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At my wits end!

NotSoCrayCraySenior Contributor25 Sept 2016, 2:44 pm AEST

At my wits end!

Hello everyone.

Nice forum. I found it via a radio ad. The reason I came here is because im looking for both advice, and anonomous people to vent to when times are tough.

I guess this is my introduction, and my first vent post in 1.

My wife of 7 years is schitzophrenic, and suffers from major PTSD due to being molested by her father until she was 13. These 2 things together have made life extremely tough on her and by extention myself.

I have tried and tried to help her, and in the beginning she seemed to be inproving, but im finding that now she seems to completely disreguard anything I say and keeps on a path of self destruction. 70% of the time, she is a lovely loving person, but she will suddenly and inexplicably go into these moods where nothing I do or say will help.

When she is in one of these moods, nothing it right. Everyone is wrong. She becomes irratrional, controling and argumentive even if you agree with her. Its got to the point where I cant do anything right. Especially on the weekends.

I work 10hrs a day, 5 days a week. She works 8 hrs a week if that. All I want to do on the weekend i relax, but no. I constantly have to be helping her do something. Even if its something she can do by herself, she needs help with it. If I tell her to wait, it sets of her crazy mood and ruins the whole weekend. If I say no, toi anything, it becomes a several hour event with her complaining that I dont love her and attempting to lay guilt trips on me to that effect.

I fell like im being held hostage. I feel like im trapped. I dont know what to do anymore other than leave her. Its impossible to talk about the issue with her, she just snaps and turns it into an argument. I can be talking softly, calmly and I get screamed at "Dont talk to me like that" as if im screaming at her.

I dont know what to do anymore. Even now after ive said I need 1/2 hr to relax she is constantly harassing me to go outside and get soemthign for her. An activity she can do herself, but because im not currently paying attention to her, she wants me to do it.

Weve been to a shrink who diagnosed her with PTSD and gave her exercises to do, books to read, meditation activities ect, but after a month, she just doesnt bother doing it and reports back to the shrink that she is. The shrink insists shes doing well, but her behaviour at home has not changed and she can not see that.

How does one handle people like this?

If I cant work it out in the next couple of months, im afraid I will have to leave her before I have a breakdown myself. Its the last thing I want to do as it would leave her on her own and she wouldnt be able to cope.

Thanks for listening/reading.

NSCC

12 replies

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In response to: At my wits end!

Unknown userMember25 Sept 2016, 4:08 pm AEST

Re: At my wits end!

Hi @NotSoCrayCray,

I'm one of the moderators on the Forum 🙂 Welcome and congratulations on your first post. I think SANE is ideal for venting and support! So I think you're on the right track 😉

I am so sorry to hear how challenging your relationship has been over the years. It sounds like you've tried every possible way to get around these mood swings. It must be exhausting. Do you feel like you're walking on egg shells all the time? Not only do you have this emotional storm to fight through, you're working such long hours as well. I'm not surprised you're feeling fed up and overwhelmed.

I think at the end of the day you have to do what's right for you. And what I mean by that is- not putting her first, putting you first. It sounds like for a long time it's been about her needs. What are yours? If you are struggling to cope and you feel that your wellbeing is compromised by staying in the relationship- then you should go. But it has to be about what's best for you.

Lovely to *meet* you NSCC, I hope to hear from you again- even if it's to vent 🙂 All the best.

In response to: Re: At my wits end!

NotSoCrayCraySenior Contributor26 Sept 2016, 3:12 pm AEST

Re: At my wits end!

Hi ConcealedCows.

Thanks. Yer IMO its probably more about venting for me. I cant really go talking about this stuff with people I know IRL as they either tell me shes a bad partner and get mad at me for not leaving or they judge her for something that they dont really understand. Hell i really dont understand 1/2 the time.

When shes "acting up", yes it can be like walking on eggshels, but mostly because I want to avoid drama, not because im scared. She can get violent but as a former Kickboxer I can handle myself. Its like a child attempting to attack a lion, however emotionally it still gets to me as I can see no rational reason for her anger most of the time.

My needs are simple. I need peace and quiet to relax sometimes and I need time to myself. Unfortunatly even if I sit her down and explain this, and she says she understands and tries to "give me time" within 1/2hr shes going stir crazy and looking for attention. When I get frustrated and tell her shes supposed to be giving me time to do my hobbies she feels rejected and gets emotional or angry...

Whats best for me? Not sure. I own several properties and we live together in one of them. I can easily move out to another but i dont want to do that. I dont want to leave her alone. I saw her how she was before, when she was at her worst and she will go back to that again without a stable influence in her life.

When she first attended the psychologist, i wrote a letter to the psych and the psych immediately wanted to meet me. She visits again tomorrow so I was thinking of writing her another letter. I really want her to get the help she needs but at the same time it seems to be dragging on and bringing me down and im no longer the happy go lucky person I was before.

Thanks for listening.
NSCC

In response to: Re: At my wits end!

pipSenior Contributor26 Sept 2016, 5:56 pm AEST

Re: At my wits end!

