Living a lie

Thank you so much for tagging me @Eve7 💙

Hi and welcome to the forum @ApricotJam

I get what you mean about living a lie because I have been living that lie for a very very long time too. I also suffer with SH. I have tried alternatives too but always seem to go back to what I usually do which is not great as it gets me a little pickle sometimes needing medical attention.
I have actually just been admitted today to start my EMDR therapy treatment. I will be in hospital for 4 weeks. It sounds like you are doing yours as an outpatient. Would that be correct?
I have heard a lot about the program and it has all been positive. I have spoken to a few women who have done EMDR and they say it was the hardest thing they have ever had to do but it has been the best thing they have done too. It comes highly recommended. I wish you all the very best with the program and I am happy to answer any question you may have or if you just want to chat with someone who is going through it right now I am just a tag away.
take care and be strong.

Thanks so much @Lee82 yes. I am doing mine outpatient. Seeing my psychologist weekly. I have meant to been doing it for about 12 months but I only feel now after seeing her (not as regularly) that I trust her enough that when I ask to stop, she will be able to decide if I need to actually stop or if it is just confronting. I have also changed it to weekly appts. At the moment we are working on some "easy" cognitive beliefs based on trauma experience- although I'm not sure easy is quite the phrase I would use.

I'm really interested in how it might work as an inpatient as doing it then having to return to wrk or even just go home by myself is certainly a challenge.

it would be lovely to chat with you and hear about your experiences as i don't know of anyone doing It and it does seem a bit whacky - even though there is a solid evidence base for ptsd.

I am so exhausted after my sessions and I feel that my head keeps "working on things" for the next little while. My eyes also get a bit weary with the eye movements.

I am sorry that you have struggled with SH - it is very comforting esp when we have to front up for medical treatment but it is a non- negotiable - if it needs care - it needs care. One thing I am proud of is that "I SH responsibly".

one thing I struggle a little with is to drop my lie with my psych - she knows that I have these different parts of my life althat are incongruent and we have chatted about this, it's something I can share with her, and when it comes to SH behaviours "I do it responsibly" so I am always honest with how I am travelling with her however when doing the EMDR it is hard as things are so raw and feel a little out of control because I am never sure what is going to come up or how I am going to react to stuff. Although I know in order to get the most out of it - honesty. Openness and trust are the only way to do it properly. To be honest it feels like a bit of a last option for me in order to address some things.

i really hope your therapy goes well @Lee82

@I would love to hear how you are going but I understand that it may be a challenging time for you also so I have no expectations. Congratulations on taking the steps to give it a go. I will be thinking of you a lot.

@BPDSurvivor @it really sounds like you have had an amazing journey with amazing outcomes. It is so wonderful to hear a positive outcome - gives some hope. I have done some DBT - is this the program you were talking about? It didn't work for me as I was unable to be present in the sessions due to trauma response. But I might go back over the emotional regulation stuff. Although as you have mentioned. Until the issue is sorted - then the unhealthy patterns of behaviour will continue. Although I think focussing in some of the emotional reg and wise mind strategies may be helpful with some of the ptsd stuff I experience.

it's wonderful that you have had a good experience with MH system. I have felt very fortunate with my experiences with the MH system also.

I would love to hear what emotional regulation things you have found helpful

Thanks @Anastasia MH sure can be a lonely and shameful journey. Whilst I don't want anyone to know what goes on for me, sometimes i want people people to know that I am trying so hard and sometimes just turning up to work is everything I can do, having said that I am a teacher so there is very much a " lie" required.

@Anastasia @Kyzik @Sam3

Welcome to the teaching world @ApricotJam ! I'm a teacher too, so I know what it is to front up with a smile on your face, teach the whole day, then run home a mess....

I wish there was more support for teachers. I have a work colleague who was going through a terrible time at home, ended up hospitalised, and in hospital continued to teach online because she "didn't want to let the kids down". I cried when I heard this. It's not an easy occupation.

I think I can go on forever on this topic, but moving back to therapy for emotional regulation. My therapy was MBT - mentalisation based therapy. It is relatively new and I guess hard to access. I completed it in Melbourne through Spectrum (a specialist service for personality disorders). Unfortunately, it is extremely difficult to access Spectrum's services. Due to the intensity of the treatment, a maximum of only 45 patients go through each year.

Looking back, MBT was the basis for which I developed a new way of approaching challenges. Instead of lashing out and harming myself, I gradually learnt different ways of thinking so that situations did not stir up such intense feelings and emotions. Previously, SH was the result of me not being able to communicate all that was bottled up in me - the pain, anguish, trauma, and frustration.

MBT gave me practise in communicating during group therapy. Over the course of 18 months, everyone spoke whether they wanted to or not. Speaking and communicating was like having a pressure valve release. The more I spoke (in this safe environment), the more the pressure was released. I think that's why I no longer felt the need to SH.

Moving on, I sure hope your EMDR therapy works. But like many therapies, people need to know recovery requires a lot of work on the consumer's part. It's not easy, and no magic pill will declare you "recovered for life".

Looking to hear from you,

BPDSurvivor

Hey @ApricotJam - I totally get how you feel. To outsiders, I have it all together. Good job, great marriage, financially solid, etc. And all of that's true, I guess. But very few people understand how hard it is to keep any of that going with the stuff that's going on in my brain daily. So many times I've been close to ruining all of it because I wanted to just run away.

One thing that's helped me is being married to someone who may have his own issues, but doesn't have the mental illness I do. And he feels like an impostor too. Not the way I do, or probably the way you do, but none of us are alone in doubting our ability unless we have a very different issue with narcissism or psychopathy.

I feel you!

My entire life feels like a lie.

Time I feel like I'm doing great, and then bam... I'm history is repeat itself. Why am I like this? Why do I do what I do?

I just want to be "nornal"

That's an inspiring story @BPDSurvivor Great to know the MH system can be effective & you can be so resilient despite no family support 👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼

Hey @Lee82 I hope your inpatient is going ok. Have been th Making of Yu. Couldn’t get the not forums with password issues but All sorted now.

Hey @Cchey

I just want to be normal too. But is anyone normal? I just want to also have some quiet from my thoughts.

Anyone got got any good suggestions for some quiet? @Sam3 @BPDSurvivor I can’t do meditation/breathing body connection stuff. But just a bit of time away from my head would be ace.

Hey @ApricotJam ,

Im usually quite adept with my words, but was sort of stumped in coming up with ideas for you LOL.

I used to always say 'I just want to be normal' and 'I just want to be happy'.

Nowadays, I wouldn't describe myself as 'happy' so much, but more 'satisfied' and 'content'. However, I have to admit that I did have really 'happy' days recently. Now, I'm just content.

As for 'normal'. It's such a relative term. I don't classify myself to be 'normal' yet I'm really glad I'm not normal. Normal is BORING. I believe that as long as someone can function effectively in society, it doesn't matter how 'normal' or 'abnormal' they are. Open to interpretation of course.

What do you think @ApricotJam @Sam3 @Cchey @altravocap @Lee82 ?

Now @ApricotJam ... brainstorming activities... for me to find quiet, I sleep. That's about it!
If I want to stop thinking, I do mindless sedentary tasks such as stare at a screen. I could also go for a walk or bike ride.

Conversely, the activities I've mentioned above can also be done with full alertness. Hence, I guess it's how you approach an activity rather than the activity itself.

So to get time away from my own head, I distract myself with other things.

Sorry, I'm not much of a help there!

Good to hear from you anyway.

BPDSurvivor