What to take for emotional pain?

Hello everyone. Just writing to express my pain. I don't know what else to do.

My unit refurbishment was completed on Wednesday – as much as they are going to do, anyway. I've never heard of painting which didn't include skirting boards, timber surrounds on door frames and cupboard doors, but that is how it has been left. Anyway, the carpet went down – a different colour from the one I was expecting, but it is the most practical from the six offered. I'd call the colour grey-brown. It had the effect of flattening the mood of the unit so yesterday I bought a gorgeous rug to lift the mood. I'm going to paint my table top too. Perhaps red to really brighten the place up. I'm currently washing all my trinkets from my display cabinet, and things will be back in order soon. What then?

I was suicidal recently – seriously so, and you all pulled me out of it. It doesn't last long and I'm thoroughly lost again. I have no idea what I am going to do. I have finished my course and enrolled for another beginning in January. That's five weeks away.

I am not in immediate danger and, as always, am not a danger to others, but I think about suicide. Not today, not tomorrow but when I simply can't take any more of this pain.

My family are causing me the most pain and are enjoying it all. I am doing my unit up so that when they come to collect my things, they will remember who they once were. But perhaps that would be wishful thinking. Perhaps they prefer underachievement and becoming their lesser selves. That they are doing this to me shows what I was contending with in my marital home. There is a basketball term that is appropriate – all-on-one. That is what my marriage and family was like. It extended throughout my kinship group. I had no allies. I have no allies.

When my unit is tidy again, I'll feel like I am in Alladin's cave. But I have no-one to share it with, and perhaps their sensibilities would be different to mine anyway. This sure is a 'funny' world, and relationships are beyond me, it seems.

I can't take much more. I have so much to offer and there is no-one in the real world I would offer my friendship to, so far. People my age have homes, careers, families, wealth. I have been systematically stripped of mine. I used to call it asset stripping, but hadn't realized the person I was discussing it with was asset stripping me in the most devastating and complete way possible. How he must have enjoyed his subterfuge.

I guess I just wanted to express my pain. I'm hurting so badly and don't know what to do. I don't think my ex-psychiatrist would have been so careless as to leave a door open for me that led to a contented and fulfilled life. That wasn't in his game plan. I don't know what to do.