STRUGGLING

Hey @Arieschic86 It sounds like you are in a difficult place right now I personally do not have any experience ith BPD but one of our Community Guides does so am going to tag her to maybe be able to give you her perspective @BPDSurvivor

I was however wondering what supports you have in place? Do you have a regular GP, see a counsellor or psych? Do you have a Mental Health Care Plan in place?

Hi Zoe7

thank you for your reply

i have a regular GP and am seeing a counsellor for childhood trauma which I use the sessions with the mental care plan for

i have been seeing him since earlier this year

i am due to see a psychiatrist next week but is costly but I have no choice to pay

i honestly am scared of this disorder because whilst I am safe and supported living with my parents I am scared of being on my own because I'm scared that I won't be able to cope being alone

I constantly think about losing loved ones and not being able to cope with losing loved ones

I don't have any friends that understand what I am going through

my parents are people who just get up and get on with it

my counsellor keeps having to reassure me

that these things take time but I'm scared that I don't have time

I had to resign from my job because of my mental health and I'm scared because if it wasn't for my parents then I don't know where I would be
I also have an FP who is a good friend but he has his own family and I can't always rely on him as my safety net

i worry though that I have attached myself to him

I do hope that I may be able to get some guidance and support through this forum because I do feel the fear inside my body and I can't control my anxiety sometimes when the fears and depressed and distorted thinking and catastrophising take over me

Hi Walle

Thank you for your reply

I do try take each day as it comes but my fears slowly creep back in and I'm back to crying about and worrying about how I'm going to cope in the future if my parents aren't here

@Arieschic86 From what I understand of BPD - what you are dealing with is common. That does not take away those fears nor does it help in the present. It might be good to discuss all this with your counsellor and then the psych when you see them. Maybe also look into doing a DBT course - it is meant to be good for people with BPD. I did a course of DBT and whilst it was very hard work, it was also beneficial for changing my thinking in some areas. Part of that was letting go of the past, living more in the present and controlling worrying of what will/might happen in the future.

Dear @Arieschic86 ,

Sounds very challenging to be that young emotional child trapped in an adult's body, but that precisely how I also felt with BPD.

Believe it or not, but you are stronger than your anxiety allows you to believe. Much of the work needs to be done by you as you work alongside therapists. It is about pushing yourself outside your comfort zone; it's about badly wanting that nurturing hug but not letting yourself have it BECAUSE YOU ARE OK; it's about wanting to reach out to people to show them you need to be cared for, but resisting or delaying this gratification.

How do I know this? Because I too was that very young child trapped in an adult body. I longed to be nurtured, hugged, cared for, dependent.... yet I worked with my treating team to deny myself so that I could get better.

@Arieschic86 , your counsellor is right - this takes time. You need to be ready to take these steps because it is painful, tearful and very very hard.....but worth it.

BPDSurvivor

Thank you for your reply and also for your advice

I worry that I won't be able to get through

how do I stay strong through this when I'm trying to deal with the BPD and also a loss of a relationship and on top of that trying to help my son through and I also freak out about how his mental health is going to be in the future

I feel completely devastated for my son that he has a mum who wants out every time something major happens in my life

im scared of the BPD and how to cope as I get older

I can't live with my parents forever but how do I move through this when I panic and I actually have this fear so badly of being alone that my body shakes and I also start to panic

I try to ignore the fears but they keep coming back and I can't battle them on my own

I've never been alone

it completely petrifies me

I'm scared of everything now and how I get through this life

I feel guilt for my son when I go into disassociation

I am scared of losing my loved ones and ending up on drugs or worse on the street because I cannot deal or I will just end up with any guy that will give me affection and love even if it's the wrong kind

I actually feel like I am going to have a heart attack when I think about being alone

I have a close friend that I rely on but he has his own mental struggles and also has his own family

I don't know how to let go of my attachment to him

I don't know why I am saying all this

i guess I am desperate because I'm scared of it all

@BPDSurvivor

Thank you for your reply and also for your advice

I worry that I won't be able to get through

how do I stay strong through this when I'm trying to deal with the BPD and also a loss of a relationship and on top of that trying to help my son through and I also freak out about how his mental health is going to be in the future

I feel completely devastated for my son that he has a mum who wants out every time something major happens in my life

im scared of the BPD and how to cope as I get older

I can't live with my parents forever but how do I move through this when I panic and I actually have this fear so badly of being alone that my body shakes and I also start to panic

I try to ignore the fears but they keep coming back and I can't battle them on my own

I've never been alone

it completely petrifies me

I'm scared of everything now and how I get through this life

I feel guilt for my son when I go into disassociation

I am scared of losing my loved ones and ending up on drugs or worse on the street because I cannot deal or I will just end up with any guy that will give me affection and love even if it's the wrong kind

I actually feel like I am going to have a heart attack when I think about being alone

I have a close friend that I rely on but he has his own mental struggles and also has his own family

I don't know how to let go of my attachment to him

I don't know why I am saying all this

i guess I am desperate because I'm scared of it all and I'm trying to hold onto hope

Hey @Arieschic86 just checking in, and wanted to offer some support.

Perhaps you are saying all this because it has been swirling around inside for so long, it became to heavy to carry. I'm really glad you are here, letting it out. I want you to know I hear you.

I can't take your fears away from you, but something that has helped me in the past is seeing how my fears and anxieties tell me about my values, about the deeper parts of me. So to me, all the fear and panic you feel about being a good mum is because you love your son dearly and want what is best for him. The fact that you're worried about ending up struggling with drugs or on the street tells me that that is not a very likely outcome for you, because you have too many things that pull you away from it - namely, your love for your closest relationships. Fear, panic, guilt - they can be paralysing. They can also be teachers, if we let them.

I think what @BPDSurvivor is saying is a really hard truth, one that took me many years to come to terms with myself. Whilst we are inherently social creatures and it is natural for us to depend on each other, we do need to learn how to not just survive, but to thrive on our own. My relationships took on a whole new quality when I worked hard to stop feeling like I needed them to survive.

It sounds like you have a lot of love to give. Perhaps you could practice turning that love inward? Because you are just as deserving of it as anyone else in your life, maybe even moreso.

Hi @Arieschic86 ,

It is challenging. I know that for a fact. Your fears are valid especially when you are responsible for another human being.

The real work will be realising your surviving, thriving and contentment is not dependent on others. It has to come from you. Only then can you offer to others.

When I work with people in on the NDIS as a disability practitioner, our main goal is helping individuals develop independence. For individuals to be empowered to make decisions, and take responsibility for their actions.

Setting aside your fears, what would you like to ideally see in your life? Who is it that you want people to know you by?