Always the darkness

Welcome to the forums, @Highprofile. I hope you find support and community here.

Hello beautiful friend @still_bookish 😘

We don't know what the new school year will look like yet but I may not even be back for the first few weeks. At this stage it will be mandatory to wear masks to teach and I cannot do that all day - too triggering and I just cannot breath. I am seeing my GP tomorrow - for a few things - and to come up with a possible plan - don't know what we can do but it is really weighing on me.

How are you Hon?

I really hope you and your GP can come up with a plan that will ease your stress a little, @Zoe7. And also that it’s easy to sort things out with the school. Your health is definitely the priority.

I am … still here. Not great, but what’s new. The P2 masks I ordered still haven’t been sent yet and I need to go and get food. (I haven’t been out of the house since December and things are getting a bit Old Mother Hubbard here.) It’s such head-screw to be fighting so hard for survival in terms of COVID while living with chronic suicidality. Anyway, it is what it is.

I hope things go well tomorrow. 💚

'Still here' is enough for me @still_bookish ❤️ ...and look how far you have actually come - you not only summoned the courage to reach out back here but have ordered masks - both of those things tell me there is still some hope there Hon. I do very much remember those dark days when I really wanted out - I still have those days but more as a thought not a possible action. So for now my dear friend I am going to sit with you with those thoughts, hold your hand and let you know I am with you because you matter, you are loved and you are worthy 💖💖💖

Just a check in @still_bookish to let you know I am thinking of you 💖

Thank you for your kind words, @Zoe7. I really appreciate your kindness. I am here for Edie, because she needs me to be. I have to stay for her. There’s not really any hope in there. But hope is dangerous. I think it’s safer for me to avoid it.

I have my first appointment in six weeks with my psychologist tomorrow. I’m dreading it. It just feels so unsafe. I hate that it has ended up this way after 8 years of working together. I miss the old her. Oh well. It is what it is. I’m not well enough to fix the situation right now.

I checked back a little on another thread and saw that you worked out a plan with your GP. I know everything is still extremely big-time-anxiety-making, but I hope it feels a little better to have a plan in place? It sounds like you have a great GP.

Wishing you a relaxing/productive/(whatever you need it to be) week. Thank you for being you. 💚

That would be stressful for you @still_bookish It is so hard when that relationship breaks down for us and I very much hear you on not being ell enough right now to 'fix' it - ie. find someone else or work on regaining some of the of relationship back. Is there a point where you realised it was not working or a specific 'issue' that turned everything for you? For me there were 2 points - one came when I felt more traumatised by being there than not, then had a break and when I went back realised that there was no more that could be offered in that relationship. Sometimes what we need at a point in time is not what we need later - and that is okay.

Yes my GP is wonderful - has been all the way through. I am still feeling anxious about it all but I know I have her support in whatever eventuates. She wanted me to take the first month at least off but I know I would be even more stressed if I did not at least try to start with the kids. I will have a week with them (if I can do it) before I see her again to reassess. It does very much depend on the latest departmental guidelines and restrictions which could change at any time ...so wait and see.

I am going to keep holding onto that hope for you sweetheart. I know oh so well that 'staying here for our fur babies' - been there, got the t-shirt lol I knew when I started pushing them away I was in serious trouble - and at the time I did not care - but I continued to look after them and their continued love pulled me through - as well as the wonderful friends on here. So I am so glad you have Edie and I will continue to sit here with you, send you love and let you know I care 💖💖💖

Thinking of you today, @Zoe7. I hope you're having a great first day with the kids. Are they students you already know, or fresh faces? Either way, I hope it’s a wonderful beginning to the school year and not too exhausting for you.

I’m sorry I haven’t checked in sooner. I didn’t realise it had been quite so many days. Thank you, as always, for your kindness. 💚

Hello also to anyone else who reads this. I hope the day is/was kind to you, too.

Hey my gorgeous @still_bookish Day 1 was tiring but good - today much the same but loving it. I have 4 kids from last year but taught them all for Art as well - so I know them already pretty well. They are a very eclectic bunch but soooo adorable. It will take time to get them into routines and settled but we have done a lot of play and quiet times when they needed it. Today was lovely - we decided to unpack some more boxes that had maths resources in them and the little sweethearts starting sorting everything without me asking ...I was beside myself with gratitude and pure amazement - they are going to be a lovely bunch of kids to teach and I am honestly really happy.

Every time you check in is a good day for me Hon - no pressure whatsoever in being here more than you can. How are you doing? ...or is that a silly question 😔 Sending you a big hug and some extra love - suspect you need it 💖💖💖

Just letting you know I’m thinking of you, @Zoe7. I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I keep trying to be here but it’s too much. I haven’t been able to read back to see how things are for you or how work is going. I hope life is being kind to you. 💚

I hope life is also being kind to anyone else who reads this. Take care and stay safe, everyone. 🌷