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Children not communicating

Ffm48Senior Contributor18 Sept 2016, 3:55 am AEST

Children not communicating

Hi everyone

I have no idea how I am going to get through the next few days. After having been seriously abused in every which way by my now ex-husband my children is no longer communicating with me. My son has also disallowed communication with my grandchildren. For the past four years I have tried to find out why. My children live in Europe and I in Tassie. I have now made the trip to Europe to sort things out and it's like banging your head against a brick wall. I am not allowed to see the little ones. I have been waiting for two days for him to arrange a meeting. Tomorrow I am travelling 600km to see my daughter, because tomorrow is the only time she has to see me for an hour. I've come out of major depression and suicidal tendencies in the past four years, but now it feels as though everything is falling apart. I'm at a loss as to what I can do.

Sorry for the rant, Ffm48

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In response to: Children not communicating

AppleblossomSenior Contributor18 Sept 2016, 4:22 am AEST

Re: Children not communicating

I am sorry you have travelled so far .. and to be treated that way. @Ffm48 it is very sad how abusive marriages effect all the relationships.

It seems that adult children have more 'permission' these days to cut people out of their lives and damage extended family and kinship structures.

Stay strong for your goals to make the contacts and have precious moments with your family. Protect yourself from blame and keep the black dog at bay

I am sorry that I cannot help more.

My situations is similar in that I have been cut off by one child whilst the other is overly dependent.

Honour the love in you ... .

In response to: Re: Children not communicating

Ffm48Senior Contributor18 Sept 2016, 4:36 am AEST

Re: Children not communicating

Thanks for responding @Appleblossom. I'm guessing a good part of the problem for me is now that I really have no one I can talk to here. If I'm to travel tomorrow I have to stop crying and right now the flood gates are wide open. At the moment I have the sense the abuse is continuing with the next generation. How on earth can a conversation take place, when neither of them permits it. My son won't even give me his phone number and I'm fobbed off at the front door. At the moment I feel like a worthless piece of sh*t.

In response to: Children not communicating

KurraSenior Contributor18 Sept 2016, 7:15 am AEST

Re: Children not communicating

Hi @Ffm48

Alone in a foreign country can be difficult foŕ many people add to this the fact you have been shunned and shut out by your own son would be beyond devestating. I would certainly need help if I were iin a similar situation. If you can get hold of a local phone book, look for a GP that you can arrange to see and explain how you're feeling and why. If you're in a country that doesn’t speak English you will find that most doctors have a reasonable capacity to understand and speak English.

Obviously you have now moved on your travels to see your daughter. An hour is such a short time but it is at least an opportunity to catch up with her.

If you are not able to see a doctor contact the Australian Embassy or go to see them. They are incredibly helpful in difficult situations. Many years ago they found help for me and supported me in a very difficult and stressful situation. They may also be able to mediate with your son.

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this horrible situation. Do check back in with us when you have internet access. 💕💜💕

In response to: Re: Children not communicating

Ffm48Senior Contributor18 Sept 2016, 3:29 pm AEST

Re: Children not communicating

Thanks for your response @Kurra. I would have never thought I'dbe able to access assistance/mediation through the Embassy. We'll see what happens when I come back.

In response to: Children not communicating

utopiaSenior Contributor19 Sept 2016, 2:02 pm AEST

Re: Children not communicating

@Ffm48. I just wanted to offer you support today. I hope you and your daughter are able to make some special memories during your visit - even a short visit.
You have overcome suicidal thoughts and bouts of depression. What were the technique you used to help get you through that tough time? Use those techniques now. Practice focusing on your breath to help calm your nerves. Take a deep breath when you meet your daughter - smile.
If you find that you aren't coping - the Australian Embassy or Consulate are always there to help. Use them if you need to. They can help find you a doctor that can help further.
It's an emotional time for you - I understand. Take a deep breath - hold your head up - you can do this.
All the very best

In response to: Children not communicating

Ffm48Senior Contributor19 Sept 2016, 5:04 pm AEST

Re: Children not communicating

Thank you so much for your support; it means such a lot to me. When coming away from the abyss and working through depression I had a friend by my side who played ball, prodded and pushed and shoved. Somehow I didn't notice going all those things for him actually helped me course. Yes, I do have coping techniques. Breathing, grounding - and as strange as it may sound, the years of abuse have taught me to put my own feelings on the backburner. Clearly both my children are hurting badly and I don't know why. Do I guess I need to put my feelings aside and listen to them. Sounds easy and in scared of failing.

In response to: Children not communicating

utopiaSenior Contributor19 Sept 2016, 6:14 pm AEST

Re: Children not communicating

@Ffm48. It may be that your children blame you for the abuse they saw and went through. So you may need to be prepared to hear some blame directed at you. I hope this doesn't happen and that they are educated enough to know a woman in a domestic violence situation is powerless. But they may need to unburden themselves and they may need to hear you are sorry that you didn't have the strength back then to protect them. Let them know you love them. Let your daughter know that you pray she won't ever be in the same situation you were in.
It's going to be emotionally hard on you, but you and your daughter msy come away with some healing. And I truly hope that you do.
Please let us know how your meeting with her goes.
Am here for you. ♥♥♥

In response to: Children not communicating

Ffm48Senior Contributor19 Sept 2016, 8:54 pm AEST

Re: Children not communicating

I'm sure you've heard it many times before and I'll say it again and again. Simply knowing someone who understands is listening helps such a lot. I guess it's I often feel what I'm feeling and saying sounds unbelievable. Realising I'm not alone makes all the difference. Thanks for listening.

In response to: Children not communicating

KurraSenior Contributor19 Sept 2016, 9:11 pm AEST

Re: Children not communicating

Sadly it's far from unbelievable @Ffm48. It happens to many parents all over the world. My daughter has chosen to cease communication with me and her father at the moment. It's been this way for 9 months. I message her every week or so saying I love her and that I'm always here for her but I'm not prepared to play her game. I do know that if she were ever in serious trouble I would be the first person she would contact.

You are being heard and you're not alone. I have a real understanding of the pain you're experiencing. Take care and keep in touch 💕🎶

In response to: Children not communicating

Ffm48Senior Contributor20 Sept 2016, 4:45 am AEST

Re: Children not communicating

You were right on every count @utopia. My daughter is projecting the blame of the dv abuse onto me and much more. Easy listening is something else. No idea whether we'll come out of this talking to each other and I'm sure she isn't finished with unburdening, but I guess its a start. I'm not exactly feeling hopeful, but then I'm not feeling hopeless either.

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