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I can't stop living in irrational fear

OakSepticContributor26 Oct 2021, 7:19 pm AEDT

I can't stop living in irrational fear

Four years ago almost to the day my uncle died of cancer.

It was a very abrupt diagnosis and passing, he only had six weeks in between getting the news and laying on his death bed. I didn't get to see him until the day he died, and even then, by the time I arrived at the hospital at 7:38 AM, he was already dead. I saw his body, still covered in wires.

I thought, over the years, that I had coped properly. That I grieved. I went to see a psychiatrist and walked away with a diagnosis for Anxiety, Depression, and OCD. I continued on with my life and weathered the storm of COVID as best I could. Not being able to see anybody didn't effect me much, or so I thought.

Over the past few weeks I've been losing my appetite. My meals have declined per day from three to two and now to only one small dinner and maybe a snack if I'm lucky. Last week I tried to buck that trend by making myself a slice of toast. I ate half of it, threw the other half out, and burst into tears while calling my mother on the phone.

She's been taking care of me since. I'm in my mid-20's but I feel like a toddler. I can't move out of my bed until mid-afternoon. I'm not employed and I've had to drop my college courses for the time being. Every day my thoughts are plagued with the thought of death and dying, what comes next and where I'll end up when it happens. I'm not attempting to start any arguments when I say that I am not a spritual man, but not having that sort of reassurance in my life and death is paralysing sometimes.

I'm going to try grief councilling again. Due to a cancellation I have my first appointment next Thursday. I don't even know if this is the correct place to put something like this but I feel I need to talk about this lest I go insane. I'm so scared, of everything that's happening. I'm scared of inevitability and I'm scared of the future. No matter how much I'm told to live in the present it doesn't help. No one should have to live like this but all I can focus on is dying.

I've said it so much over the phone to various mental health hotlines; I don't know much about what I need right now, all I know is that I need some help.

17 replies

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In response to: I can't stop living in irrational fear

cloudcoreSenior Contributor27 Oct 2021, 12:01 pm AEDT

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

Hey @OakSeptic ,

I can see how hard this morning has been, those thoughts can be so overwhelming and scary. I know when I experienced them myself it was hard to get myself the support that I needed, I'm wondering if your family would be able to help you to the ER?

from cloudcore

In response to: Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

OakSepticContributor27 Oct 2021, 1:54 pm AEDT

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

I made it to the er. I'm writing this from my phone. Don't really know whats going to happen from here, I just feel really alone. Probably in the safest place I could be right now. Thank you for the well wishes, I'm sorry if I worried anyone.

In response to: Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

Unknown userMember27 Oct 2021, 2:16 pm AEDT

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

Hi @OakSeptic, thank you for updating us No doubt its a really intense and uncertain time, but we're here with you. Sending much support 💐

In response to: Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

PaperdaisySenior Contributor27 Oct 2021, 3:47 pm AEDT

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

@OakSeptic These thoughts are something I can relate to after watching my Dad pass away and I really empathise with your situation. I don’t have the answers, but I want you to know you’re not alone and I think you’re really strong for reaching out here. When I’m anxious I can latch onto anything that’s upset me in the past and spiral. I find nourishing food and exercise are two things that help me break out of it.

It sounds like you have good support and you’re making the right choices towards getting the help you need. Please take care and stay strong.

Paperdaisy 💝

In response to: I can't stop living in irrational fear

wellwellwellnezSenior Contributor27 Oct 2021, 6:09 pm AEDT

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

Thanks for not starting arguements and yes, spirituality has its burdens but it does aid with the grieving process. I think you're going through a version of depression to acceptance. Which can be a pretty tricky one for all of us.

When you're a spiritualist it's about transitioning from relating to the impermanent to the eternal version of that person. One way or another, i feel that is what we all go through. In a weird way, when we see how small our moments are, they magically become bigger.

Thanks for sharing the memory of your father with us. I feel touched and enriched by knowing you both.

In response to: Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

OakSepticContributor27 Oct 2021, 9:33 pm AEDT

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

It's been a long day.

I spent two hours in the waiting room of the emergency department. Had to be alone due to restrictions. I had to call lifeline again while I was waiting after having to ask the reception to cut my id wristband so the edges weren't so sharp. Took a while but eventually I got a bed. They gave me something that made me drowsy and let me doze for an hour until a psychiatrist woke me up to speak to me. He took some notes while we spoke and I I think he's going to send them through to my new psychiatrist before my appointment tomorrow. I failed to eat anything more than a sandwich while there and was discharged after five hours. It was only once I got home that I broke down sobbing in my father's arms. He's since left for work, and I got through dinner with minimal nausea after nearly a full day of no food.

I'm in my bedroom now, physically and emotionally drained. I don't know if the tablet I took in the hospital is still in my system but I'm absolutely exhausted. I think I'm going to get an early night and hope tomorrow is a better day.

Thank you for the replies and concern @Former-Member, @Paperdaisy, @wellwellwellnez. I hope everyone else's days went better than mine did.

In response to: Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

PaperdaisySenior Contributor28 Oct 2021, 9:28 am AEDT

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

@OakSeptic ED is exhausting. You're very brave and it sounds like you have a good support network. I hope you feel better after some rest and can begin to work through things.

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