RosieSenior Contributor
Lockdown and Wellness
Hi all,
I thought I would post something about lockdown and being well because I am looking at old photos and realising some things. I see these old photos I took when I was very sick with schizophrenia and drinking too much. I was isolated in a farm house and living alone. The premise of all of this was because I was in denial of my illness and I wanted to drink as much as I wanted without interference from anyone. I had pushed everyone away and I was stuck in my own mind and my alcoholism. These photos are selfies and I'm sticking my rude finger up and sipping wine and smoking ciggis. In the background, the house is a pigsty, I'm wearing awful clothing and there are empty beer bottles everywhere. I am overweight and my hair is a mess.
I just cannot think of what lockdown would be like if I was still in this state.
The farmhouse was around 2011/2012. It's been a long and hard road since then, but it has definitely been worth it! I went through depression and anxiety after finally admitting I had schizophrenia, I gained more weight and lost my career. I moved back in with my parents. I kept drinking, but took medication. This (as you would know) lowers the effectivness of psychiatric medication. I kept relapsing into psychosis and went back to my profession with a lot of determination but very shaky confidence. I moved out of my parents'. It all seemed to be going well, but I kept drinking. Continued relapses into psychosis and a drink driving conviction and a subsequent loss of licence was rock bottom for me. I stopped drinking the next morning.
It didn't automatically get better though. I stopped taking medication, walked everywhere and became really unwell. I was completely psychotic. But I had stopped drinking. I went to AA. I got help. I went out of AA then back in. I went on new medication. I worked through the AA program. I took my medication and abstained from any drugs or alcohol.
I am two years sober on Wednesday.
It is not always easy and life happens. I bawled about lockdown the other day... but I rang my supports and I watched a TV show and got out of my head. I am working from home in a house that I own (with a mortgage) and I am making plans to move closer to my boyfriend.
Looking at those photos, they are shameful and shocking and remind of a time when I was really sick. But I also see them and I have compassion for myself. Living with complex mental illness is hard. It takes years to understand, accept and learn about managing it. I didn't realise how much alcohol affected it, because since I haven't been drinking I have hardly experienced any symptoms of schizophrenia (I take high doses of medication day and night). I do find a few hints of paranoia and anxiety when I am stressed, but nothing like when I was drinking.
I am very grateful to be sober and to have my mental health. Particularly in lockdown.
Rosie
