Struggling with a marriage i shouldnt be in

Hi @Jhett707

welcome to the SANE forums

It sounds like you are grieving your hopes for your relationship and feeling very alone right now. Although we can't physically change anything I hope that through these forums you can find connection and like minded people for mutual support.

I know you said you have thought about suicide before and i hope that if you find yourself in that frame of mind again you seek help through an immediate response service like Lifeline 13 11 14 or Mens helpline 1300 789 978 (unfortunately we cannot provide crisis support)

I saw that you had also posted in another thread which is fantastic, I hope that you feel comfortable looking around and replying to others as you want. if you have any questions please just say

I know that there are other people here who have had relationship difficulties I wonder if anyone has any advice or thoughts about your situation @Flyfisher @kristin and there are also a number of threads about managing in relationships here and looking after yourself here

If you really feel that there is no hope for genuine reconciliation and your wife is insincere and just using you for the family home .. then may be time to take action. How old are your girls?

I struggled in a miserable marriage for 16 years. The pressures mounted and blew up and one time the CAT team were called ..in the end a nurse from the CAT team said to me .. we leave those we dont like ... her phrase reverberated with me and eventualy gave me the strength to leave.

I had a strict Roman Catholic mother so divorce was not acceptable ...

I also have put 2 and 2 together and realised that my parent's relationship was not good and that it was not fair on my father. Dont underestimate your daughters. They benefit from both parents being able to live and thrive ... so they can live and thrive ... dont worry about the label ... there will be pathological aspects to a person who cheats in marriage ..

the other day I met a man on the train .. we chatted ... he had left and started a new relationship . . life was not easy .. it rarely is ... but he was much happier out .. and was re-establishing relations with his children ... there are better ways

Depression .. is often due to anger turned against the self .. maybe you are too much of a gentleman to express your anger to your wife .. and I would never advocate violence ... but find a middle path .. so that you can live your life with some truth ... dont give whole house to wife ... you worked and paid for it ... you deserve a good portion ... I met one man .. who refused to take any of the house ... but then he blamed every woman he met ...

I am female ... but I do try and understand both sides in the battle of the sexes ... I wish we didnt have to have the battle ... but it seems to be one of the facts of life. We are all of the same species .. so I try and focus on the things we have in common ... toes .. elbows ... heart ... etc etc

Take care

Apple

Hi @Jhett707,

I left my former partner after 13 years of unhappiness together and I am so glad that I did. During the last few years of our so-called 'relationship' I was suffering from major depression. I had to get treatment for the depression as a matter of urgency, so I actually stayed with my partner while I trod the long road to recovery.

My psychiatrist even told me "don't make any major life decisions while you are still depressed." I think this was good advice. Things were so much clearer to me once the depression began to lift.

@Jhett707, are you seeing a psychologist or counsellor? You need to talk things over with someone you trust and who is unbiased. It would be good if you can start to rebuild some bridges back to your own family, too. A counsellor may be able to help you with this. Start small, with a phone call or text to a family member you were once close to. They may be very happy to hear from you.

Work on the things that you can change and that you do have control over, for now.

Seek legal advice before you separate, not after. Get to know your rights.

When I left my partner, I gave up everything. Thankfully, we did not have children. I had worked hard and paid around 70% for our joint property. I never saw a cent of this, because my ex-partner's Dad was very, very clever and tied up our property in a trust associated with his family business. He was the one who had all the money and the lawyers. I could have fought him for my rights, but I chose to walk away and make a clean break. I don't regret it.

I was just glad to say goodbye to 13 years of misery and lies. Even loneliness was better than being with my ex.

Please, please seek help with your depression first, then begin to make your life decisions with the proper legal advice and the support of those you trust.

@Jhett707,

you may want to wait to the adoption of your daughter is complete before you even consider separating from your wife... to me, that sounds very sensible and strategic. It does sound like you are in control of the situation.... even though you are very unhappy right now.

It's not a great idea to put anyone else's happiness before your own... even your own children's. Of course, we all make sacrifices from time to time to make others happy, these kind of sacrifices are the type that secretly bring us joy and a sense of belonging. However, repeatedly denying your own needs to benefit someone else is not sustainable and can lead to depression! Human beings are not designed to live in misery.

I hope you can find some professional support at this time. Can you see your G.P. for a referal to an experienced psychologist?

Can you get out of the house and do some things that bring you happiness? How about taking your daughters away for a weekend of camping, or something like that? Tell your wife you need some quality father/daughter time. Maybe try not to confide any of your fears or problems in your daughters, but just spend time with them and cherish that time.

Maybe you could join a sporting club or similar to get you out of the house, meet some new contacts and friends and get a feel for being independent and confident again? I would very strongly suggest trying to meet new people and invest in new interests while you are deciding your future. Focus on all the things that you do have some control over and be assertive about your needs. I know it isn't easy.

While I was recovering from my major depressive episode, I went out and joined some groups to have people to talk to and it made me feel better. I don't think I ever mentioned my unhappiness with my then-partner to the people I met. I just got out and enjoyed their company and took note of all the potential opportunities out there. I still lived with my partner, although he completely ignored me and we had hardly any 'relationship' at all. But it was good for me to take that time to transition into a new way of living.