What to do?

Hello everyone. I'm feeling very alone and low at the moment. I submitted my second assignment today and that had been keeping me going. I could lose myself in it and forget the mess of my life. I can start on my next assignment – but that will only keep me going for another 6 weeks. What do I do then? Another course? That would be fine if I had friends and other activities, but I don't. And I know how it will turn out if I try that avenue again. It simply never works out and is only a short-term option. It seems I can only maintain myself in life if I'm in complete isolation. I'm so very sad and broken.

What is wrong with me? I don't know what I'm doing wrong! I'm the best person I can be, but have never fitted in in my life. Only if I am the underdog of the group – and those days are gone. I just want to be liked as everyone else is, but I seem to wear an invisible sign which reads "She's not one of us". And I can't counter it no matter how hard I try. I've even wondered how I could change the sign – perhaps the one on the back could read "but neither am I - so let's make her welcome too!".

I started taking anti-depressants several days ago and if you know me and my attitude to medication – you'll understand that I am feeling very low. I can't just weather it this time. I know I'm on borrowed time and it's really hard to keep going. Another forumite opened a conversation on suicide in recent days and I didn't want to get into the subject at that time. I wanted to say "me too!"

Hell! Life is such a trial when you have no-one and no-one you can trust. There are organizations for everything and everyone, it seems, but nothing which fits me.

I feel that life is squeezing me out. It makes me fully aware of how our elders must feel. Everyone watching and waiting. I always thought that must feel dreadful knowing everyone is waiting for you to die. Now I know it is.

I don't know what to do. I really don't want to die. I still have so much living to do. I thought I had a lot to offer. I'm sure I do.

Why can't I get out of this mess? Why do some of us get such a raw deal?