18 year old daughter - how do I help her

Hi @MumNeedsHelp

I am going to throw this out to you and you can ignore it if you want.

Does it seem like your daughter is lost and unsure of her role in society?

When you say she is bored, does it feel more like she is unable to handle conflict or maybe hiding some shame?

Do you feel she feels pressured to make decisions about the future when she might not be ready yet? (finish school, get a job, get married, have kids, buy a house etc)

I know your mum and this video is focused on dads, but I would highly recommend you watch it. This will give you valuable tips on how to communicate with your daughter to increase her curiosity.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LA8pn_UvrOg

One thing I would like to stress is don't get caught up in her issues. The last thing she will want is groundhog day where every time she sees you, she sees your concern and feels judged, so during this time where you are personally going through this stuff, show her how to be resilient by doing the things that make you happy. What do you do to show off that you are okay? Do you have music on and dance around the house doing your best dorky dance?

Make it a place she wants to be to feel safe during all these bad thoughts.

It's much easier to pull someone out of a funk than it is to push them and nothing is more powerful than a person who invites you along to the life you would like to be part of.

Hi,

I am currently going through a very difficult time with my 17 year old daughter and I feel for you. She has recently been diagnosed with BPD and has suffered since primary school with all of the symptoms. This has been a long, hard road. I can only suggest getting as much help for all concerned as possible and sooner rather than later. For me, this has meant ;

- Regular psychology appointments for all family members (there are Health Care Plans avail through GP to assist with this

- Regular appointments with a psychiatrist after initial diagnosis. This is crucial as they can best help with medication and appropriate next steps

- Finding a relevant BPD specific therapist or program

- Finding good online resources for yourself or read relevant books on BPD

Everyone has reassured me that the adolescents can dramatically improve their quality of life if they do this therapy but it needs to be specific, focused BPD therapy. I hope that you can access this somewhere.

Also, you really, really need to find some support, particularly with people that have been down similar roads. No-one can know how hellish living with a young person that behaves so erratically is unless they've been through it themselves. Sadly, I am still looking for such a group myself and am almost at the point of starting one up I'm so desperate!

The behavior of a BPD sufferer is unpredictable as you well know. I was concerned about a diagnosis and the impact of this on my daughter, but after the first shock to all of us, it has only been beneficial. We have started to implement some of the therapies suggested (and tools) and this seems to be helping a little bit already. My daughter is 17, pretty and attending a selective school because she's so bright. On the downside, she has self-harmed since she was 11 and has been horrendously unpredictable. There have been so many times that I have been afraid of her, physically and emotionally. I am a single mother who also tried to keep dad involved and close. He is also the most unhelpful person to have around as he undermines me constantly. I'm glad you have a new, supportive partner. Her sister has been very badly affected and now shows a lot of signs of trouble too. I really sympathise and often feel ashamed and guilty even though rationally, I know I have given them both the best life possible, free of abuse and full of support and reassurance. I don't feel I can talk to many people about it as I feel there is still a lot of bad stigma attached to serious mental health problems.

I hope that this helps. Virtual hug for you,

Elisabeth.

@Anastasia hello!

I'm really good at the moment, there is a calm here at present and the weather is lovely. Hope I'm not in the eye of the storm haha. Using this time to work on myself so I can be in a better headspace should a new crisis emerge.

I hope all is well in your world despite the hectic schedule. X

@AussieRecharger thank you very much for taking the time to write to me. You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. I cried when I read your message because it resonated with me so much.

Definitely shame involved and definitely feels a pressure to live up to societies expectations. I've been torn between not wanting to crush who she is but wanting her to fit in and find her place.

You are so right when you said not to get caught up in her issues. I have become all consumed by her problems and felt so frustrated at times because I can see what needs to change to make her life easier. I know that it pains her to see me sad, upset or hurt. I've forgotten how to just enjoy life. Music is our connection and what brings us together. She danced for about 8 years and I love to see her dancing around the house, it's when she looks most at peace and is at her happiest.

This is what I loved the most, when you said

"It's much easier to pull someone out of a funk than it is to push them and nothing is more powerful than a person who invites you along to the life you would like to be part of."

I'll be writing that down and focussing on doing just that.