Hi @NSCC. I really feel for both of you. Was your wife ever able to 'confront' her father to resolve her feelings of how 'unclean' she would've felt. I too am an incest survivor. I was unable to confront my attacker as he was sheltered by my mother (who knew). Because your wife is not being truthful to her psych and he only knows what she tells him, the battle is real, uphill, constant. When you say she is schizophrenic, has she actually been diagnosed with this condition? If she is 'hearing' voices, she could be receiving messages that her medication could harm her. Have you approached your Dr to ask for help? Perhaps it might be a good place to start. Talk to your Dr and ask him the best way of helping her. It's possible your wife may need to be hospitalized so she can be monitored and so she can talk about her trauma with being a victim. Victims often self-blame, because the person who abuses them also brain-washes them into believing the abuse is their fault. Is your MIL aware of the abuse? I would also suggest you contact Adult Victims of Sexual Abuse and ask if there is some way they could help. The PTSD is possibly because she couldn't scream for help when she was being abused.

In response to: Re: At my wits end!

NotSoCrayCraySenior Contributor26 Sept 2016, 6:41 pm AEST

Re: At my wits end!

Hi pip.

Thanks. No she never got to confront him. He died before she started seeking help. She wrote him a letter as advised by her therapist. I think it helped her a little at the time. She wont go on medication, she is dead against it.

Yer MIL knew but is mentally handicapped and didnt really understand. She actually encouraged it on occasion thinking its a game. She also encouraged an uncle to do the same when she was older but by this time she knew better.I dont think she blames herself, not anymore at least.

She has been diagnosed, but its not the "hearing voices" or "distinct multiple personalities" stereotypical type of thing. I mean, she does have a "split personality" but its more like the same person whos age suddenly drops to a childs age. She seems to go back to the person she probably wanted to be and during the abuse. Any form of stress, from a piece of bird shit on her car to an actual disaster can trigger it. Other days the same thing means nothing to her.

I dont really have a personal doctor. I dont go often enough to form a relationship with any of them and when I do go, they barely speak a lick of english and rush me out the door. I doubt a GP would give me the time of day. She does and is seeing a therapist, but its not helping as much as id have expected or as much as it was in the beginning and getting pretty dam expensive. Cost us close to 10k last financial year.

The other issue actually is that there are 3 people in her life, all family members, who knew and IMO are guilty themselves (well 2 of them). I dont really know how im supposed to deal with them. I cant tell her not to see her family. Her therapist did. Im not sure if she should maintain contact with them. The brother was probably too yourng to be able to do anything, so I can let that slide. The Uncle, id like to give a hiding to, but hes a disabled old man who cant even walk these days. The mother, im not sure, as I mentioned, shes mentally handicapped.

Thanks for your reply.
NSCC

In response to: Re: At my wits end!

PuppyNew Contributor26 Sept 2016, 6:47 pm AEST

Re: At my wits end!

Hello,

this is my first post on this forum. Your situation sounds very similar to mine except that it is my adult daughter who is suffering complex mental health issues.

Watching a loved one suffer, trying to help them and yet being dragged down yourself. It really sucks and some days I cry and other days I feel strong. I have suffered from depression over the past couple of years and every day is a struggle to stay well to be able to care for someone who is unwell who doesn't seem to notice other people's suffering. It is so frustrating and exhausting!

i am an expert at walking on egg shells.....not my choice!

every day I tell myself that I have many people in my life who need and love me and I must stay well for me and them.

I hope that you continue to seek support and vent. It does help to know that you are not alone

In response to: Re: At my wits end!

pipSenior Contributor26 Sept 2016, 7:03 pm AEST

Re: At my wits end!

Hi@NSCC. It sounds more as though your wife 'escapes' into a 'little' girl. I would say your suspicion that she retreats back into the child she was is possibly true. It's also possible, when she was being abused, she 'escaped' this way. I'm rather inclined to go along with the therapist in limiting her contact with her family. Each time she's in their company, a lot of what she suffered would surface in her mind. Because of my abuse, I am unable to sleep with the door shut. I chose to distance myself from my mother and brother as seeing them I was constantly reminded that he was the favourite. I understand your frustration, giving the uncle a good thrashing wouldn't really help as it wouldn't take away the past. I was helped tremendously by a very understanding sexual abuse counsellor. The first one I saw added to my feelings of 'unclean'. The 2nd one urged me to talk, get the **** out of my system and he helped me realize the abuse was something I couldn't control. Until your wife has 'cleansed' herself of the abuse, seeing her family is triggering the rage she feels for them adding to her discomfort. As I advised before try to get in touch with the Adult Sexual Abuse Survivors organization and get some advice as to the best form of treatment. AD's will help, only after she is able to realize what happened was totally out of her control. Abusers as I said, use brain-washing methods to get what hey want. Her father obviously knew and 'played' on the mother's inability to help her. I am so sorry for both of you, I hope you can get some help

In response to: Re: At my wits end!

Tight-ControlSenior Contributor27 Sept 2016, 6:20 pm AEST

Re: At my wits end!

