaps I will agree to disagree on part of your opinion,

I do like this thread though.

Hello @mrkotter @Kurra @utopia

One other point I meant to mention earlier in the thread is that many of us who suffer symptoms of mental illness are very ready to discuss openly our experiences.

When I have experimented with this generalising, the reactions are mostly the same. People go in to a discomfort zone. They do not know how to respond. They almost have the fight/flight reaction.

My own family tell me "try not to worry." The issue with my missing son," dont think about it, it will only make you feel worse, you have to look after yourself now." They dont bring the subject up at all now.

So not only am I not to discuss how I am feeling, or display any signs, I must also bury the feelings that I am experiencing in relation to my son. I look at my family, just mum and sister who are not coping in the least, they are becoming cynical and bitter because they bury, not express their emotions.

So whilst we are ready, are you ok day is just that the question is asked. all that is required is yes thank you for asking. no more. to me the day is a complete waste of time. I actually find it insulting when someone comes up to me, who doesnt normally converse with me that often and paraphrases that question. Emails are received. It is another form of corporate ticking a box in their "wellness" policy.

Yes I am cynical because they have burnt me.

I hope that more people are able to reach out, explain and continue to be treated with respect,no differently. It is going to take a long time, stigma is the same as racism. multiculturalism is supposed to have alleviated that. I still here upstanding, successful, highly educated people passing racist comments.

Those of us who suffer mental health symptoms or who know someone or others in their life can make the first steps if the environment that they are in is safe to do so.