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Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

QueenieSenior Contributor24 Sept 2016, 5:09 pm AEST

Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

I was studying for my diploma in Mental Health, Alcohol and Other Drugs through TAFE. I've decided to withdraw because I am so far behind I've got no chance of catching up unfortunately. I feel like I've let everyone down including myself but my depression is so bad that I have zero motivation to do anything and my mind and memory is just a mess. I don't see my psychiatrist again until mid October and when I do see him I will be asking for a supporting letter from him requesting my withdrawal from studies.

I'm kind of embarrassed by it all, as I try to overcome my issues with my mental health, but for the past 10 years, I've found myself stunted or going backwards instead of forwards. Late last year I went to my 20th high school reunion and realised I have nothing in common with any of my former peers. They are all living reasonably successful lives, and here I am surviving on a disability pension fortnight to fortnight with little to no savings and nothing to show. Ten years ago I was in a good marriage, had a job I loved working for the government, my own home... I had all the mod cons and had a great group of friends. Fast foward and I've been homeless, a victim of domestic violence twice, lot my home, my job and have lost all my possessions over time and have hardly any friends and no family. I feel like a total loser and no matter how hard I try to regain what I lost, my mental health always gets the better of me. It's not fair!

I feel so confused and bitter about not being able to have a successful life like the people I went to school with (and what I used to have before becoming ill with depression and schizophrenia). It is constantly like one step forward and two steps back. I struggle most of the time to simply keep on being on the world.

But that is not enough sometimes.

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In response to: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

BridgetjonesSenior Contributor24 Sept 2016, 6:25 pm AEST

Re: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

Be kind to yourself @Queenie. You have survived alot of difficult life situations. Id call you a survivor !!. Try not to compare yourself with others too much and credit yourself with small achievements. Sending you a hug xx

In response to: Re: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

AppleblossomSenior Contributor24 Sept 2016, 6:57 pm AEST

Re: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

@QueenieYou have done good things for your support groups and have a good partner ... Dont blame yourself or compare yourself. There is such a social game in people pretending they are happier than they really are .. in all those lives there will be issues .. you can be sure of that.

I dont particularly want all the mod cons anyway ... I dont see that as a sign of being successful ... It can be a sign of being greedy or self centred ... thats me ... I dont use a phone etc .. I have one somewhere ...

I think there is fair deal of luck involved in the trappings of success.

... you need to do what helps you feel better about yourself as a person ... a unique edgy Queenie ... with both exuberance and pathos.. that is how you seem to me ... I like your energy

Re studies: whether you withdraw or defer ... is your decision .. I have often needed to get extensions in my study but also kick myself in the behind ... without various goals and deadlines I would flounder. Also studying in the MH field can be a huge trigger in itself ... I believe it is possible that you can do it ... but I dont really know how much meds have made it hard for you ... I get vague and then switched on .. I make dumb mistakes like yesterday leaving the car in the carpark at the supermarket and walking home with the shopping .. I left it there for over 24 hours before I got it .. I was so mad with myself .. nobody stole it and it wasnt even locked!

When I was parenting I came across the idea of grades of attention ... A-Z there are so many different levels of focus ... you may still be able to do it .. talk about it with your partner too.

In response to: Re: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

QueenieSenior Contributor24 Sept 2016, 8:00 pm AEST

Re: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

True @Appleblossom, there is a social game in people pretending that they are happier than they are. I still remember the day I broke down. I thought I was happy that morning... by nightfall I was in hospital after attempting to take my own life. I guess some people just play the game better than others. I used to see a psychologist who used the 'fake it til you make it' analogy and that used to feel like life was cheapened living like that.

I think success truly comes by living a life well lived. That is something I'm just not doing at the moment I don't feel. Yes I still help facilitate groups and I have an amazing gf.

I guess I should be thankful really shouldn't I? At least I'm alive I guess.

In response to: Re: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

QueenieSenior Contributor24 Sept 2016, 8:02 pm AEST

Re: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

Thanks @Bridgetjones for the hug x.

