Living with Loneliness

@MDT- I'm glad you can relate. I guess you too have seen the transition into a world dominated by social media. I'm in my early 40s - not that old, but I've seen some big changes in tech. I can only imagine how a 100-year-old must feel, the world is such a different place than it was in that person's youth. But I digress. You're so right about the meaning in our communication being the important thing. That's my main struggle with loneliness. Intelligent conversations, and good friends who will just check in to see you're okay on a semi-regular basis are a true rarity. I want more of that stuff.

@MDT, I'm a fan of the concept of injecting genuineness into the world. I also agree that coming from a place of anguish is a tricky place to start it from. As @Lila3 pointed out, people like to keep it light - coming from a place of anguish can lead to overshare in the wrong places maybe, or stepping into dark territory without fully feeling out whether the other person is in a space to receive it. Is that what you were referring to?

As for asking people how they are, messaging someone you've not spoken to in a while, those are really important things in connection. My struggle with them is that I've found I can have really good and genuine conversations in the moment (i.e. with colleagues when we chat at work, maybe with someone I've checked in on) and they fill a niche, but it's always me that initiates those. If I'm quiet for a while, if I'm out of sorts, etc. it is so rare that anyone checks in on me or seems to give a damn, it's always about them. That's where I get to feeling really lonely.

I agree about the "covid shut down". I do think that the struggles many of us had pre-covid have magnified significantly. Mine sure have, I've a seriously immune compromised partner who is in constant danger because of it. I am hypervigilant over hygiene measures for his sake, so going out means showering, washing clothes, wiping down anything I buy - it's exhausting, so I do it less. My social energy is low as a result. Others may not be so hypervigilant but have their own stresses and fears, and so many of us end up turning inward as a result.

I don't know the long term changes that we will have to face re covid. I do agree it is a hard time to be young. I'm sure every generation has their struggles thus, but this is our time and what we have to face. It sucks, it's hard. I hope you do get to travel, and I especially hope you get to fall in love.

I'm in such a different space in my life. I do have the good fortune of having an amazing partner. If only (unlike society tacitly tells us) a partner was all that we needed to not feel lonely - though I do feel markedly less so than I did. The thing is we also need family, we need friends. We need different perspectives, and people who get us out of our awkward little ruts sometimes, who are willing to say "Hey, you okay?" when we haven't been around a while. As I said, my partner is amazing. The twist is that his beautiful nature really puts a spotlight on how rubbish everyone else in my life has been. His life in general does. I see him with parents that care and support him, I see him with a best friend who talks to him daily. I am so grateful he has those things. I also wish I could have that too. My upbringing was a huge lesson in being shown I don't matter to my parents. Most of my friendships have fizzled sooner or later if I don't remain the driving force, they have told me I don't matter to them. Except with my partner I lack trust in the connections I have, and as lame as it sounds, I do periodically seek reassurance from him. Is he real? Do I actually have a consistent, emotionally available human being in my life? It took me over 30 years to find him, I went through hell beforehand, there's always that vague expectation I'll be cast back into the fire. Loneliness is no simple matter, it's so much more than whether a person is physically present.

AFK.

@MDT - glad I have properly grasped where you were coming from. It is both good (for solidarity) and unfortunate you understand that thing about how we check in on others but they don't check in on us. It's an awful feeling.

Yup, that's me, I'm big on deep themes. I appreciate you listening, and acknowledging whilst also putting it plainly that you want some time to mull it over. Even that is a rare thing, so I accept when you call me "friend", there is some meaning in it. Thank you.

Kind thoughts,

AFK.

I have just spent my second Easter Sunday alone. I also spent last Christmas Day alone. I live alone so spend most of my time alone. I try to be kind to myself. I do jigsaw puzzles, intricate Lego, crochet, sew, read, walk, go to gym, swim and study. I could not work for three years due to my mental health. I commenced a new career this year as a support worker. So now I am able to talk to different people on a daily basis. It is exhausting sometimes (physically and emotionally), but good for me to feel that I belong somewhere. I am also estranged from my large (very judgemental) family. I have recently commenced a research thesis at university on borderline personality disorder in women. I was diagnosed with BPD over three years ago and had never heard of it. So I have had a very interesting (to put it nicely) experience with BPD since diagnosis. It has only added to my loneliness as I now question everything I do and say. I have never joined a forum as I have always steered clear of online "communities". But, it is 2022 and I am doing different things (like work and study) and I want to make it to the end of the year and feel that I have made progress to be proud of. Loneliness is a growing epidemic throughout the world, but there are worse things. Well that is what I tell myself! Have a good week everyone.