I forgot to be gentle

I was completely oblivious to be gentle on myself. I actually don't know how to be gentle with myself or to myself. I didn't realise how much pressure I felt.

I was with a narcissistic sociopath I believe. It's taken me a while to identify what I was actually dealing with. Forget about the fact that I'm 'labelling' a person. I need a label. I need a label to somewhat understand the complete insanity I went through.

The damage to me is not something I can describe. I ask myself how do I keep attracting insane people I get into relationships with. I don't think this is a valid question in this instance particularly. It wasn't my fault. I shouldn't have to take responsibility. How can I when I was with someone like this. I finally worked out why I kept being drawn back in when I knew this person was bad news.

I didn't see that everything about them was fake. I get now that everything about them was a wanna be. They will never truly amount to anything. They have elements of being able to be something but components are missing. Like they can say they are a doctor, yet the practical or study may not be there. They could have equipment for eg and know how to use but gave never done the required study and many years of university to actually be a doctor. So basically apply that to everything.

She never really did love me. I worked out that it was all self serving. I havn't got my head around the totality of it yet. I can't talk about all the events yet. My two biggest fears, that whomever I tell will not believe me and that she will continue to find ways to get to me. Part of the narcissism is needing supply. Her supply is gone. They usually come back when they are not getting their supply. Except I know now and am doing what I can do she doesn't get any access to me.

She already has had her new victim in line. I don't want to protect this victim. I won't be believed anyway. The smear campaign would have begun a while ago. I kept going back because I believed we had a chance still. It was all lies though. All to hard because I made her face herself. She pretended she wanted to but it was all lies. She processes to be so happy within herself and happy with her life. I just look at it and think to myself how easy it is to spot it now. I bought a narcissistic sociopath to their knees. They actually saw themselves and it scared them. I exposed parts of them to themselves and it was just too much.

She has an intense fear of me exposing her. What concerns me about that is how far would she go with me not to expose her. I will be to doctors, psychologists and maybe in other ways. The sociopathic part is no longer having any power or control. They are likely to act out more when they lose this. She lives in complete fear. She will portray to others and air of self confidence, a spiritual take on all of it, at times a smear campaign, at times break down like it's all too much, like it was me that completely stuffed up her life. What concerns me is how far the many unsavoury people she knows might decide to do something because of the way she spins things to different people.

There is so much more.

Anyhow I've been hard on myself. Worrying about work and getting back to it. Worrying that I'm not pulling my weight around the house. I don't want to talk to my housemate. He is a bit money orientated. I just don't want or need the pressure. I can't be bothered even telling him.

I actually just prefer to be left alone.