How to keep going when nothing matters

Hi @jsm74 ,

I'm sorry to hear how tough things are.

I have to say that I've also sailed through the storm of depression - I saw no way out. Outwardly, I was living the best life but really living a lie. I was empty and miserable. I didn't see any hope.

Today, tables have turned. It's been a long journey spanning over nearly two decades, but I can honestly say I love life.

Today, I'd like to challenge the idea of 'treatment resistant' MH conditions. Is this simply an exit ticket for someone who doesn't have an answer for you? I don't believe it is fair to say someone is 'treatment resistant' purely because who we perceive as professionals are out of their depth.

This term 'treatment resistent' takes away all hope. You yourself work at uni... look into the research surrounding treatment-resistant conditions. Let you be the judge. Please don't let this term takeaway your desire to search for help.

Im saying this because I've been down that road. Until I finally found someone who saw Hope on me and gave me hope. That's why I can share my story today.

Take care,

BPDSurvivor

Hi @jsm74, thanks for sharing here. I'm sorry to hear how challenging your mental health has been. Treatment resistant anxiety/depression sounds very awful. I can understand that life can feel so so dark with depression that it becomes hard to see any kind of light or reason to be here. I am glad you are here with us and I truly hope you find a sense of connection here. It's hopeful to hear you are giving TMS a try. I hope you are able to get that assessment done very soon.

Take good care,

Sphinxly.

Not sure if I'll even be able to give tms a try. There is one other provider in Sydney, so I'll guess I'll give them a go. I'm trying to avoid ECT just because of the prolonged hospital stay involved. There is no way I can afford six weeks off work.

Ultimately I've been headed this way my whole life. I tried to suicide a couple of times when I was younger, so I'm actually quite shocked that I've lasted this long, particularly given the fact that my life has been little more than a series of mistakes and miscalculations. The few people who have really known me have all left at some point. The rest I was able to deal with, but my wife is another matter altogether. Perhaps she was just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, I don't know.

I am fully aware that she is only using me as a security blanket at this point, but as painful as it is to be around her I can't bring myself to abandon her. I still love her, or at least the 'her' that I married and that I know is still in there somewhere, so I guess it still gives me a sense of purpose. However, it is going to end at some point (once I've outlived my utility), so I'm just not sure what to do when that happens. I still have 13 months to get through.

I really hear how difficult things have been for you @jsm74. I too struggled with treatment resistant depression for many years and while I'm sure our stories and journeys have been different I can relate to feelings of hoplessness and frustration which you may be feeling. I'm glad you've reached out on the forums, it's so important to be heard especially when struggling. I understand that this might not be particularly helpful to hear but I was able to recover from my depression even though it was deemed treatment resistant - it was a long journey but well worth it. I really hope you're able to try the TMS, I've heard amazing things about it.

Take care, CalmingNature

Thanks so much for your response. What I think makes depression so indsidious (or at least in my case) is that I can't even see any point in trying to get better. I don't even know what that would look like. There is literally nobody in this world who genuinely cares about me and I seem to ruin everything I touch, much of the time without even knowing how, so I don't even have that as a motivation. Mental health providers really need to get a clue about their own clientele, because people with anxiety and depression are all too easily discouraged if getting help becomes difficult. They should know this. Psychiatrists all seem to suffer from emotional blunting themselves, and going to therapy generally feels like little more than the psychologist trying to run down the clock to get their $180. I've been to several and there never seems to be any real continuity between sessions. Nobody in this world seems to want to put more than a half-hearted effort into anything unless it directly benefits them. I've tried to life my life as a counterexample to this, most notably in my marriage, but it doesn't seem to have mattered at all.

@Former-Member what would you say was the key to your recovery? Anything in particular?

@jsm74 depression can be very insidious.

Everyone's journey and recovery is different but some things that really helped me was finding the right psychologist and psychiatrist for me. This did take time, is expensive and can be very draining. I agree that it can definitely feel that some psychiatrists and psychologists are there for the money and dont actually care, was is quite a horrible feeling. I do believe that there are some good ones out there though but finding them can be difficult.

I also did a couple of impatient stays at psychiatric hospitals when needed and then went on to complete outpatient DBT. This paired with the right combination and dosages of medication helped me significantly but again, finding what works for you can be a long process. It was also important for me to be open and willing to try and help myself - I was very wilful and reluctant at the start so this also took time.

I'm certainly not saying that you need to do those things, everyones experiences are unique to them and different things work for different people. I also want to acknowledge that doing these things doesn't provide a quick fix unfortunately. I found that it was very hard for me especially when I couldn't even imagine what being better even looked like as you said. It can be hard to find that motivation when this is the case but you've reached out of these forums which already shows a lot of strength as its hard to reach out and express ourselves. While I don't know you, it really sounds like you're a very resilient person even though things often seem difficult - you're still here, reaching out and seeking help which shows this strength and resilience. It sounds like you've already started making steps in the right direction and no matter how small, steps are still steps

@jsm74 - there is hope. There is recovery. Keep looking. Keep trying.

As I said, I looked for nearly 2 decades.. I finally found ONE person that cared enough to see me through. Once you have one connection, hopefully everything else will fall into place.

Thank you @Former-Member for sharing that your 'treatment resistant' depression wasn't resistant to treatment - it was about finding the right sort of treatment for you at that time.

BPDSurvivor

Things just took (yet another) turn for the worse. I attempted to get into contact with one of my two best friends in university. I hadn't talked to her in quite a long time, but I thought that if anyone would be keen to re-establish a friendship it would be her. When I googled her name, the results were all obituaries. Her name is quite unique, so I immediately knew that it couldn't be somebody else and I nearly vomitted. So now I get to grieve two lost relationships when I was already not coping with the loss of one. Sorry to whinge, but I'm trying (and failing) to hold myself together to be strong for my wife and to not break down in front of the class that I'm teaching at the moment.

Hi @jsm74,

I am so sorry for your loss, that must have been such a shock to find out about the passing of your friend in this way I'm hearing that you have a lot on your plate today, and have been trying to hold the grief in while you get through your day, is that right?. That must be so tough, and I hope that by reaching out and expressing how you are feeling here, that it helps you to get through the next few hours of teaching

Loss is something that we all feel in different ways, and I am wondering if you will have people around to support you tonight with how you feel and the processing the news of your friends passing?

I thought I might also link to griefline's helpline just in case you need an additional option for support tonight. We are sitting with you @jsm74 and please reach out to us here if you want to chat tonight. You don't have to sit with the grief alone, we are all here for you