STRUGGLING

How are you @Arieschic86 ?

Hi @BPDSurvivor

i am going ok I guess

I have been struggling with the fear based thinking and also the distorted catastrophising

I completely do not like it at all

i wake up feeling like I'm shell shocked everyday and have to try and calm myself down

whilst I am living with my parents I can function. 100% but I am petrified of being alonw

i don't have my licence as I fear driving in case I disassociate and cause harm to others

i cannot stop thinking that if I lose my parents that it will be it for me because when I feel unsafe now I actually start to get the fearful and terrified feeling inside of mw

My body shakes

I am on medication but that I guess only does so muxh

i try to ignore my brain but it comes back and bites me on the bottom

i pray to god but then I lose sight of God because I start to disconnect

I am a weird BPD

i actually cannot remember very little about my childhood and the trauma

the things that I do remember are not what scares me

i was moved around 22 times by the time I was 20
i had sexual trauma happen to me at 5 yea old and also other various points

ive seen my mum in a DV relationship but cannot barely remember it because learnt to disassociate

I was in a relationship with a narcissist and possible BPD person for 10 1/2 years

for some reason it's only been since my separation last year that I started having this immense fear of abandonment and losing loved ones and being alone

im scared and petrified

I constantly start dwelling on getting older and also freaking out about everything

I had to leave my full time job I was in for 6 years earlier in the year because of my mental health

somwthing I done for 6years and then all of a sudden I get these fears

So everything triggers me

I was having major panic attacks earlier this year especially seeing older people because I just cannot see myself getting old

I freak because if I want out every time something traumatic or something big changes and I frel unsafe and threatened then how am I supposed to get through this life

how am I supposed to get my son through

I had post natal depression after having my son and was in therapy for 2 years

but I managed to work and do everything else and yet I now have this complete fear of being alone

but also the fear for my sons future
I am scared that I am not capable of loving someone else

I never got to bond properly with my son because I gave birth and got PND straight away and was hospitalised for a month

then I came out and basically just got on with life and worked full time until this year

i supported my ex partner in his business and his band and everything that he wanted including his addiction

Its funny that they say people with BPD are incapable of love yet I have always tried my hardest not to give up but after this relationship breakdown and my fears taking over and actually only being diagnosed at 35

it scares me

I know that it may be an uphill battle but it scares me

i honestly feel gutted because I feel I have let my son down because he has two parents that have personality disorders

I get scared that if my parents weren't around then I wouldn't be able to control my distortions and negative looping

I really honestly don't know what more to say

i don't talk to anyone about how I am feeling because I'm scared of judgement etc

I tend to leave it until I get to critical point and then I may have a panic attack or I cry for days

I go through each month with this roller coaster

i start off absolutely elated and then I feel on top of the world and like I can do anytning

and then I get the sexual impulses and then I start the negative distorted thinking and then I get the crying

then I may have a session with my and I will feel capable again

Then it goes through the same loop

I can tell you that if I was to live on my own

inwould literally have a panic attack every day

ny brain tells me I cannot do it on my own

and then I start getting upset and fearful because I freak about getting older and having grandchildren and being incapable of loving my grandchildten

and then because I don't think I am capabale I actually ask God why he would keep me here

I don't understand why people with childhood trauma have to fight harder

I don't see my trauma as a strengrh

i see my trauma and unstable upbringing and BPD like o have been given a death sentence

and even worse I feel like I have handed my son a death sentence

If I cannot cope mentally then how am I supposed to help my son

and if I cannot cope on my own then my son could be given to my ex partner who is narcissistic and undiagnosed BPD and paranoia

My brain tells me negative things instead of positive

I don't know whether you believe in God but I sure do hope that people and churches are right that the second coming will be by 2028

Because I am very very scared of what is coming

@Arieschic86 It is so painful to be gripped by such terror. It's gnaws at the soul, and I have utmost empathy for how paralysing it can be. I hope it is helpful to be able to share some of it here. I know that most of us are no strangers to what you're describing.

I just wanted to ask, to you have much MH support in your life? I know pretty much this whole community have been through the ringer with trying to find the right kind of treatment/MH professionals, but it does sound like you could really benefit from some therapeutic assistance in navigating this dark chasm of fear that haunts you.

Hope you're doing okay though tonight, all in all. We're here beside you

Arghhhh my dear @Arieschic86 ,

Being gripped by fear is so challenging. You are not a 'weird' borderline as much of what you are describing points to the hypersensitive nature of someone with BPD.

Dwelling on the past brings depression. Dwelling on the future brings fear and anxiety. However, you are in control of the NOW. What is it you can do at this moment to help you through?

I am glad you are able to make connections here in reaching out. It is very brave of you. We are here for you.

BPDSurvivor

Hi @BPDSurvivor

I cannot stop the distortions and it's making feel like I am going crazy today

just constant negative
My brain just keeps telling me that I am not going to make it and then I just get stuck on the roller coaster of catastrophising and negative looping

i don't talk about it and just keep it all in my head until I see my counsellor

how does anyone talk about it when I feel like no one will understand

i am just looking forward to going to sleep and seeing if tomorrow the nightmare will be a little bit better

I just wish I could rewind time to a time when I never knew what depression was

I always was a positive person and now I struggle to think positive at all

i should fight for myself and also my family and my son

But my brain knows reality

it just sees death and pain and heartache

I haven't lost anyone close to me except for my real Dad but that wasn't painful because he wasn't in our lives much and also I felt relieved for him because he suffered from schizophrenia

I am devastated and I cry like a little girl every day begging God to make it stop

I know that there are people out there that are worse off and struggling

but it's getting harder and harder to fight

I keep praying
The more time goes on the more scared I feel because in reality the more that time goes on the closer that I am to losing one's close to me

I try and wake up every day believing that things will get better in the future for mental health and there will be better options and medications etc

But how do you get through on your own

if I didn't have my parents then I would be living by myself and be isolated

i only have one close friend that understands what I am going through

I keep having nightmares about the future

i keep having nightmares that we are going to all become so mentally desperate that we start turning on each other or on ourselves

It truly scares me

I want to cry because I feel like I've already given up and I have to try ane convince myself each day to keep going

I have to remind myself that me leaving would cause a lot of heartache and pain to my family ane friends

but my brain just says that I am not strong enough and that before the next thing happens will traumatise me to the point I have to live the rest of my life in a psych ward and changing meds for etc

How do you go through all of that and try ane work and support a family and in future when my parents aren't well, how can I support them when I am 35 and can't even get myself together

I am completely traumatised by the distorted thinking

again I woke up shaking and anxiety through the roof

I don't know who to vent to

People without depression and anxiety and BPD and CPTSD wouldn't understand

I actually have considered opening a worldwide petition to God asking him to come soon and intervene

Because many people are losing their lights

I will keep fighting for another day and hope for a better tomorrow

i don't want to just survive, I want to live and feel joy and happiness and hope and and be strong and courageous

Hey @Arieschic86

I am so sorry to hear how hard things are feeling. I hope that this can be a safe space that you can share all that you are going through and feel less alone in what can be a scary and lonely time.

Of course, if you feel you may benefit from some immediate support please do not hesistate to reach out to any of the following:

• Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
  000
• Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
  13 11 14
• Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
  1300 659 467
• Kids helpline (under 25y.o.) (24 Hrs)
  1800 55 1800

Take good care of yourself. I hope you can keep working towards that goal of feeling joy and happiness and 'living'

Kind regards

Peregrinefalcon