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MildolynCasual Contributor02 Dec 2021, 12:13 am AEDT

New to the forum

Hi. I am new to this site. I used to use an old forum site years ago for support but haven't needed to again until now. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder along with borderline personality disorder. I am high functioning and as such have struggled to get help over the years. I'm pretty stable these days and have even been told I have "recovered" from bpd. To be honest I truly question this idea of recovery. I may not meet all the criteria I once did for bpd but the pervasive and what I consider to be flawed parts of who I fundamentally am as a person that aligns with traits of bpd is still there. I just know how to manage it better these day. I'd love to connect with anyone that may feel similarly about themselves. I feel quite lost at the moment and don't really know where to turn.

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In response to: New to the forum

MildolynCasual Contributor02 Dec 2021, 10:27 pm AEDT

Re: New to the forum

It’s so great you still engage with therapy. I’ve done a fair bit of it myself over time but then it’s like I’m not exhibiting behaviours any more so I must be ‘cured’ or recovered. I know I am very lucky to be able to manage my symptoms mostly by myself these days. And I am grateful for this. I still struggle to resist the urges to self destruct though. I can do it because the stakes are higher than they used to be. I have a very happy life with my wife and don’t want to jeopardise that. Despite this it is still at times difficult to resist the urges to engage in maladaptive behaviours. I also have such a strong feeling of not knowing who I am. The imposter syndrome. This is probably what frustrates me the most. The emptiness and lack of purpose that overcomes me at times. I feel like I’m rambling but it is good to be able to get this out of my head and share with others. Thank you if you read this far 🙂

In response to: New to the forum

NatureLoverSenior Contributor03 Dec 2021, 10:50 am AEDT

Re: New to the forum

Hi @Hoping-for-Hope , no, I don't have chronic pain although I've had it in the past. I'm sorry to hear about yours 😥

I want to say, Well Done for facing up to things you were previously in denial about. That's a huge, healthy step forward. 👍

@Hoping-for-Hope and @Mildolyn , don't forget to tag whoever you're responding to, using @ .

Just tagging @BPDSurvivor : see reply for you above.

In response to: New to the forum

Hoping-for-HopeCasual Contributor03 Dec 2021, 6:55 pm AEDT

Re: New to the forum

@BODSurvivor - Hopefully this works.

In response to: Re: New to the forum

Hoping-for-HopeCasual Contributor03 Dec 2021, 6:56 pm AEDT

Re: New to the forum

Doh. @BPDSurvivor

In response to: New to the forum

BPDSurvivorSenior Contributor03 Dec 2021, 8:19 pm AEDT

Re: New to the forum

@Hoping-for-Hope , I think feeling socially excluded depends on who you hang out with. With some, I feel excluded, while with others I 'fit in' but can't be bothered with the effort of forming relationships... I keep so busy that I don't have a chance of feeling excluded. If anything, people always invite me to join them but I don't make the time or effort to. I hope that will change in the future as I know I need it for my own growth.

@Mildolyn , yes, I have a close touch with my treatment team. Nowadays, I see them for a chat rather than focused therapy which I've done in the past. I feel this type of therapy is an outlet for me just to have an ear to debrief to. Like you, I no longer exhibit the intense BPD traits. Notwithstanding, I still have them but on a much lesser scale. Each of the BPD traits lies on a continuum. At my worse, I had every BPD trait at the extreme level. Now, I still have them all but at a much much lower intensity. That includes suicidal ideation. Golly gosh, people can't understand how I can love life yet have chronic suicidal ideation. But I do. That's just it. I've come to accept that these are only thoughts that come and go. Once in a while, I do fall and give in to these thoughts, but much less now.

Im actually so pleased with how far you have come in your recovery @Mildolyn . I know it doesnt mean perfection, but at least it reminds us we are human!

Im so happy to speak openly about my BPD journey. I feel an immense liberation when I do. If this helps @Mildolyn , please continue to share. I'd be more than happy to listen.

BPDSurvivor

In response to: Re: New to the forum

BPDSurvivorSenior Contributor03 Dec 2021, 8:21 pm AEDT

Re: New to the forum

Thanks for tagging me @NatureLover !

In response to: Re: New to the forum

BPDSurvivorSenior Contributor03 Dec 2021, 9:27 pm AEDT

Re: New to the forum

And @Hoping-for-Hope , I forgot to mention. I find it interesting about the correlation between chronic pain and BPD. It sort of makes sense because the emotional pain related to BPD is by far more painful than any physical pain... perhaps that's always why self harm is so prevalent in people with BPD.

As for me, I have chronic pain in my feet due to arthritis and a bone disease. For many, this can be seen as a disease related to old age.... unfortunately I'm only in my 30s. It's so bad that there are days I cannot walk. I've been on strong medication, steroid injections... the lot. But the pain is still there.

In response to: Re: New to the forum

NatureLoverSenior Contributor04 Dec 2021, 8:11 am AEDT