Hello darkness my old friend

Hi all. How is everyone today? I hope you are have a really good day today. I hope the weather improves as I feel we have had enough rain for now.
I feel like inside me it is raining nonstop and I just cannot form a real connection with anyone. No one really gets me. I really am tired of trying to find meaning and purpose and just don’t want to do any of it anymore. I am not looking for support with this post, just saying how I feel and where I am coming from, venting.

Hi @Lilly6 , good to see you. I'm sorry though that things are tough. And that the Lifeline call didn't make you feel supported 😞

Well done for getting through ti somehow when every day is so hard. I know the feeling and it all seems impossible, doesn't it...

I hope you start on the upward trend soon. You seem to go in cycles, am I right?

I'm doing OK thanks.

Thank you @NatureLover yes it definitely happens in cycles and when I am really tired. Christmas and New year were super busy with work, stressful due to my daughter getting covid and my never ending sinus. Time to take a step back and do some self care I think. I think then things will look a bit brighter again.
Glad you are doing ok.

@Lilly6

That is a lot of pressure, work, family with covid, as well as the the typical pressures around christmas. Glad you have gotten through it.

There are more people in the community with covid with Omicron. Was your daughter very ill? It would have been hard to keep socially distanced and not catch it yourself.

For me, it feels difficult sharing and being open about 'all of life' with a psychologist who is 'in it' for the money or as a cushy job. I am even starting to put that out in sessions I have. I have been looking at quora groups and watching discussions among therapists that has been more helpful than any I saw. Help me get a sense of perspective.

Thank you @NatureLover yes it definitely happens in cycles and when I am really tired. Christmas and New year were super busy with work, stressful due to my daughter getting covid and my never ending sinus. Time to take a step back and do some self care I think. I think then things will look a bit brighter again.
Glad you are doing ok.

Hi @Appleblossom I had some good sleep today and am now feeling much better. I think I forget a lot of how essential sleep really is. I am going to really make an effort to focus on self care and my health, including mental health, this year. This will help me deal with both work and general life pressures better.

My daughter was quite unwell for a couple of days with flu like symptoms, she visited us here in Qld for Christmas Day (stayed with friends for a few days before that) so then returned to Sydney and told us December 27 she had tested positive which meant we had to isolate too (not her fault!). She lives in Sydney so no massive risk of us catching it other than Christmas Day. None of us here caught it thankfully but I have had to isolate again afterwards due to my sinus issues which meant work protocols had to be followed (again negative thankfully 😅). My sister and I are going to Sydney in April to see my daughter and celebrate my sister’s 50th which was postponed from January due to covid.

As for my psychologist, I think she actually does care but the psych practice itself is definitely in it for the money in my opinion. I often do not feel supported especially in between sessions however generally feel I have made a lot of progress. It has been really hard generally as it has made me face my feelings regarding my childhood and towards my mother so totally up and down there too.

You looking at Quora groups sounds interesting - would be a very interesting perspective to view things from that’s for sure! Would definitely provide perspective. Do you find your sessions helpful in general?

Hi @Appleblossom @NatureLover @Shaz51 @Former-Member @utopia

I finally got some decent sleep and feel a lot better today. Ready to work some more towards better bodily and mental health. I apologise for the doom and gloom posts yesterday also.
On a positive note, I am going to foster a pregnant Mumma cat soon which will be very interesting!

Hi @Lilly6 , please don't apologise for depressed posts! That's what this forum is for 🙂

I'm so glad you got some good sleep and that yesterday was a better day.

Was also glad to read you're making progress in therapy 🙂

@Lilly6

Fostering a mumma cat sounds great.

I am actually looking around at new cat options, but going slow ...

That is good you are feeling benefit from the sessions.

My weird situation is that I had substantial study in the field but had no idea how actually dysfunctional my childhood was. Most of clinical experiences have been below par, honestly, but have kept me alive. More my discipline in keeping with appointments than any feelings, connections, or information I recieved. The reality of have a meeting with another human in the room and being able to just be me without any filter or requirement to put others' needs before my own.

I am grateful for our public health system, as mostly it as been tax payer funded with gap fees. I have been doing therapy since early 1980s! but always on a shoestring. Like my sister I put all my spare money into therapy, but there was not much spare after rent, bills and food. I was doing primal therapy, which cost me a lot, while I was studying .

When I finally had the time to see psychologists on a regular basis I hoped they would have worked with me on clear issues, but that has not been the case. So the sessions "propped" my physical body up, and gave me superficial polite interactions in a clinical settng, but I have always been the one looking and researching for answers.

Recently an OT gave me a couple of handouts that I thought were good, but she would not reflect or work on them with me. I gave her postive feedback, but have since limited contact to bare minimum, telling her she costs too much, not to take it personally. I have also worked as a professional, and feel giving out handouts does not justify charging nearly quadruple what I charged while I gave a lot more substance, plus provided a comfortable room with instruments and handouts.

So I am moving on from my needy people pleasing style, to a more mature critical perspective. Not ungrateful, but no longer a 6 year old.. Also got a wicked thought of charging DHS for 16 years of 24/7 slave labour.... long story ... I am tired of people with "my kind of background" being cast as irresponsible when our labour is not acknowledged.

Sorry, I made it about me ... maybe triggered by fostering word ... hope you do not mind my sharing. I can delete it if you want ... I am never sure how much ... is appropriate ...so also can seem abrupt as I self censor a lot. ....

Take Care

Thanks @NatureLover 😊 I am glad too