Complex?

Hi @Molly22

I’m so sorry about your experiences and I hope you have found at least an acquaintance where you are now. I find it hard to trust people, I’m always suspicion of motives and have a tendency for paranoia when I’m unwell, I’ve been told. I’m also on the autism spectrum so I don’t know how much that impacts what I want to say and what others understand. I often think that people just don’t get it, but then they only know what I choose to tell in that moment and not everything else and that doesn’t help, but it also doesn’t help if I try the ‘everything else’ in that moment because that upsets me even more. I’m grateful for the support systems we have here, not enough for when I’m unwell but we have them. I didn’t have any support in other times and places so I try to be grateful that we even have a health system, but sometimes that hasn’t been enough, maybe because I don’t trust people and see the worst in them.

i really hope that you will have a good year. It’s so hard when things are hard.

Hi @Former-Member

thank you for your message of support. My safe spaces would just be a couple of places that I was familiar with, where I knew someone and felt safe, like a hospital or a safe space, somewhere where I could just be, sit it out and just know there was someone there without having to try to explain what was going on unless I wanted to. For me it was really important to have those spaces. A physical place where I wouldn’t be judged. I created them in my mind and they were physical places, because my safe spaces in my head hadn’t turned out well before. Now I’m a long way away, I don’t know and everything is new around me and I wouldn’t even know where the nearest shop is. And then I leave again. I find that hard. I don’t feel settled in my head and structure has helped me cope and that structure is gone. I don’t want to go back into my ‘safe spaces’ in my head because they just make everything around me and myself feel so unreal. I’m safe at the moment but I wouldn’t know who to reach out to, when I see signs how far the next ambulance is away (not even hospital) I just wonder what they’d do with me if I’m unwell. It’s just a weird place to be in after I tried to make it clear to my head what to do in the real world if the unreal feels right. I don’t know if that makes sense, I just know how safe I feel in my unreal places but then the real doesn’t feel real?

Hey @petrichor

I think we have spoken online here before a while ago. Your name is familiar but I dont recall details.

I experienced homelessness as a minor a few times, and have been upset recently by the way homeless have been treated ... move them on ... as out of sight out of mind.

I can relate to a lot of changes and feeling unsafe about getting to know new places and new people.

I have a lot of gratitude too, but also am learning that it is often those with least who feel that the most.

Yeah life is complex.

I once felt safe sitting in an ED, then a guy came in covered in blood, which really shook me, then I felt safe again, cos it was like with my brother and I loved many memories of him.

Take Care

Apple

@petrichor I totally understand about not trusting people's motives. I am such a natural born people pleasers I find that people tend to take real advantage of me and I end up giving and giving and giving, and since I'm not someone to ever ask for help, it ends up really one sided until I burn out.

I only found out I'm autistic late last year at 55 years of age. Now I question everything in my life leading up to now. I thought I understood how well (or otherwise) I was communicating, but now I don't know. Being diagnosed was a good thing in that explained so much of why I do what I do and why I am like I am, but it also bought up some very questions.

Part of my NDIS funding (most of it actually) is geared towards making me more social and finding and developing friendships. Something I really have no interest in doing in the 'real world'. Its fine online. I can manage that. But in person is a whole different story. I am sure you can relate.

Anyway, hope you are feeling a bit better today. 🤗

Hi @Appleblossom

i think gratefulness can give me perspective. I started writing things down a few years ago even if it was the tiniest thing and it took long to work it out, like I’m grateful I have a chair to sit on. I’ve lost a lot of family and they lost everything, anything I have is a luxury, yes I do beat myself up that I can’t ‘just’ be happy. I think it’s just to stop the pain, the daily battle of keeping my mental health in check. I don’t know if it’s a battle, but I hate a lot of aspects of it even if I know that’s what helps me be here. Anyway…

How are you? Yes we have met here before.

hVe a lovely weekend.

Was feeling a little low, but like you have lost people and trying to be grateful for small things.

@petrichor

Apple Pie ?

@Appleblossom

That really cup is amazing and the apple pie looks yummy! Enjoy 🙂

Just a cheering up self and other pic.

@petrichor

Did you sleep alright?

Hi there @petrichor,

Just checking in to see how you're travelling since and to see whether you've been able to access any local supports to help you through this?

Hi @Former-Member

Thanks for checking in with me, haven’t been online. How are you?

I haven’t reached out to local support services. I just don’t trust people I don’t know. I try to be open about my mental illness & previous attempts but I feel judged and have been told by GP that they can’t see me because they don’t deal with MH. I don’t stay long in places. I have option of Telehealth though, but where I lived before.
I’m doing ok. All I can do is try my best.