Personality changes

Hi everyone. I'm new here. Hope you wouldn't mind me venting.

I'm not sure if you would call it moody, but my personality changes every now and then. I don't know if it's Dissociative Identity Disorder cos I'm very aware of all these changes but I just can't control them. A few classmates kinda joked around about how I can be very childish one day, then an elegant lady in another, then a badass girl the next, etc. I ended up naming these personalities too, just to distinguish one from another (makes me think I'm crazy).

For example (just using initials for privacy), H for the preschooler, J for the lady, Z for the badass, L for the cheerful, and B for the normal/semi-depressed one -- that's so far as I've observed for myself.

I am fully aware of the changes. Sometimes we all talk to each other (or I assume or maybe pretend that we do) when writing in my journal. The handwriting will be different. Each personality will have its own opinion. Like I'm creating a script for myself (makes me think like I'm a drama queen). And I am fully aware that I'm doing so, but I don't know why I am doing it.

It's actually quite helpful in making decisions cos it feels like we're all brainstorming -- but I know it's just me and these little conscientious voices in my head. But everyone is surely distinct. Like the way each dresses or talks. Say, I wear pigtails with preschooler H, or elegant long dresses with lady J, or khaki pants with boots for badass Z, etc.

Also, each knows their place. I don't act like preschooler H while at work (but I can either be the cheerful L, the lady J, or the normal B who is semi-depressed -- depending on my mood for that day, or who I talk to).

Everyone has their distinct personality. Badass Z is my favourite for her strong and assertive personality, and she's the smartest of the group. But she's very hot-tempered and impatient though. Lady J is the most comforting and understanding of them all, but can be very flirtatious. Cheerful L is the most optimistic of them all, but can be irritatingly hyper. Preschooler H is just an obnoxious kid, but can get quiet when she starts doodling. And normal B doesn't cause much trouble, but can be very melancholic.

I've seen psychologists/psychotherapists but I never had the chance to tell anyone about these personality changes, cos I'm scared of getting diagnosed with a psychological/personality disorder. Currently, I'm only diagnosed with depression and anxiety. But it's either cheerful L or normal B who faces the psychologists.

I worry about relationships too. I lost friends. My ex broke up with me. I feel like no one will understand me. My parents don't even understand (although they love me dearly). I feel like everything about me is just a facade. I don't know who I truly am anymore. I wear a different mask to every person I spoke with. The only good thing is I feel more adaptable to situations (but only for the short term). I think it's difficult to stay in long term relationships because of these. I stopped my therapy cos I'm scared (and I couldn't afford to pay weekly). And now I feel so low. I have no people to talk to at all. Hence, I resorted to this online forum.

Sorry for the long vent. I just feel like I wanna get these all out. Not sure if anyone can relate, but it would be nice if someone does. I just feel so alone. 😞 So I end up talking only to myself (or say, with all these personalities, lol)

Anyways, if you're still reading this, thank you for your time. 🙂