Living a lie

Hello and welcome @ApricotJam .

As with many members here, I too can certainly resonate with "living a lie".

With the challenges of borderline personality disorder egging me on, I felt I demonstrated one person, but lived another.

Everyone outside saw me as a highly capable, confident person. Yet deep down, I had deep sorrows which often manifested itself in the form of SH. Only those closest to me saw this side of me. What hurt me the most was when these people closest to me said, "how come you are perfect for others, but terrible to us? This means you can control it." In other words, I was a living lie and acting out to manipulate people. I am still very much wounded by these words, but to move on, I've boiled it down to "they didn't understand my condition".

Moving forward several years, I've changed. I no longer feel I am living a lie. With much therapy, ive learnt who I really am, and have learnt to accept who I am. I think this is the beginning.

My heart goes out to you @ApricotJam , because I can feel your pain.

Hugs, BPDSurvivor

You're amazing @BPDSurvivor

Hey @BPDSurvivor - i definitely get the whole other people saying you can control it in certain situations, so that means you do have control - Do they not understand that I too have thought about this - every time I do it - They don't see the incredible frustration, anger and shame that I feel surrounding what I do.
@Kyzik I understand your thoughts on SH - however for me - it is the best option I have at the moment. It gets to a point when you are already wearing long sleeves and pants that scars doesn't matter - having said that - I am working towards stopping however it is a roller coaster of Hope, possibility, disappointment and shame

thanks @outlander @Eve7 @Anastasia

for even reading and comments. It is very overwhelming putting myself out here

@chibam hearing you.

This is a lot less confronting @Jynx as opposed to being told how much you need to stop.

Hearing you @ApricotJam ,

You have been flooded with responses and I believe this is because so many people can relate to how you are feeling.

Sharing your vulnerabilities can be so challenging, yet you have been brave enough to do so.

In terms of your SH, it's not the root of the issue. Unless you find out where this need for SH is coming from, it is hard to stop. SH is addictive. Believe it or not, I have never had a therapist tell me to stop self-harming. Rather, they tell me to do it safely. Why? Because they also know that unless they tackle the root of the issue, there's no point in telling me to stop.

People need to understand that SH is the bandaid for a wealth of challenges. SH itself it NOT the issue. If you can work with the emotions that are causing you to SH, then you may have an answer.

I know this because I've been there. My emotional dysregulation and frustration surfaced as SH.

Now, having tackled the emotional dysregulation and frustration, I have no need to SH. The scars are my battle wounds to prove it.

BPDSurvivor

@Kyzik @outlander @Eve7 @Anastasia

Wow @BPDSurvivor that's an amazingly powerful journey you've undertaken - all credit to you. Whilst SH is not an issue for me, what helped you with emotional regulation?

Hi @Sam3 ,

I have to give credit to those who did not give up on me. Many times I wanted to throw in the towel, but it was the MH system that took me under their wing especially since I didn't have any family support around me.

As a person diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, I had a limited understanding of myself and how my thoughts affected my actions.

I underwent 18 months of intense mentalisation based therapy involving both weekly individual and group sessions. In this therapy, much of it was practising the skill of mentalising - that is to make sense of our and others' thoughts and feelings which ultimately contribute to our actions.

I didn't feel the treatment 'worked', but at the end of the 18 months, I saw the changes in my behaviour. Then I realised the self-harm ceased. Being able to reflect on my thoughts and emotions (mentalise) gave clarity and hence helped me regulate my emotions. I haven't gone back since. I am much more in control of my actions because I can regulate my emotions much better. For example, if someone upsets me, if used to lash out in SH. Now, I stop and think about my actions and the actions of those involved (including the WHY?) before doing anything.

Hope this makes sense.

BPDSurvivor

@ApricotJam @Kyzik @outlander @Eve7