Grieving my estranged incestuous father, but don't understand why (possible trigger warning)

Oh, this is so hard @Elephanthart, I'm not sure what a psych might say about the ambivalence you feel but I've had my share of those conflicting feelings and might have something to offer.

I'm wondering if your grief is due to the finality of it all? That daeling little girl within who longed for daddy, a real daddy to love her, she is feeling the loss that her dad isn't coming back to put things right. He's left again, it hurt bad enough the first time, but this time there's no hope left. Perhaps the reality that the door has closed for ever. It's the innocent and pure part of you that's crying. He won't be coming back to fill the gap, the space made for proper dad's. It's not the ugliness you miss but what dad's should be, what you needed.
But then there's also the grown-up self beating up on the inner child a bit for not making sense. Can you comfort your inner child,. Love her. Tell her it's ok to cry, that everything is gonna be ok, we got this. Deep breaths...
Self Compassion Therapy has helped me a lot with this pain. Be kind to yourself. Finish raising your inner child yourself. It's been so hard . Give yourself time 💞
Oh,

something else that might help... write your dad a letter, saying everything you've always wanted to tell him and read it out loud as if he was in front of you. Get it out. And when youre ready, forgive him, tell him you forgive him. Burn the letter & watch the smoke drift away out of your space.
💙💚💛🧡❤️💜

Hi @Elephanthart

Difficult relationships are harder to grieve than loving ones

My loving father passed nearly 11 years ago and I was torn up even though he was in his 90s. This sorrow ran it's short course and now I am sorry - I went on with my life

My relationship with my..other was complex and she was very angry and psychologically abusive - her death nearly 7 years ago wrecked me and I needed to see a psychologist - I did recover but it was hard and confusing

I understand - this is mind-bending for you - I will write later on my computer - atm I am using my phone - I am not good at texting

I care about you

Dec

Good morning @Elephanthart

I'm Rhye, one of the peer support workers here at SANE. I normally start out by extending a warm welcome to our newest members and offer them a bit of a virtual tour, of sorts, but I might leave that to the end of this reponse...

@Elephanthart I want to start by commending you for the honesty and bravery in your post. It takes a lot of courage to share your story with us, and it also takes a lot of self love – sometimes when those who were supposed to care for us as children, protect us, nuture us and help us become the little people that we were, sometimes they do a terrible job of it. By reaching out and sharing your story, I think you're doing a wonderful job of caring for the parts of you that weren't shown the love they deserved.

CSA, especially when its intrafamilial, is complex, as they say. This level of complexity can often play out with a lived experience of confusion. It's confusing to implicitely trust a parent, yet that parent betrays your trust. It's confusing to love a parent, yet that love is met with pain, and it would be particularly confusing to have felt this all your life, to have been estranged from your father and then to hear that he has passed – he has passed, but it makes sense that all your feelings have not left with him. This is your lived experience, as much as you might wish it would be buried with the man who caused this pain, I imagine your experiece has a depth that may not immediately dissipate with his passing. There are no "shoulds" when it comes to grief, and there are certainly none when it comes to processing the confusion and grief that comes along with being a survivor. All your feelings are valid. I have found that by welcoming big feelings when they come, leaving a space for them, that they become gradually less intense over time.

May I ask whether you have any supports to help walk beside you in this grief? A trusted therapist, counsellor or friend? This forum is a wonderful place for online support, and I trust that you'll find many a friendly SANE member who can empathise with the grief and confusion you're experiencing. I'm going to tag a few members who have reached out previously, and a few who I know are very skilled at offering a safe place to land here in the forum @Shaz51 @Zoe7 @oceangirl @BPDSurvivor @Appleblossom

Go gently with with yourself today, @Elephanthart, I will be thinking of you 💜

@Elephanthart

I guess grief can be layered and trigger deeper griefs. The mixture of memories and longings, loss and anger need teasing out. Write it out, maybe as a journal, especially when bits of insight arrive, but I do not believe easy one size fits all approaches. It is your life and relationship. It may take time. Sometimes we need to understand how our family members became messed up to put it in context, and then it might be easier to let go the grief. The unmet need and anger may be mixed up in the other atttachment feelings.

Hi again @Elephanthart

It's natural for little girls to idolised their fathers - I did and he was worth it - every man I have ever met has been measured against him and this has always been good for my self esteem

Your father let you down in a huge way - his bad. Of course you are hurt and confused

Grief is complex and layered. My son died 35 years ago - it had been tough rearing this troubled teen - I was baffled about the intensity of my emotions

The thing I realised was how permanent death is. No more chances or choices - it was over

With help you will learn to manage this - I hope you are able to access help - you deserve it

Life will go on and it will get easier - it will take time

Best thoughts - Dec

Hello Rhye, thank you for your reply. It is very confusing for me because I hated him for what he did to me & how he viewed me, he treated me like I was a girl friend, even saying to me that he wished we were more boyfriend/girlfriend. He was a a man who not only stole my dreams of having a stable "normal" father/daughter relationship, he also stole money from me. He was abusive in everyway possible.

My mum and I lived with my grandparents which was a nightmare in itself because my grandmother was a naccarsist who subjected me to psychological and mental abuse. I was basically targeted from all sides.

Plus I was sexually abused by a family friend and molested by a neighbour. (I don't know how to why I'm adding all this extra info but there you go)

As I previously mentioned, my dad gave me the hope of some sort of normality in a family sense. But that was never to happen either.

No child, nor person, should ever have had to endure what you have @Elephanthart. It's so much for one person to manage, along side the regular things that arise with day to day living. I know I asked you previously, but just wanted to check in with you again – do you currently have profressional supports in place to help you through this? That element was key for me in being able to learn to process and live with the after affects of trauma.

Ohh @Elephanthart Sending you lots of tender hugs my friend ❤❤

My father mentally and emotionally abused me , and my mum and I left when I was 12 being soo skiny and sick

When I was 17 I thought I should keep in contact with my father as we live in the same town but that day He physical abused me , I never went back to the house but was rejected daily as I went down town , I would see him dart into the nearest shop

Rejection is terrible and then I last time I real saw him was in hospital the night before he passed away

And then I inherited his house, soo many emotions , I cried , was angry , everything

It has been 14 years since my father has passed away

Have you have anyone you can talk to xx

I did not have any support, my husband who has MI has trying to support me through this

How are you today

@Former-Member , @Owlunar , @Appleblossom , @Gwynn

I did have a psychologist a couple of years who was the best one I've ever had. Sadly she is no longer available as she now teaches at a hospital. I'm not keen to find another one because it's too hard when you have to start from scratch. I think this forum is good enough for now 😊