Borderline Personality Disorder and 99 other Problems

Hi @Former-Member,

I'm really sorry to hear the rollarcoaster you have been on for the last few years It's a really powerful image talking about the rollarcoaster and all of the things that have been going on, and the impact it's had on your life. It sounds like it has been one thing after the other, which is a lot to carry on your shoulders- hoping we can carry it with you here on the forums

You mentioned feeling like you have no control over the thoughts, feelings and behaviours in your life, and that must be so hard. Is this something you have felt for a while, or moreso since seeking a diagnosis?

The adjustment to antidepressants sounds like it has been a challenging one. I am wondering if you have spoken with your doctor or professional about the impact this had on your life and some of the side effects you are experiencing?

If you are looking to connect with others, we have a really incredible space here in the forums called Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script where there are so many people who have been through and are going through what you have experienced too

I really feel for you @Former-Member

Getting a diagnosis is such a double edge sword. If I say so myself, especially with BPD. For me it kindof felt like 'Well, great. So I'm traumatised and act in all of these ways...And that's my fault? Like it's my personality?'

It can be a really hard thing to process. Especially when you've faced so many challenges in such a short time. Which, as much as I acknowledge your struckles, it did make me chuckle when I read your name for your thread, because it really does feel that way sometimes!

One of the. positive things that came out of a BPD diagnosis for me is that it did open me up to new avenues for support. And yes, sometimes I still do feel like I have no control over my emotions, behaviour and thoughts, just like you said, bu with the right supports I am learning to develop more control. And I don't think I would be where I am today without that really mean and stigmatising diagosis of BPD. As it opened up new doors and opportuntiies.

I get how right now though it just feels like one more thing chucked on your plate!
- periwinklepixie

Hi @Daisydreamer ,

Rollersoaster is the nicest thing l can say about my life lately......

Unless someone holds a magical wand , l cannot see the sparkly future ahead , sorry feeling sorry for myself.

Had my tele appointment with my Psychiatrist and he was surprised by my answer of how am l feeling to which l answered " Calm on the outside , but a Psychotic Cat on the inside of my mind ", to which he said " never have l heard any other paitent describe themselves that way " , .
Well l am an interesting person who isnt the norm, yeah me !!!!

I have always thought , l had no control of my emotions , but l was told its a female thing , hormones etc. Behaviours have been difficult at he best of times , and l have hurt myself alot over the years and still do today.

When l talk about med side effects l am told , l need to let them work and give them a chance, at least 3 months before changes.

Awesome , l mean who doesnt love seeing shadows come out of the walls etc.

Hello @Former-Member ,

Exactly , it's all my fault , the world, the universe, etc everything !!!!!!!

But l am told l need to want to get better and l am not making enough effort , or talk enough to the right people , being GP , Psychologist and Psychiatrist.

Apparently l am NOT allowed to play with Swords , double edged or not .. Some people can be party poopers , l say !!

No fun at all , they really dont get my sense of humour and since l self harm also to date and currently , l have been told to stay away from all things sharp. I might Kebab myself and that would be one to explain to a paramedic , hummmmm ...

I am mad , insane and crazy all mixed in one , but that makes me unique . The first 3 l have been tested and l am too highly intelligent to be any of them.

But honestly , l have a constant battle in my head all the time , she never agrees with me and hates me the most , oh yes l have an altaego also.

I can be very unstable , paranoid , mood swings for miles , short tempered alot.

But l have been told its just part of what l am suffering from.

I am my very own worst enemy.

This makes so much sense to feel this way @Former-Member

I know in a world where everyone is calling me 'crazy' and chucking labels on me I have found it very useful to think of the phrase ''I'm not insane, I've just lived through insane circumstances'' Which is not to say I'm not proud to be who I am but it helps remove the sting of the stigma.

I know you mentioned some people have said to you that you need to want to get better. And for me this used to be the hardest part. I didn't like myself at all. And didn't think I deserved much good at all. I wonder if there anything that makes you 'want to get better?'

For me, it ended up being the effect I was having on loved ones. At the start I worked on myself for them. But now I do it for me also. 🙂

Can't stop imagining your display picture as a kebab. 😛 I like your sense of humour. 🙂
- periwinklepixie

Hi, first timer here. After reading your post I thought wow, sounds just like us. BPD &99 other issues. I'm struggling to know where to begin. I am aware I have mental health issues but not entirely sure what we're categorised as I'm 41yrs and have had issues since a child. Countless traumatic events, abusive relationships, mental, physical, sexual, emotional. Have been under the influence of substances for most of our life. I have tried medication before to treat depression but have never followed through. Many appointments with professionals over the years but cannot manage to follow through. I have 2 daughters now 13 &15 and see alot of the issues now my children have. Over the years I've been labelled many a thing from ocd anxious depressed schizophrenic bipolar personality disorder you name it.hence the reason I'm not sure what we fit under. I'm not looking to be medicated just looking for a direction to understanding better so my kids don't go through a lifetime of confusion anxiety fear depression self loathing exhaustion disappointment sabotage doubt confusion etc etc etc.i just know I don't exist the way others do but don't seem to be able to convey that to somebody who could diagnose or recognise the personality traits. What is outwardly projected doesn't line up with inside. Following up is a big downfall, taking step 1 is huge, step 2 is unfathomable. I cannot watch my girls go through what I've experienced in life yet following up sends panic through me. I just don't even know anymore where to begin for me or them. I'm so terribly sorry if this doesn't fit with what you talked about I'm lost and don't know where to begin. I baffle myself, just overwhelmed. Everyday is a battle. I have no filter, brutally honest quite full on for some including my kids and without tooting my own horn I'm good for a laugh although not always at the appropriate times. Who am I? Mysterious me????again I'm so sorry. Seem worse off than when first started. Like an ant I am.

Wow .that explains me perfectly.

Unfortunately still on the merry-go-round at 57 yo. and it has totally destroyed my whole life .

Hi and welcome, @Alltoohard1 ...I'm sorry to hear that 😞

Do you have any professional support, like a counsellor, meds, psychologist or psychiatrist?

(If you want to reply, tag me by putting a @ before my name so I don't miss your reply, the forums are a big place!)