Hi ,

Its sounds like you are going through a rough time as well. I found SARC ( Sexual Assault Resource Centre) a good starting point for me understanding how abuse affects poeple you are in a relationship with.

You do need to take some down time for yourself to be able to recharge and be there for her. Getting burnt out , exhausted , and feeling like your trapped are normal reactions to your situation. Dont feel guilty about this just accept it as quite normal. Find a hobby or interst go to the gym something just for you even for a few hrs on the weekend . Then you may have more emotional energy to spend with your partner.

Feel free to vent away here ..:-)

In response to: Re: At my wits end!

AppleblossomSenior Contributor27 Sept 2016, 7:07 pm AEST

Re: At my wits end!

Hello @NotSoCrayCray It is absolutely reasonable to expect a quiet weekend after such a big work load .. and that means more than half an hour.

My heart goes out for both of you as you have obviously made a lot of allowances for the sexual abuse.

Attention-seeking and Regression are big issues.

Maybe you can work out a time thing .. to gauge how your weekends are ... and try and get her to stick to it.

Something like ... maybe a third together time ... two thirds solo-male interest/hobby relax etc time.

Yep .. its no good .. if one person uses a therapist to get them off the hook ..perpetually ..

it is called manipulation.

Hello @Tight-Control I havent seen you for ages.

@pip I am so glad that you mentioned you had mixed experiences with sex abuse counsellors .. so have I ... and it put me back a lot ... it is still only 3 months that I have had ... a clear diagnosis of sexual assault as a young girl 7. Before that I kep thinking and being scapegoated for everything my fault.

I also witnessed an incest boy being excused by the mother in my family... very tragic and heart rending... even tho I understood the reasons and their limitations.

I think it is so important to have mixed gender and mixed relationship (eg spousal, partner, parental, sibling etc) discussions about these issues.

It stops some of the very damaging POLARISATION that occurs around these issues.

In response to: Re: At my wits end!

NotSoCrayCraySenior Contributor27 Sept 2016, 8:24 pm AEST

Re: At my wits end!

Thanks everyone for your advice.

Ive looked at some of the Adult Sexual Abuse Survivors places i found on google. Ill see where it takes me.

Thing is I understand what shes been through and how it had had a huge impact on her whole life. Ive already done my research and im a reasonable rational person most of the time. Knowing about it doesnt make dealing with it a whole lot easier. If i knew less id probably have walked away long ago. The fact I "get it" is what keeps me going and not blaming her entirely for her abnormal behavior.

At the moment, im just mostly frustrated and thats what lead me here. The need for some kind of outlet. Its pretty mentally draining sometimes.

I do wish i could get a break from it all however. Im about to be completely flat out with work for the next 5 - 6 months. Its going to be tough.

Talking to her about it at the "right time" can seem productive, but when the other personality (little girl) shows up it doesnt matter what we discussed earlier, all bets are off.

Thnaks again everyone.
Sorry if I missed something, im trying to use this forum without her knowing. Shed be mortified if she knew I was talking to anonymous strangers about her.

Thanks
NSCC

edit: i might also add, im feeling kinda guilty for all these posts. Should I?

i feel like im bad mouthing her even tho im kinda trying to be kind the way I word things.

In response to: Re: At my wits end!

pipSenior Contributor28 Sept 2016, 4:39 pm AEST

Re: At my wits end!

@NSCC. Never, ever feel guilty for reaching out for help. I have seen nothing to indicate you bad-mouthing your wife, in any way. All I have read from your post is someone who loves his wife and is trying to help her. I think your wife would possibly feel betrayed if she knew you were writing here. The feeling of betrayal is partly due to her being betrayed by her father, someone every one should feel safe with. The only time you have 'bad-mouthed' anyone was when you mentioned her uncle and how you'd like to punish him for hurting her. That's a natural reaction when someone we love is hurt by someone. I think your wife could be scared to be left alone at times, which is why she becomes so demanding, other times, she needs her 'own' space to see if she can live with herself. Her mood swings are possibly because of the self loathing she may feel because of the abuse. As I explained before, when we are abused, often the victim will self-blame because we are told it's our fault the abuse happened. It's vicious cycle and one that's hard to penetrate because whoever tries to counsel her, has to first win her trust. That can take time as she only trusts you. A councillor (preferably female) would be better for her because a strange man will cause her to shut down. The 'little girl' you mentioned 'comes out' to protect her from the adult world that scares her. Try to keep reminding yourself that to her, her behaviour is 'normal' 24/7. I realize you are battling an uphill treadmill, trying to hang onto your job, keep your wife calm and take care of everyday issues. Once you can get her to see a female councillor, if you need emotional support, don't feel as though you've failed, you haven't, neither has she. If you can get the councillor to visit her at home, this would be preferable, till your wife trusts her. Talk to the councillor alone if possible first to explain how your wife 'closes' down into the little girl. when she becomes the little girl, that is a form of closing down, rather than facing something so unpleasant. You sound an extremely kind, loving husband. I wish you every success in helping her. .

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