A safe place to express myself

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I had two dreams last night.

1. I was sitting at a table in a restaurant with a small group of people. I picked up a tall glass of water and drank it in one go. I held my head right back as I finished the glass. Then I placed it back on the table.

2. My dream about the arty, creative girl with fair skin and long black hair.

I was standing in some public toilets with a school friend. I was waiting near a mirror and wash basin while my friend went into one of the cubicles. An Asian girl came out of a cubicle and washed her hands and left. She didn't say anything or give me any eye contact. Then my friend came out of the cubicle and said something like "The person who left this here was Asian." I looked to where she was pointing at some Glad Wrap in the wash basin. I hadn't seen it before. Then my friend left. Then the creative, arty girl with fair skin and long black hair came out of one of the cubicles. She was dressed in a floral skirt but she looked stylish and arty. She said something rude to me. She spoke quite a lot but I can't remember what she said. Then she left. I paused for a moment then I decided to follow her. She wasn't running but she was going very fast. I had to run to keep up with her. We were in a school corridor like one of the corridors in my high school. There were people everywhere. I had to dodge past them to keep up with her. It was dark and hard to see. It seemed like night time and not day time. And it seemed more like a night club than a school. People were interested in what I was doing. They were running along beside me asking me questions. Some of them were giving me information about the girl. I was angry with the girl because of the way she spoke to me. I wanted to catch up with her and confront her. I'm not sure that I ever did. The dream got vague at this point and then it changed. I was sitting on the back seat of a car load of girls. We seemed to be friends. They were asking me what I was going to do to the dark haired girl once I caught up with her. I think they thought I was going to beat her up. But I wasn't going to beat her up. I just wanted to confront her and find out why she said those things. I told them this. And that was the end of the dream.

I feel sad, lonely, cold and miserable. I feel like I want to cry but I can't. I feel annoyed and frustrated because I can't write or express myself like I usually can. I'm sick of the cold weather. I know it's only been a few days but it's really getting to me. I feel like everything is getting me down.

My anxiety is so bad. I'm in so much pain. Something has happened to trigger me.

I can't write at the moment. I will come back.

I'm not in a good space. My anxiety and depression are very bad and I have a headache. I have anxiety and depression at the same time. Something happened to trigger me today. I thought I would be feeling better by now because it's night time but I'm not. The neighbourhood has been so noisy today. The noise has only just stopped. I'm feeling very agitated/irritable and upset. It's like I'm super sensitive to everything.

Thank God everything is quiet now.

I'm starting to feel hungry and I have to make dinner but I'm too anxious/depressed and upset. I'm not even sure how I'm feeling. I'm just not in a good space.

I made a salade niçoise even though my depression and anxiety are bad. I'm glad that I'm not sick of salade niçoise because I don't have the energy to make anything else.

I did a 30 minute meditation and I watched a video of Thich Nhat Hanh talking about how to deal with strong emotions.

https://youtu.be/dJX8WkKbPf8

https://youtu.be/kPtVGqaMJAk

I also did a 10 minute mindful breathing exercise.

https://youtu.be/xIWauKS6OIQ

The man came to do the garden and it triggered me. I washed my face with a warm face washer and put some witch hazel toner on my skin. I drank some water and made myself a cup of tea, and now I'm listening to my rain sounds video. Once he goes I will do a breathing meditation.

The rain sounds video doesn't block out the sound of the man working (whipper snipper, lawn mower) but it makes me feel calmer. Sometimes I wear ear plugs but I don't feel like wearing them today. They make my ears hot.

My body got so cold that I had to turn the heater on and put a jumper on and make myself a cup of tea. I'm in my bed now with my hot water bottle under my feet. The man has gone now. Now I have to cope with the general neighbourhood noise until night time. I'm going to do a breathing meditation and then I will listen to my audio book The Body Keeps the Score.