Thank you for the link, I'll have a listen.

I appreciate everyone in the forum that has reached out and don't want to disregard or minimise any of their suggestions when I say, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you; your observations and suggestions have had a massive impact on me. 🙏x

Hello @MumNeedsHelp

That is great news. Well done for focusing on your needs during this time ✔️☕☀️

Lovely to hear from you ❣️

@MumNeedsHelp

Thank you for such a beautiful reply. You made my day.

@Elisabeth8 hello and thank you for reaching out. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I hope you have found some comfort speaking to others here, as I have.

My daughter hasn't actually been diagnosed with anything, other than anxiety, although we have been to see doctors on a few occasions. I do believe things would improve for her if she ate better, slept better and found a passion or goal to help with her self esteem and give her purpose.

I'm going to try a few things that have been suggested by others and explore some of the resources that have been mentioned.

I thank you for sharing your story, it will certainly be valuable to us if things go in that direction.

I have found it very difficult to find information for troubled people in our daughter's age range. No longer teens but not quite adults either. It's really tough.

Please feel free to message me if you need to vent, troubleshoot or need a friendly word.

Xx

Hello @MumNeedsHelp

I wrote a long response but for reasons I don't understand I can't post it. So, I'm going to keep this short.

It sounds like everything you have tried and everything you have thought of to try has been on the right track for you and your daughter. Sometimes we try everything we know, but then time takes its course, and finally our child is ready to receive support. We can't make our child accept help.

Stay loving, attentive, present, dedicated, because all of those things are so powerful and healing and important, but also make sure you nurture you, because it is so important for you and all your children that you have the energy to keep being loving and attentive. If you can, enrol the support of friends or family to help bouy you.

Maybe your daughter will be accepting of a side ways step from clinical services to career guidance? headspace have a free service for any people aged 15-25, no diagnosis needed, services delivered on phone calls or the internet (webchat/video) - sometimes these services are a 'soft entry' to seeking help because they're not about labelling or diagnosing, they're about topics that are more acceptable to young people. https://headspace.org.au/young-people/digital-work-and-study-program/

I am reminded of Leunig's 'How to get there' cartoon, try Google it. It has given me great comfort in very difficult times in my life. This time shall pass, sometimes all we can do is to keep going.

All the best

Tinker

@Tinker67 thank you! Everything you say makes great sense. Love the Leunig cartoon ❤ I will check out the headspace link, it could definitely be an option.

Thanks again, I really appreciate it. X

MumNeedsHelp, your words leapt out at me, because you were describing MY 18 year old daugher! For the past 4 years, we have been living with a very volitile, angry, beautiful girl who has reverted to substance abuse, (marijuana), self harm and unhealthy relationships. She moved out of home last year to "live" with her boyfriend. When they broke up and I had to go help her clean out her stuff, OMG! It was a tip, the way the had been living. The same applies to our daugher in that she is well liked and thought of highly with people she has worked with and for. She has lost touch with her true friends and has no self esteem, self worth and often talks of suicide and feelings of depression. I can't tell you the number of times we have had police and ambulance at our home, or the hours we have spent in ER's. I want you to know, perservere!!! For 4 years we have gone through school councillors, HeadSpace, CAHMS teams, Psychriatrists, Psychologists to just be pushed from one professional to another. After another stint at ER on Tuesday night, FINALLY someone is listening. We have a diagnosis - Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and we have referrals for help. It sounds like this might be your daughter too. PUSH the GP to get her assessed, tell your daughter to let the professionals see what you see, this was my advise to my daughter when they took her to hospital this week. This pain for your daughter is so hard, I know! It leaves you feeling weak and raw and useless. PERSERVERE! We are at the start of our recovery and treatment (hopefully!) Most importantly, tell youself everyday, you are a GREAT mum, you will do and ARE doing everything to help your daughter get through whatever she is going through and make sure you look after YOU. Be kind to yourself because you ARE a great mum or we wouldn't be reading your post. Good luck and come back to the page often, I will be looking out for you to encourage and lift you up. I stumbled onto this page tonight after speaking with the mental health unit in our area and YOU have given ME, the encouragement to PERSERVERE. Thank you MumNeedsHelp and good luck XX