I'd like to think of myself as a survivor too, but my past experiences and family upbringing paints me with the failure brush. But yeah, secretly, I have survived. 🙂

In response to: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

Unknown userMember24 Sept 2016, 8:11 pm AEST

Re: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

Hi @Queenie. There is no timeframe on learning. There's plenty of time for you to catch up. I hate fake it until you make it. It has never sat well with me. One of my most hated sayings. You know the only way you should be able to compare yourself at a school reunion is if everyone has had similar backgrounds with similar brain chemistry....bet you'd shine at that reunion😊 I do the same though, we all do with reunions. It gets harder after you've left school for decades as the the occupation of your children is also measured. It's all crap really. To me your someone who inspires me here. I think your honesty and integrity shine through as someone who is making a real difference in this world when you can. Don't let the glitches define you, you have come a long way and will go a long way. Take care 💜😊

In response to: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

Unknown userMember24 Sept 2016, 8:11 pm AEST

Re: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

oops. Sorry for miss post

In response to: Re: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

QueenieSenior Contributor24 Sept 2016, 8:23 pm AEST

Re: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

Awww shucks @Former-Member! I think you raise a valid point, if my past classmates were to have the same background and brain chemistry as me, I'd like to see where their lives ended up.

I hate fake it til you make it too. It just doesn't validate an individual's sometimes traumatic experiences I don't think. What I mean is, people don't act a certain way without having a negative (or positive) experience behind it. Faking happiness is falsifying experiences I think.

I am determined to finish my studies one day. Just not now. Being TAFE, I can't defer, but I can always re-enrol at a later date. It took me 4 years to finish my Cert IV in mental health and peer work, so there's still hope!

In response to: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

KurraSenior Contributor24 Sept 2016, 8:28 pm AEST

Re: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

Hi @Queenie
I wouldn't recommend withdrawal from your course but certainly deferral for this semester would be advisable. I certainly needed to take time off during my degrees and would not have been able to graduate without. You will still need documentation from your Dr but since your appointment isn't until mid October ask your GP for a letter supporting your withdrawal from this semester. When you see your specialist you can get a letter confirming the need for this decision.
This way you won't feel so disappointed in yourself and you won't end up punishing yourself.

Here's a sort of sick perspective to think about : Consider what you're studying... do you really think they'd dare to refuse granting you special consideration.

You sre strong in so many ways Queenie. Success isn't really about how much money you have. It's not about a mansion nor how much you own.

Success is about who you are as a person and what you've achieved despite the adverse conditions you've faced. You've defied adversity including homelessness. I know all too well how much effort and courage it takes to rise above homelessness.

You probably aren't in a position to fully appreciate what you've done. Your depression is telling you porkies. Walking beside you Queenie. Do post when you feel up to it and let us hold your hand during this tough time. 🎶💕💜💕🎶

In response to: Re: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

QueenieSenior Contributor24 Sept 2016, 8:42 pm AEST

Re: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

Hi @Kurra. Your post made me cry (but good tears so don't worry you didn't upset me!).

Unfortunately I don't think my TAFE college offers deferral for courses, but I can always re-enrol at a later date. They have 3 intakes per year. So I don't incur penalty fees or course costs for this semester, I need a letter of support from both my GP and specialist (I asked my tutor).

My depression has just settled on top of me like a dark cloud or fog. I wish it'd just go away but everything seems like hard work. My gf's therapist has agreed to see me next week as part of a joint appointment, so hopefully that goes ok. I'll keep you posted.

In response to: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

KurraSenior Contributor24 Sept 2016, 9:01 pm AEST

Re: Quitting study because my depression is outta control.

Please do @Queenie. ☺
Will you get credit for what you've already done?
If course you could always test them at their own commitment to. ...umh....mental health. It could be a fascinating and possibly amusing too see them squirm.
If you're as wicked as I can be, the whole exercise might be an excellent distraction from the boring darkness of depression. 😉
🎶💕💜💕🎶

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