Religiously and spiritually traumatised. Need support.

I know all here can only give what they got. I need someone to have straight talk with me. I've told a few people and most don't seem to bat an eyelid. That's cause they don't know how it feels to be me or have gone through what I have.

This is very sensitive, traumatic, complex and very difficult for me to talk about. I need to though, I'm battling too much on my own. No one has really helped me yet and I'm waiting to start therapy. I feel so alone and I'm tired of advocating for myself and by myself. I have no strength left. I really don't.

I was subjected to religious and satanic abuse as a child. I didn't like the church or the religion nor any religious topics. As a child I had no choice but to be involved as the disgusting people called parents were part of it. There was religious abuse going on for me going on at home too. It was traumatic and very damaging and has continued on for me. Very hard to ever really recover fully from that happening. I'm still very affected by it today even though I've tried things to heal. It's not even easy. I feel that I will never fully heal. The disgusting people called parents I no longer have anything to do with and neither of them are in my life nor do I have any extended family. It's just me now.

So, I am almost 42 now. I recently ended a relationship I was in with a woman. (Same sex and yes I'm gay) Have been for a long time. She knew a little, not all of what I expressed above in this post. Enough to know that what she chose to do would have serious repercussions for me. I don't believe she truly cares that it would.

I received these text messages from her on the 26th August.

I have something to tell you

Later.

It's about the fallen angle Luc....fer

I'm sorry I held it from you

I have been fighting for my life for 100 years

And I will always be fighting against my brother Lucy

Most known as Luc...fer

He is what he is but still my brother and untill I can take him home with me I am bound here, a promise I made to God.

Im sorry

He is my younger brother I call him little Lucien

I'm sorry pls forgive me

They were four different messages.

At the time it happened, I pushed away what I was feeling or thinking. I've been trying to process this event and experience. I thought at the time that perhaps she had been affected badly by something like myself. Even though the relationship was finished, I still had a hard time letting go completely. I'm aware that I was in a highly abusive relationship, I am aware things weren't right and I never truly felt safe. It took me alot to break free. By ending the relationship it doesn't mean I was free. I was not free from the major harm and extensive damage caused. I was so very very confused, I was in a serious fog and also very tired physically and mentally. I was extremely close to taking my life. I went into suicide watch as I was not able to control my thoughts to end my life. All up I have had a friend stay with me for a month. My only friend and the truest friend I have had in a very long time. My guard is still up, even with my friend. I watch if I'm letting my guard down a bit too much because right now I can't afford to. I have to protect the very tiny bit of will I have left to live and of course I'm in a very vulnerable position.

So, yes just that experience alone plagues me every single day. It's hard not to think about. I guess I'm trying to put it into some sort of perspective for myself because in my head, heart and soul it feels like torture. I also do not believe in this mythical evil creature. That's my right and my choice. It was part of my religious abuse I went through. I don't know what to believe about it anymore. I definitely have reached the conclusion she is extremely mentally unwell. With what I do not know? I've also reached the devastating and sickening conclusion that there was a part of her that was aware of what she was saying and doing. Why she would do that to me, I have not worked out? I wish I knew so I could be helped to process it and move forward a bit more. I feel so stuck. It feels complex and I'm still trying to deal with my feelings that can be hard to access and feel for me. I strongly feel that what she did was an act of cruelty. I can't just say to myself, oh she is mentally unwell. I can't just excuse what she did like that. It's not an excuse. I also have an inkling there is much more to what she did and I don't have the full picture yet.

What I also found out is she watches that series on TV called Luc....fer. I've never watched it and don't care to watch it ever. I guess I'm correlating it with what I went through but still not able to solve this puzzle.

Maybe, I'm not ready for the full picture because this has really tormented my mind and soul so much. Yet, she still maintains to this day she is in love with me, that she loves me and she doesn't want anyone else. I'm her forever. I feel sick really.

I've changed my phone number. Delisted it. Blocked on all my forms of social media and emails. I also have video security at my home now. I still don't feel safe. I want to have like a whole new alias. I'm scared that I have not done all I can to protect myself technology wise. It's hard. After all anyone can make multiple accounts using different names and new email addresses. I just never really feel safe. I have NO communication at all with her. On one of my email addresses I have no option to block, only set up a rule to divert emails from her elsewhere. Last night, she emailed me a song. Just a song, that is it. A song by Michael Jackson - I just can't stop loving you. I know the lyrics. I don't want to ever hear that song in my life.

So, I am waiting to start therapy. Suicide therapy to be exact. I don't want to approach and church about what happened, I don't want to talk about it on a spiritual level at all either. I don't have anyone I truly feel I can turn to, feel safe, heard, have compassion understanding and kindness shown to me. It's also so crazy, that most of the time I think who would believe me anyway. Thankfully I have the texts to prove what I'm saying is true. If it had just been verbal, then yes perhaps many would doubt I'm telling the truth.

I've been trying to do some research to get some answers for me. I havn't had any success yet. I do not want to feel so tormented anymore. It's so hard to keep reminding myself too that when I think of a good moment between her and me that we had, I come back to this and other things she did and said and then I go back into confusion. It seemed those good moments were real, they were to me but I don't think they were real to her.

Some of you here may be religious. No offence intended to you, however I have strong boundaries there with that because of what I have been through in my life. I respect your choices, yet just keep the religious beliefs you have to yourself. It will harm me greatly and I need that boundary respected for me.

I hate her for what she did. As I said I think there was a part of her that was conscious of what she was doing. I'm still scared because I'm trying to hold onto my life when I really just don't want to. Living through this is just too much. I hate her. Ive lost so much because of her. I'm struggling to even see a future for me.

This might also be a difficult topic for others. I'm even losing hope now that anyone is even going to care about this. I've actually lost alot of hope. When one loses hope, I know it's pretty much the end of many things. Been there before When I cut contact with my mother, I'd reached that place of no hope left. I still don't feel hope there. That was December 2019 and I've never heard from her except last year an email saying happy birthday but that's all. I didn't care that much about it because she ruined most of my birthday's to. Other than that she doesn't get in touch with me at all.

So, yeah just losing hope and don't have any desire to try rekindle it.

Moderators, I have numbers to call if need be before you ask and offer.

Anyone that wants to suggest a hospital stay, I will just say no prior to that question. I just don't want to really be around people much with pressure to have to do anything at a certain time and to talk. Fine in my own home.

I just want to know where to look online for something that I can read that may be able to give me some clues or answers as to what the hell is wrong with this sick individual and what the hell has even happened to me a result. If you don't understand something, how are you actually meant to deal with it?

PF