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How to keep going when nothing matters

jsm74Senior Contributor31 Oct 2021, 7:06 pm AEDT

How to keep going when nothing matters

I suffer from anxiety and major depression which, as luck would have it, is treatment resistant. My wife at some point stopped loving me (likely due to her own issues), but we're still living together mainly for financial reasons on her end. She was hands down the best thing that ever happened to me, so I should be grateful for the past 8 years, but I only feel like my world died.

I was referred to the clinic at a VERY well-known organization (don't think I can say the name) fot TMS treatment and my referral was accepted. They only do assessments on Friday afternoons, so I had to swap days at work next week. Then I got a call on Thursday saying that the doctor who does the assessments now can't and that I'll have to reschedule for the following week, but I can't swap and definitely can't afford the day off.

I have no friends or family, so I'm completely alone in the world. Even organizations who are meant to care clearly don't. Perhaps the worst part is that I no longer care about anything anymore and simply don't see the point in continuing. My plan is to take out a life insurance policy so that I can at least do that for my wife, but I'll have to ride out the 13 month suicide clause, but I don't know how to keep going until then. I'm so sick of swinging between crying every time I'm alone (which is most of the time) and feeling empty, then having to act happy and enthusiastic at work (I teach at uni).

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In response to: How to keep going when nothing matters

jsm74Senior Contributor02 Nov 2021, 2:23 pm AEDT

Re: How to keep going when nothing matters

Thank you for your response and concern, but unfortunately I don't have anyone else at all. I still live with my wife, but she is going through her own issues and has no space for me at all. I geniunely do not think that she gives me a second thought. Like everyone else I've ever cared about who has gotten to know me, she has lost all feeling for me, so it is actually worse being around her. Just a reminder of how little I mean to people.

In response to: Re: How to keep going when nothing matters

DaisydreamerSenior Contributor02 Nov 2021, 2:46 pm AEDT

Re: How to keep going when nothing matters

@jsm74 it sounds like there is a lot you are carrying on your shoulders, and feeling like you are doing that alone must be so hard at times.

Feeling like we aren't valued by the people in our lives is really painful, and it sounds like being home with your wife at the moment is a hard space to sit in. I'm really sorry to hear you haven't been valued by the important people in your life in the way that you deserve to be valued.

I hope you feel here in this community you can be heard and valued. When you are feeling alone, we are always here to lend a listening ear should you need one. Have you found connection and support here in the forums so far? And do you feel you could reach out here overnight if you need someone to chat with about the loss of your friend?

In response to: Re: How to keep going when nothing matters

jsm74Senior Contributor02 Nov 2021, 3:01 pm AEDT

Re: How to keep going when nothing matters

It is good to feel heard, but I also know that there are limits to talking to people who don't know me. My wife was always the best support for me, not because of anything she said or did, but simply because I could always feel her love. I generally never even had to talk about my problems, as that feeling was always enough. Now I feel no love from anywhere at all, only emptiness. Talking about things is cathartic, but only to a point because ultimately I'm still unloved and alone. I think the ony thing that could possibly help me would be to erase the past 10 years or so of my life, but unfortunately even the effects of ECT don't go back that far.

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