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Grieving my estranged incestuous father, but don't understand why (possible trigger warning)

ElephanthartContributor10 Dec 2021, 2:10 am AEDT

Grieving my estranged incestuous father, but don't understand why (possible trigger warning)

Ok so my Dad left my mum & I when I was 13 months old. When I was 11 years old I met him & kept intouch with him. Before then I didnt have any father figure in my life. I was over the moon to meet him & to finally have my dad in my life. However, over my teenage years he took my naivety & trust for granted. Without going into too much detail he was incestuous and always inappropriate with me. Many times I would stop contact with him because of the way he treated me, but I longed for my dad so deeply that I would always get back in contact hoping that he would have changed. I continued contact with him until my late 20s, also in hope that he would be different each time I allowed him into my life. Then the day came, when I was in my early 30s, that I finally got the courage to cut him off completely & wrote him a letter stating why I was taking this action. I also have a half sister by him who he used to beat up. Horrible man.

Earlier this year I was told by a cousin who lived near my father that he passed away in 2012. The news hit me hard, i don't know why the news affected me. I was in shock & grieved as I would if a close relative had died. Even to this very day, I look at photos of him and I feel that I miss him, even though I cut ties with him due to the horrible, sick way he treated me. He lived in another country but I always feared that he would come back to Australia, I was scared of him. So why was I so distressed at the news of his death? Why do I looked at photos of him & feel deep grief and sadness?

Shouldn't I feel relieved that he's gone? Relieved that I don't have to live with the fear that his may come back? I'm so confused.

14 replies

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In response to: Grieving my estranged incestuous father, but don't understand why (possible trigger warning)

Shaz51Senior Contributor10 Dec 2021, 6:23 pm AEDT

Re: Grieving my estranged incestuous father, but don't understand why (possible trigger warning)

Hello @Elephanthart 👋👍🥰❤☕☕

How are you going xx

In response to: Grieving my estranged incestuous father, but don't understand why (possible trigger warning)

OwlunarSenior Contributor11 Dec 2021, 9:02 am AEDT

Re: Grieving my estranged incestuous father, but don't understand why (possible trigger warning)

Hi @Elephanthart

I think it's probably a good idea to find another therapist - panademic and all - you do need to air your feelings and they are trained to understand - at least - I do believe they try

Also - you never go back to scratch - you are a different person everytime - you have learned something in the time that has passed

I would suggest you try - I have had many counsellors through the years - some psychologists - not lately -

All things pass - aging soes have some positives - increased wisdom and although the past never goes away it is easier to live with the memories

I do wish you the best

Dec

In response to: Grieving my estranged incestuous father, but don't understand why (possible trigger warning)

OwlunarSenior Contributor11 Dec 2021, 9:14 am AEDT

Re: Grieving my estranged incestuous father, but don't understand why (possible trigger warning)

Hi @Shaz51

I havven't been posting much on line since I got back from hospital and feel as if I have missed out posting to you

I am sorry your father treated you that way - my mother was psychologically abusive as you know and was pretty handy in the slapping department too - and I think I know her reasons but reasons are not excuses.

I will try and post later - I am not having a good start to today with pain - I think I need the heat pack and just watch a good movie - maybe it's better than staying in bed - sitting up I mean

Your life hasn't been easy - still isn't. In hospital I had too much time to think about my son - I couldn't read or watch TV so I just went inside myself and thought my thoughts - which was okay

Since I have been home - 2 weeks today - I have been eating well and gained the weight I lost in hospital - actually - I have done well -

Lots of thoughts Shaz

Dec

In response to: Grieving my estranged incestuous father, but don't understand why (possible trigger warning)

Zoe7Senior Contributor11 Dec 2021, 11:54 am AEDT

Re: Grieving my estranged incestuous father, but don't understand why (possible trigger warning)

Hey @Elephanthart Grief has a life of its own and has no limits nor boundaries. Losing someone in your life - especially someone you longed to have a relationship with but could not because of their actions can further complicate how you react. It is not as simple as thinking you should be okay that they are finally out of your life forever - in-fact it can be quite the opposite - you grieve what you did not have as well as the person that could not provide that. Even though you were the one that cut off contact, there is no dount still those feelings that you could have done more to have a relationship with your father. These thoughts can bring about feelings of guilt as well as loss - complicating your grief even further. Reconciling your thoughts with your previous actions is hard but you made the best decision for yourself in very difficult circumstances - and that took incredible courage. Find that courage now to let yourself grieve and in time be able to accept what you did was exactly what you needed to do. We can miss and feel sad for those abusive people in our lives - that is natural with any loss - but it is also important to accept that we ourselves have done what we have to look after ourselves ...this can be confusing when in the midst of grief but separating the person and those actions of both them and yourselves can give some closure and way forward. This is not easy to do - and you will do in your own time but as you do this be kind to yourself and acknowledge just how brave you have been to take the actions you did and the positive impact that had on your own life.

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