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Not knowing which way to turn

Live22Casual Contributor05 Jan 2022, 1:03 pm AEDT

Not knowing which way to turn

Hi,

I'm a newbie here and confused about what to do!

I've been married for well over 20 years and have teenage kids all to which subconsciously realise something is not quite right at home but won't talk about it or acknowledge it.

I only learned about BPD 2 years ago when things reached a whole new level. Since then, I've immersed in gaining knowledge about BPD as well as seeing a psychologist for the past 18months.

My spouse displays most of the hallmarks of BPD but is so closed off in discussing our marriage I can’t even get anywhere near a discussion.

I’ve been treated with anxiety and depression and managed to climb out of that early last year, but about 3 months ago I took the focus off trying to keep a calm home & simply attempted to discipline our kids (a major trigger for my spouse) to which my spouse stepped in yet again and undermined me. This ended where it normally does where I have my kids then defending my spouse and all the blame is now deflected on me.

I didn’t handle this well and expressed to my spouse I feel trapped and didn’t have the will to live anymore. This ended badly for me after my spouse called the police then subsequently turning the kids against me. 3 months on and only focussing on apologising for my actions, this has not been accepted.

Our current situation is that my spouse has asked me to leave. However, I have strong Christian beliefs to which I can’t walkout on our marriage. Since explaining this, my spouse has turned up the heat & threatened to make my life a living hell, which is being played out on my spouses’ behalf.

I’m concerned on which way to turn??

14 replies

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In response to: Not knowing which way to turn

AussieRechargerSenior Contributor07 Jan 2022, 9:57 pm AEDT

Re: Not knowing which way to turn

@Live22 ..

Whoops Sorry... my bad on the gender bit. The Trap is female-focused on supporting domestic violence.

If you are the hubby, my advise is to try the local relationship counsellor as well, and also look after family mediation.

It really does not matter what gender you are.. make sure you have quick access to a recording app on your phone, you are keeping notes and you are also taking time to reflect on decisions and what is really driving the root cause of the decisions.

I am actually curious about what happened when you disciplined the kids, would you mind telling us what happened, what was the response and then how your wife intruded to overrule you?

In response to: Not knowing which way to turn

CarloSenior Contributor08 Jan 2022, 7:24 am AEDT

Re: Not knowing which way to turn

Yes, I'm in the same situation @Live22. She just locks herself away

In response to: Re: Not knowing which way to turn

Live22Casual Contributor08 Jan 2022, 1:36 pm AEDT

Re: Not knowing which way to turn

@AussieRecharger

Thanks for the further advise.

As for discipline, most times I'd be looking for the kids to stick with their family chores, but over time some of them worked out that they would do chores in their own time or not at all. So when it came time for me to reinforce the house rules, often it would be met with push back then when I try to re-reinforce my spouse would jump in a put me down in front of the kids & I had a tendency to walk away as it would get too heated.

This created a pattern where I looked like the weak one and she was the only disciplinarian.

In response to: Not knowing which way to turn

wellwellwellnezSenior Contributor14 Jan 2022, 10:30 pm AEDT

Re: Not knowing which way to turn

@Live22 @Carlo @AussieRecharger @Owen45 @Appleblossom

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the questions of gender status are immensely complex. I was going to "these days" but I think it's more accurate to say they always have been. Come to think of it there's a lot complexity around child/parent status as well.

I think what you describe is something that happen in a variety of religious situations (me going out on a limb again). I'm reminded of a Yogi thing that I read once where the Yogi talked a lot about how because people change the key to maintaining meaningful relationships is common values.

Or maybe I should say "axioms". I was learning about axioms the other day. An axis is where you stand and what you believe. An axiom is who is standing there and why you believe. So that makes me think that our axis is how we "ally" with others and our axiom is how we "relate" with others.

We've all got our own axioms but they're still based on the same core fundamental elements of existence. So everyone's axiom is going to have some degree of difference and similarity. But we're better when we're honest and true to our axioms either way, especially the parts we share with our others.

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