OakSepticContributor
I can't stop living in irrational fear
Four years ago almost to the day my uncle died of cancer.
It was a very abrupt diagnosis and passing, he only had six weeks in between getting the news and laying on his death bed. I didn't get to see him until the day he died, and even then, by the time I arrived at the hospital at 7:38 AM, he was already dead. I saw his body, still covered in wires.
I thought, over the years, that I had coped properly. That I grieved. I went to see a psychiatrist and walked away with a diagnosis for Anxiety, Depression, and OCD. I continued on with my life and weathered the storm of COVID as best I could. Not being able to see anybody didn't effect me much, or so I thought.
Over the past few weeks I've been losing my appetite. My meals have declined per day from three to two and now to only one small dinner and maybe a snack if I'm lucky. Last week I tried to buck that trend by making myself a slice of toast. I ate half of it, threw the other half out, and burst into tears while calling my mother on the phone.
She's been taking care of me since. I'm in my mid-20's but I feel like a toddler. I can't move out of my bed until mid-afternoon. I'm not employed and I've had to drop my college courses for the time being. Every day my thoughts are plagued with the thought of death and dying, what comes next and where I'll end up when it happens. I'm not attempting to start any arguments when I say that I am not a spritual man, but not having that sort of reassurance in my life and death is paralysing sometimes.
I'm going to try grief councilling again. Due to a cancellation I have my first appointment next Thursday. I don't even know if this is the correct place to put something like this but I feel I need to talk about this lest I go insane. I'm so scared, of everything that's happening. I'm scared of inevitability and I'm scared of the future. No matter how much I'm told to live in the present it doesn't help. No one should have to live like this but all I can focus on is dying.
I've said it so much over the phone to various mental health hotlines; I don't know much about what I need right now, all I know is that I need some help.
