A messy life history

I'd like to go into a super long diatribe about my life in general. Just to let everyone know, there will be mentions of suicide and trauma, so please don't read if you're triggered by it or if what you read evokes strong thoughts or emotions.

I was born to dysfunctional parents. Drugs and psychiatric problems is all I'll say about my parents and as a result, I suffered at their hands during my childhood and due to my mother's abusive behaviour when I became an adult. So I had to leave my family situation quite a few years ago. I'm glad I left. I'm glad I disowned most of my family members.

There's only a few people I'll speak to in my family now. I won't visit family members though as I get too many flashbacks and I have a lot of bad memories of infighting within the family. I now have to suffer lifelong psychiatric problems of which I wish on nobody, and I'm blaming both parents for this as my trauma started when I was a child and went on into adulthood. I can't blame people for my own choices of course, but I will blame my parents for the choices they made to hurt me. I still hold a lot of resentment and bitterness towards both parents and now to some of my immediate family because without too many details, said family members want me to put up and tolerate toxicity from other family members while I take it under the chin like a sweet little angel of a woman. Now I'm the biggest btch for sticking up for myself. And I don't really care. Even with my stupid mental health (please don't take offense at this, I'm angry at my own problems), I'm better off without involving family members in my life. Like I said in the beginning, I will only trust a few family members now.

I now have to deal with doctors and psychiatrists who don't take my well-being seriously. Even suicide attempts are taken as a joke because my life means nothing to most people. So why am I being rescued from suicide attempts if people don't like me? Is it because people have to follow the law and keep me alive despite secretly wishing I would die, but they don't want to go to prison for murder? (Strong thoughts, but no active suicide plan, am safe.) I just wonder, if most people are happy to see me stop living but there's only a few decent people who care about me? Some family members went through the same disgraceful shit many years ago and one person committed suicide, the other was rescued from an attempt several times.

I feel so disillusioned by society, the shit that airy-fairy people (not you people on here, of course!) say about how society is supportive and blah blah blah, yet it means no crap to me when people behave differently to what they say. And the stupid media isn't helping to solve the problem either. If you say "I really like you", but show me with your behaviour that you are disrespectful towards me, then I'm going to assume you don't like me whether you say so or not. (Again, not you guys, just people in general, as an example). Anyway, I'm so sick of medical people telling me how much value I am to society while they behave like I shouldn't exist and talk down to me like a dog, yet they turn around and act within the law because if any doctor openly told me the honest truth, they would lose their jobs. Ambulance and police are the bloody same. When I tell emergency people that they just don't want to lose their jobs, they use angry tones at me. Yet I never get a truthful answer because most of these people know they don't actually care about my life and just don't want to go to jail. Yes, the truth hurts, doesn't it? I'm sorry, but I'm sick of bottling up my thoughts and feelings, so I not only write privately, I write on here in a way that hopefully most people are able to read it without feeling that I'm being too personal. This isn't my intention. I keep overly personal stuff to myself and only write on here what I'm comfortable to share. So I'm sorry if this comes across as overly personal for some people, I don't mean it that way.

Ok, back to my lifelong mental health problems: I suffered from physical and emotional abuse as a kid and I also got neglected a lot. I had to learn how to fend for myself. I learned not to trust medical professionals. In recent years I learned to distrust the police (too many personal reasons so I won't discuss), but I learnt to distrust them so now I don't consider the police force an emergency contact. I just don't believe in their existence and I don't believe in their cause. I'm a law unto myself. So long as I know I'm basically good, that's all that matters. I don't need a legal system or a police force to rule over me. I can defend myself. I don't need someone else (besides my support network), to rescue me and so-called help me. I've put up with people who think they know what's best for me (not a persanal attack on you guys, again just generally speaking), for long enough, and it's time I start taking matters into my own hands and telling medical people if they don't start doing their jobs properly, I'll do their jobs for them and it won't end well. I don't like fighting with people, but when I don't get listened to for long enough, this is what I resort to, until someone decent enough and kind enough who actually cares, will finally bloody listen! It has taken long enough for me so far, to find a good support network. Now how much bloody longer will it take to find a good medical program for my mental health treatments? And this is all because I was born into a horrible family situation that I can't even fricking fix. My mother was the cause of all my childhood issues too. Once again, too much personal stuff to do with my mother, and Dad was abusive on top of that. No offense, but I feel like an unwanted child who only got basic care so that my parents wouldn't go to prison. I honestly wish they had gone there and that way I wouldn't have had to put up with them for so long. Now I have to live in a society which only cares about me by law, not by compassion. For example, most people who say they care, don't want to openly tell me how much I don't belong on this earth because everybody knows you just don't say this to anyone. You (as in people generally) just have to be hoity-toity and scare me straight and force me to hold values I don't even believe in, just in case some sky fairy judges me soon. Yep, what a laugh! I hate it when people deliberately deceive me and then act all butt-hurt when I tell them (health pros, ambulance, police, etc) what they don't want to hear. Well then, bloody be honest and I won't have to be so blunt. If someone doesn't like me, then I'd rather hear it then some wishy-washy anti-suicide, legal airy-fairy bullshit nutjob statement. (Again, not intended to offend anyone on here personally). I'm going to let my GP know this and if I'm hospitalised over it I need to be kept in for more than 72 hours because I need a real medical program, not just some bullcrap "Go home and fix your problems". If I could fix my problems, I may not be asking for answers. So I guess I'm hearing: "I don't think you belong in the community or should be a part of society, but I don't want to lose my job (paramedic, GP, psychiatrist, hospital security etc,) so I'll lie to you instead and pretend I mean everything I say because secretly I hate you". This is what I'm hearing from most pros at the moment. I hope a social worker can convince me differently tomorrow, I hope my current GP can prove me wrong as well. Otherwise the sht is going down big time.

I also have difficulty accepting so many other problems which I won't delve in to here. I haven't had one single psychiatric professional convince me successfully to accept these problems as past issues and move on. I'm too hurt to do that. And nobody can console me. The only consolation is medication, and so far nobody wants to adjust anything because I supposedly need to function in the community. So what? It's ok to let me be less functional because of severe depression and other issues rather than risk medicating me to make me feel better even if I do get less functional as a result? The medical system is a fricking joke! And to be honest, my mother and father didn't get much support either. No wonder they grew up to have dysfunctional lives and then had a disfunctional family! Now I totally understand why so many people go off the deep end. I have respect for some individuals now, but the rest of society can go to hell in a handbasket as far as I'm concerned.