Setting boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother for Christmas who also needs more care

If you can try to meet her only on Neutral ground, at a cafe or club. If you stay at her house, she may demand you to do everything for her.

I have tried hosting and visitng my Mum for Christmas several times becuase no one else will join them and every time it end horribly for me. Two years ago, I went to my parents place for Christmas dinner and I ended up getting food poisoning for a week, followed by Shingles, because my Mum has terrible hygenie, she also has schizophrenia. The year before we invited them over for dinner and she went on the balcony and got naked and stunk up our toilet and kitchen by putting poo in the Kitchen Bin! It is just easier to meet on neutral ground, because if she someone else is serving the food, hygenie isn't as much of an issue and if she makes a mess I don't have to deal with it.

Hi @Kermit

I just wanted to reach out to offer you some support

I hear the struggle it is to maintain those boundaries you’ve set with your mum, I really respect that you are setting clear parameters around it & recognising that your wellbeing is absolutely worth what you have arranged.

In my experience, it can take an enormous amount of courage and strength to prioritize our wellbeing and I think that you made an incredibly brave decision around that.

Something I’ve noticed in my situation is as annoying as it may be, I might often have to keep reminding the person of my boundaries. And at the same time reminding myself that I’m actually doing best by everyone by doing that.
From past experiences, if I change or cave it has set me back with them in a lot of ways.

I’m with you that boundaries are hard to practice, more so with certain people.

Hi @Kermit

Yes - I do know how hard it is to set boundaries with - I will say demanding mothers - and how important it is

I had to use tough love with one of my children - I will not go into that right now but I had to maintain this to the limit. In time I had to give my mother tough love too - and I did not see her for years though I sent her cards often telling her I would like to see her if she wanted to see me - I heard nothing

This I maintained - we need to know our limits and set our boundaries for our own self-care - and it is not at all easy but we owe it to ourselves

I wish you the best through this hard time

Dec

Thank you for your responses and support. I feel a lot less alone as the other posts let me know it's not just me.

Spoke to my Mum tonight. Her GP is referring her to an orthopaedic surgeon for her hip issues so she was pre-occupied with that. The relative who took her said the GP is also fast-tracking an aged care assessment for Mum.

I've decided to reiterate my plans (and in doing so boundaries) for Christmas via email to my Mum tomorrow. I'm more comfortable in writing (probably why I'm on this forum and not a phone line) and also this way there is no disputing what I've said.

Hello all,

Stuck to my boundaries over Christmas and the situation blew up hard and early on, which in some ways was a good thing.

At the first visit to Mum's (night I was staying at my cousins) I had to terminate the conversation and leave because my "it's challenging for both of us for me to stay more than one night email" was interpreted by her as a threat (she said this to my cousin) and just wasn't accepted by her. I decided to stay at my cousins both nights. Next morning, Mum rang me before the family lunch to state how difficult it must be for me to see her so immobile, with no mention of the earlier discusion..

At Christmas family she wouldn't acknowledge me, directing body language and conversation to other people in the room (tactic she's used before) and another relative had to reinforce I'd said goodby to her.Next day, Boxing Day she left message asking if I was coming round to her place to say goodbye before I went back to Melbourne. I made excuses via text and said no. I was worried I wouldn't be safe to drive.

Although this Christmas has been really stressful, I think it has shifted the power balance between Mum and me in that I know I can say no or leave or do what I need to in order to protect myself and my health more and follow through in acting on this. And I'm really grateful that the forums are here, and for my cousins for their help.

All the best for your future @Kermit

And good on you for sticking to your boundaries - and that is hard work - I know

Dec